to infinity and beyond

He's back. I can't convert my thoughts into words. I don't really think much anymore. I kind of avoid feeling too. I haven't had a good cry in god knows how long. I'm so scared. I hate goodbyes. In less than 6 months i have to say goodbye to everyone. everyone. everything. my life. i'm already pushing people away. It's easier. I don't want to think right now, i'm looking for a distraction even as i write this I don't want to think. I don't want to know that I still love him and that I still hope that someday i'll se him again. That maybe he's the right one for me. That maybe he's back in my life for a reason. that maybe I just want to think he's back in my life for a reason. I'm having a really hard time connecting to aleks. PArtly because I know there's no real connection between us verbally unless there's an immediate issue. I wish i could talk to him the way i can talk to greg. I wish he made me feel like greg made me feel. I wish i knew what i felt. aside from bloated and gassy. sorry, sidenote. I'm a little tired of thinking about the past. That's mostly what greg and I do when we talk. There's an unresolved issue there that we just can't get past and I know exactly what it is. I think he made the wrong choice. I still wish he had picked me. I still wonder if later on in life he might pick me. Why else would he seek me out after so long if he didn't wonder that too. Maybe we just miss the intimacy. God we were close. I think. I don't even know anymore.

I suck at life right now. like really suck. I don't think i'm really "there" much for anything anymore. My mind is always somewhere else, distracting itself. I don't live in the present much is what i'm trying to say i guess. I don't want aleks to sleep over tonight. I'd rather talk to greg. fuck why is he back. why. he knows i still love him, i never stopped. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck make it go away. I dont want to hurt like that again. Does he have any idea how much that hurt, how long i cried, and now he's back. After i was finally ok with him being gone. fuck. the thing is, i know i should stop talking to him. it's only going to cause problems. amanda will find out again. he'll get angry at me. things will be bad. i'll pull away from aleks. i'm already pulling away from aleks...he doesnt know why. not even sure he's noticed. probably not.

why am i so interested in rushing through everything. i always want to get on to the next thing, even when i really like what's going on right now. I still want it to end and know what's going to happen next. I have to know what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of not knowing.

I have no idea what's going to happen with aleks and i when i graduate. he wants to spend the summer in latvia. I have no idea where i'll be or what i'll be doing. hopefully one of the bajillion places i've applied to will respond. regardless. we won't be together. we don't do not being together so well. not that we do being together that great either. i think. maybe i'm just asking for too much from a relationship. maybe i just don't know how to break down the walls and leave myself open to the relationship. i get upset a lot, scared, angry, anxious. I don't tell him. I don't really tell anyone. I feel like a burden.

Not with greg though. I never really felt like a burden to him. that was a great feeling.

I miss new orleans, that was a great memory.

I am 20 years old. I have no idea what's going to happen in my life and i have no clue who it will happen with. my problem is that i'm afraid i'll drive myself nuts long before i ever get to experience. or that i'll go through it and not realize until afterwards what happened because i did my usual distract myself thing.

I wish i could talk to aleks about all this. The thing is i'm more likely to talk to greg about it which just causes more problems because i know better than to open myself up to that again. I know better. I'm stronger. I should just say "hey, i think you're awesome and i love talking with you, but that's a problem. I would love to keep this relationship between us for the rest of my life, chatting with you and being your friend, but we can't. Amanda doesn't know. this is technically cheating and only a step or two away from repeating what happened last time. we can't do this again. it's not fair to her, it's not fair to aleks, and it's not fair to us. yes, i admit i still love you, and yes somedays i want to see you and imagine that you never left and seriously wonder if i'll ever be happy with any other guy because i never really had a chance to know if it would work out between us and will always wonder if it could've, but that's why we need to just cut it off now before things get worse, before i get even more attached...again." but will i say that? nope. I like that he's back. i miss him.

fuck.

why can't i love aleks that way. why can't i appreciate him as he is, here and now, an amazing guy who loves me. and i love him too. I'm just not as close to him as i was with greg and will be again if we keep talking.

Should i tell aleks?

Am i cheating on him?

does it matter?

I don't think he would even care if i told him. I could see it happening like this "so aleks, we need to talk. listen, greg's been texting me again, he checks in on me every once in a while, and it's hard because i still have feelings for him and i know that's not fair to you and i should just stop talking to him but i don't want to stop talking to him and i don't know what that means. I can talk to him and have a connection with him that i've never had with you and i know that's probably my fault because i won't let myself have that connection and i keep myself pretty guarded but i just don't really know what's going on and i'm sorry if i shouldn't have told you or if i should've told you sooner or if i'm just creating drama. it just sucks because he and i can talk long distance. you and i can't even talk face to face. and maybe that's just because i'm not dating him and it's the whole grass is greener on the other side thing. but what if it's not. what if it's that he's more right for me than you. does it matter? he's not mine. he's not free to have. It's wierd but when he and i talk, i think of it as cheating on his part but not so much on mine. why is that? because you won't care? because she shouldn't care? because part of me still thinks i'll end up with him and you're just an awesome college boyfriend to make me feel less lonesome? is there a future for us? i hate how nonchalant you can be about it all. I know i should be too. one day at a time. all that jazz, but i'm not so good at nonchalance. sorry."

nehoo, concert soon, ttyl byes

i'm so ready for a new routine...

i'm tired of eating myself into an oblivion every night and justifying it with exercise.

I think my stomach may be permanently distended from the amount of food i eat.

I'm fit and active and muscly and not fat, but god do i need a new routine.

6 days from moving in.

I'm back with my ex. I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope i don't make him regret it. I hope he doesn't make me regret it.

I have no idea how to maintain weight normally.

I'm not even twenty and head over heals into weight issues.

I wish my life didn't revolve around food.

I love how i feel when i exercise.

Going for runs at night is my favorite.

i miss my boyfriend. just his presence really. knowing someone else is there.

I'm excited for this year

i'm excited to move the hell out of bubblefuck PA

GET ME OUTA HERE

quick post before work

i'm gaining weight...it's really frustrating even tho it's not in the least bit suprising.  I eat four thousand calories a day, that's right. all in one sitting too.  it's disgusting.  it may all be healthy food (lean soy protein, fruit, whole wheat bread, yogurt, etc) but it's still calories.  The thing is, with as much as i exercise, i need the majority of that food.  But exercise is wearing me out.  Regardless tho, my real complaint this morning is...i have weighed 120 (give or take a pound or two) for a while, now i'm probably back up to 125 (give or take...).  At 5'5" that's still an ok weight.  And if i had weighed 130 before, i would be looking great at 125, but to go from 120 to 125 sucks.  People notice these things.  Once you set a precedent, it's hard to slide even a little bit.  Ugh.  Need to stop bingeing!

goodbye aleks

i miss you...i'm sorry i had to say goodbye but i knew i never would if i didnt...it's not because of you, i know i've complained endlessly about one thing or another but it never really was a you thing- it was just not an 'us' thing. I really want to talk to you now, like i always do when i can't, but i won't call you this time. Can you believe i was actually kind of hoping you would show up today anyways, that when i got back from work you would be on the front step, waiting for me. i was even considering leaving a note on the door while i was gone so you would know where to find me. but that's not you. that was greg. he would have come. he always came after me. until he didn't. and that hurt the worst. but you wouldn't have come. and even though you say you'll still be there when school starts and you want me to take you back...i think you'll realize that's not what you want. I'm hoping you realize something, i'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I know it was. It still hurts. You said you don't understand how i can still love you and miss you but want to break up. It's because even though i saw an unpleasant future for us, i see a beautiful one for you. goddamn. it needed to happen for a while. I just wasn't ready to be alone until now i guess. Or i guess there wasn't as much confusion. It's easier to say goodbye when you barely say hello anymore. You told me it was because it's easier to break someone's heart when you aren't looking them in the eye, but baby boy...i really don't think you love me the way you think you do. I think you just don't know love. But you will. Someday you'll meet her, the girl who really completes you, one you hear yourself laughing your true laugh with, the one you wake up for in the morning and can't wait to talk to. I'm not delusional about relationships. I know how amazing they start out, where everything is scary and exciting and you question every movement and every comment and get butterflies (a stage that lasted, what, a week? maybe two? for us..my fault, i know-i'm too impatient) and how all that eventually turns to taking them for granted, forgetting how they changed your life and only really notice how your life is now and taking out all the unpleasantness on them. I know i did that with you. I wanted you to be the answer. The one who could fix all my problems. And you did for a while. Well kinda. I'll never forget how you fought me that day and i'll always love you for it. I wish i could have always let you in the way i did then. I wish you would've let me in that way-just once. I will miss you aleks, but i had to say goodbye and even tho a part of me wishes i could text you and erase yesterday entirely-i know it was the right thing to do. So please forgive me. I really hope you're doing well and have a great summer and i really hope you find someone amazing who fits you. i love you and i'm sorry. goodbye aleks

All the things i wish i could say to you but am too afraid it would ruin things...

I could live without you.  I'm doing it right now.  I don't need you to be happy.  I meet new people every day, people who make me laugh and feel beautiful and enjoy life.  I can't appreciate all the things you do and i don't agree with a lot of your life philosophies and some days you drive me absolutely nuts.  I think we need this time apart, this summer i mean.  But the funny thing is...despite everything...we are pretty good together.  We're not perfect, but i wouldnt want us to be.  i like you the way you are.  We may have conflicting personalities and interests and i may need to learn how to deal with those better (ok, i definitely need to learn how to deal with those better) but it would be boring without the differences.  We may not be right for each other but we're definitely not wrong.  We may not have a future but i don't regret a single day of the past eight months with you, the good or bad ones.  And this may not work, but i love you so much for trying.  I feel like this is a break up when imeant it to be a proposal of a life together.

to do...

This summer, i would like to:

find the joy in summer again

figure out my life's manifesto

read a lot of books

stop saying "no" to social outings no matter what they are

keep up with my spanish

learn to have relationships long distance

take control over my room and my life

write something profound

build a swing/hammock WITH bug netting

connect with my grandparents again

figure out grad school plans 

draw/paint a landscape portrait

NOT end up in binge induced depression comas on a regular basis

learn something

make something (quilt maybe?)

...to be continued...

just when i think it's worth it...i realize it never will be.

Merecer

What do i deserve?  Why do i put so much into that one little word?  I don't deserve to eat if i don't go to the gym.  I don't deserve to live if i'm fat.  I don't deserve to have friends.  I hate my life.  I'm so tired.  I so depressed all the time.  The only times i ever feel happy are when i'm distracted from myself, aka when i'm at work or with someone or dealing with a bigger issue than my mind.  Hence why i need this job this summer because i'll go nuts if i'm stuck with nothing but my mind.  I hate my mind.  Which is ridiculous since my mind is me and i control it.  So i hate me?  probably.  most likely.  yes. 

I don't deserve to ask for things. I don't deserve to spend money.  I don't deserve to feel bad because i have nothing to feel bad about and i'm just a whiny fucking bitch.  I have everything i could possibly want or need.  Everything.  And here i am, alone, sobbing, depressed, not wanting to go home, too lazy to go to the gym, hormonally sweating from my last binge, waiting to see how long i can outlast the weight watchers ice cream in the freezer.  

I just avoided my grandparents at the grocery store.  I didn't return my dad's call.  I'm a depressed slob who didn't even do her hair or anything productive today.  And it's my fault.  I hate the tv.  I hate laziness.  I hate me.  I have no meaning.  My life is pointless.  I could make it so that it was meaningful, and i feel meaningful when i'm working or doing something, but otherwise....nope.  ice cream wins. 

I'm not pregnant.  After being three weeks late and going between moments of denial with underlying stress and moments of paranoia with very present stress, i finally got my period.  And i'm still stressed as hell.  I ate my weight in everything  in sight last night and today as well.  Summer is almost here.  Aleks is almost gone.  I skipped all my classes today.  And therapy.  I get fingerprinted tomorrow.  I don't want to go to the gym today.  I don't want to do anything.  

no adios...gracias por todo

Why is it that i have the most final of track records with friend?  I can never speak to joy or greg ever again.  We moved from canton and weren't supposed to talk to anyone and haven't (aside from joe).  Kari moved, annalise moved, and now aleks is probably going to transfer.  I was planning on breaking up with him anyways,at least two days ago...he's really been great trying to make amends in the last two days which makes my already weak will falter, and it really actually would be a good idea for him, it just sucks.  He deserves a new start.  someplace new where he doesn't feel ashamed about being kicked off the soccer team and all that crap, where he can actually play soccer which he loves to do.  Someplace he can make new friends, have a new start...really the best thing for him.  He has so much potential, he's so smart and talented, but he's stuck in a routine here.  He needs to get out and experience life and start new.  And transferring really would be the best thing.  But it still hurts.  I'm still sobbing my eyes out because i will miss him.  Even though i was planning on breaking up with him because i didn't want to be with someone who has no worth ethic and is as lazy as can be and kind of a prick at times, but i love him.  He has so many other amazing qualities.  And you know what, just between you and me, i think he might even get off his ass and do something with his life if he were to transfer, if given that opportunity.  So i know it's the right thing.  And i have to let him go because it's best for him, and for me, and for us.   But it hurts.  I get tired of saying goodbyes.  And next year will be the hardest of all because i'll have to say goodbye to all my boys and college and start all over again.  Even if we were to stay together, things were going to be rough regardless because of the fact that Aleks is a sophomore and i'm a junior and i would graduate a year before him and do god knows what.  So i can't help but think maybe he'll transfer somewhere that happens to correlate to where i'm going to be in a year but i know that's far fetched.  His mom is coming up today.  I know she will support him in transferfing, just as i do.  It all makes sense.  I think he would be happier.  I hope he would be happier.  I don't know whether or not he would still be in my life, but i'm just really glad for having known him.  As gay as that sounds.  It's been an interesting six months and i really do love him and even though this letting go will be different than the others i've had to do, i think it will be good.  I hope it's fair to say we've helped each other a lot this past year when we really needed someone, or at least he's really helped me in a lot of ways and i really love him, but i understand that you can't make things last longer than they're supposed to.  and this one seems to have run its course for now.  i'll never forget him.  if we still have a future together after this, with or without intermission, that's great, but if not...it's ok because i've learned so much and loved so much i can't even begin to explain.  I love him.  Let it be...

i need to figure out my life, pronto.

he asked me if i thought it would be better if we broke up over the summer last night.  He also said he'd thought about our retirement together and our kids and being married.  fuck my life.  i think we probably will break up for the summer.  it would just be easier.  i've got to learn to find myself, and he deserves to figure out what he wants.  Amanda never let greg have that.  she was too afraid to lose him if she ever let go so she clung to him and suffocated him and really just ended up pushing him away and onto other girls.  he needed to figure out what he wanted and not have an ultimatum thrown in his face (she told him that if they broke up, he would lose her forever).  i understood exactly where he was coming from with the whole cheating thing, didn't think it was right, thought he should've talked to her about it, but she was and always would be irrational about it.  she was so afraid to be alone, so afraid to lose him, he was her life, he was all she had, and she didn't trust that if she let him go and it was actually meant to be that he would come back to her.  but it ended up happening that way anyways, just with a lot more pain and deception than she anticipated.  I can see where she's coming from better now too.  I'd love to say "aleks and i will be together forever" and just have him there the rest of my life.  but i know that won't work, that's me trying to control the future and that just doesnt work out well.  so i will let him go, with a lot of angry tears and lonely nights, i will let him go.  if i am what he wants then let him choose me, if we are what is right to be then let it happen that way, and if i'm not and we aren't- then god help me to let go and love again.  fuck, but i do love him.  I have almost three months til then.  i have to try not to win him over in these three months and just let be what be.  and i really have GOT to stop thinking so much

Confessions of a forgotten valentine

So, i finally have a boyfriend for valentines day.  Funny thing is, it's no different than not having a boyfriend for valentines day.  I mean, he's amazing, truly is, sends me those texts every once in a while that "make me fall in love with him all over again" or says something incredibly unplanned and romantically brilliant that you think hallmark will be calling him for inspiration on their latest romance cards and then of course there's those times when he's cuddly and kissy and playful and hilarious and the times when he's serious and deep and perfect.  But then there's the other times, when all he wants to do is play video games or computer games.  I mean i get it, that's what he likes to do and it's not something he can get arrested for or another woman so i'm all for it but at the same time, it annoys me a bit.  not that he plays, that's cool.  Just that he plays all the time.  I know we're in different mind sets a lot of the time, me-ready to grow up too fast (like always), working weekends and nights, doing homework, exercising, choir, basically keeping really busy and trying to keep my head above water but usually drowning in a mass of tears because let's face it...i'm not stable, and as much as i like to think i'm grown up and can handle everything- i'm 19 and i can't.  and him-lazy (self proclaimed), wanting to draw out his youth as long as he can, pushing the majority of things that might cause him stress out of his mind or just not letting them bother him (unless i go crazy and don't make that an option for him), etc etc etc.  I get it, he's a sophomore in college, he's doing well academically, that's all he really needs to be doing right now.  I'm a junior, i graduate next year, life is smacking me in the face and i'm sticking my head out as far as i can so it gets a good shot.  I get tired of it all but i don't know how to deal or if i should or what or who or when or where blah blah blah.  

I'm scared of what happens this summer.  I want to be with him, but i'm starting to think that's not gonna happen.  If, and that is a huge if, he would stay here and not move back to baltimore for the summer, i really don't think it would work.  A) he probably wouldn't get a job and contribute to the rent which would drive me nuts, B) i don't think we're ready to live together for an entire summer, just the two of us, and C) yea, just no.  so, he does move back to baltimore and i cry myself silly for weeks missing him, wondering whether or not he ever thinks about me, what he's doing, who he's with, when it will all end.  Visit him a couple of times, when i don't work, live for those moments together then come back to depression and loneliness and work.  ay carumba, that doesnt sound so good either.  fuck monkeys, but breaking up won't solve any problems either.  maybe for him, but for me...i'll still miss him and wonder and cry and be alone, just even more so.  But even beyond this summer, what about after i graduate?  He still has another year in college and i have no idea what i'll be doing.  What then?  god i think too much, i shouldnt be thinking about shit like that, but how can i not when he talks about our future together?! oysh, i'm stressed, valentines day sucks, can i just disappear now?

i talk too much

My fears (rational and not so):

If I don't go to the gym today, i'll stop going all together and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If I stop in the middle of my workout i won't be able to start up again and will become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If i say what's really bothering me to the person it involves, i will lose them.

If i eat one, i'll eat all of them.  It's easier not to eat than to limit myself.

If i don't go to the gym, i'll eat and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

Everyone will leave and you will be alone so leave them first.  You're better off alone by choice than left.

Not being able to sleep.

Losing control.

Going completely crazy for good.

Being a horrible mother.

Being alone.

Not knowing what's going to happen...

The boys brought up a good point the other day...i have no one other than them.  They are my world, and not so much them anymore even...more just aleks.  I don't talk to gretch or kelly or any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year anymore or highschool or homeschooling or church or canton or girl scouts or dance or anything.  All i have is what i have now, and i'm already pushing them away because i know in a year they'll all be gone.  I'll graduate and i'll never see them again and they'll be added to that long list of goodbyes i never actually said but took to heart as a personal failure.  I suppose it's somewhat normal to not be in contact with people from the past, i mean yes some people are friends with the same people since they were in kindergarten and some people aren't, all that matters is whether or not you're good at making new friends.  I'm always afraid of being alone, i hate losing friends even tho that's all i've ever known.  But i forget, just because i don't have the same friends, doesn't mean that i am alone.  There is an endless amount of people in this world, i can meet a friend any day, every day, anywhere anytime.  It's just that every time i lose one, it gets harder to invest myself in a new one.  I become skeptical, reserved, wondering when this one will end like all the others.  Because they all do, don't they.  Every good thing must come to an end.  But if god closes a door he opens a window.  gah too many metaphors.  

Aleks has made several comments to the effect of our living together this summer or getting engaged etc.  I blow it off.  I don't know what to say.  Of course i want to live with him, of course i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he's the best thing that could happen to me and i love him so very much and i wish there was a way i could show him that that didn't involve buying him something because that just gets taxing on me and my wallet and has become more of a routine than a special act of significant meaning to him.  I just got a new job that i start this saturday and he's already saying things like "so you can buy me things." no.  no sir.  i love you, and i would give the world to you if i could but don't you know that's figurative, i don't actually have the world to give to you so don't ask? idk.  i would marry him, i think.  i don't know.  i think it would fail.  i think i would let it fail.  we're too young to even be thinking about anything beyond tomorrow.  It scares me how close we are sometimes.  Like we're peaking too early- a chronic problem i tend to have in my relationships.  which is why sometimes, as much as i would love to live with him this summer, i think it would be best if we didn't, give us space and time to decide if this is really what we want.  I'll be a senior next year and then i'll graduate but he still has another year.  It's not fair to him to make him spend his senior year bound to a relationship we may or may not be able to maintain depending on what i do with my life.  And it wouldn't be fair to me to stick around and put my life on hold just because i graduated a year early.  Yes, i want to spend my life with him, but i would rather always have him as a friend then push for something more just because society tells us we should get married.  I'm not even sure i think monogamy is possible.  I'm not sure i believe that marriage is a good idea, at least not in the way it is presented.  I think, if i ever did get married, i would ask to write my own vows because it's the only way i'd really contemplate what the marriage means to me.  I mean, what is a marriage?  Why do rings and saying "i do" all of a sudden mean 'you're off the market.'  Nothing is stopping you from engaging in a relationship with someone else beyond your word and everyone breaks their word, it's human nature to lie.  

My legs are tired, i'm going to have to fight myself to go to the gym today.

I just want to nap.

I have all day tomorrow to go to the gym.

Will i drive myself crazy if i don't go tonight?

I went to a counselor yesterday.  Once he actually understands what i'm trying to tell him i think he might be able to help, but regardless of whether or not he will be successful, i think it will be good to have me time that i can just vent at a neutral third party and not feel guilty.

What would my wedding vow say?

I never believed in marriage, i always questioned whether it was possible or rational to ask any two people to give up their rights to intimacy, physical and emotional, with the rest of the world before they had a chance to discover it.  I wondered whether it was selfish, whether it was just the 'thing to do'.  Economics and alliance fueled the marriages of centuries past.  Societal expectations enforced those of decades past.  The increasing possibility of an easy out, aka divorce, and ignorance of what marriage actually entails and keeping with tradition is the only thing keeping the institution alive these days.  I don't want that.  It's a cute sentiment to marry your best friend but unless you're one of the lucky few, i'm sure your best friend has changed throughout the years so how can you expect it to all of a sudden stick after a ceremony with a white dress and priest?  All i can promise you is that i love you, that i will give you my life openly and willingly for as long as you'll have me and i will never have what i have with you with anyone else.  I'm not saying i can promise that i'll never think about straying and i can't promise you that things between us won't change, but i will always come back to you and i will always appreciate what we once had and what we will always have - a past full of memories, a present of the comfort of knowing someone is there and that someone is you, and a future of uncertainty to face with that knowledge and those memories to make it all worthwhile.  I love you, i choose you, you know me inside and out and you haven't run away screaming, that means more to me than any "i do" ever could.  So, I, (name) take you (name) from this day forward to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.

gah...

Luchar

I'm realizing that my extremism will always get me into trouble.  I'm beginning my final quest to get rid of that which plagues me once and for all, fighting it with the aid of a new counselor and an amazing boyfriend and an attitude of readiness- if that makes sense.  But now i find myself tackling not only my own mind but trying to fight that of others.  I've been addicted to looking at other people's blogs about diet and weight loss since i first got my account, but it wasnt until a couple of days ago that i found the pro-ana sites.  uhoh.  Bad plan.  Nothing good can come from that.  I found myself pitying those girls.  I can see the crazy in them that i overlook in myself or rather categorize differently.  They refer to her as Ana as well.  Sometimes i swear she really is a demon, just like there's michael the angel there's Ana the demon and she preys on any and all who are weak enough to be initially susceptible to her.  anyhoo, so yea, i was reading one post that i related to quite well and got a bit angry at someone's "supportive" comment aka another ana victim endorsing the insanity.  Ana feeds off other anas.  I hate being around other anorexics or ex anorexics or anyone who has ever known ana, it drives me insane...we are immediately in competition with each other without even uttering a word, and we hate each other and love each other and want to manipulate the other all at the same time.  It's insanity.  It's kind of like misery loves company except it's more of a psychoticness slippery slope thing.  but yea, i commented on her note, all the while thinking: o shit chelle, if she writes back you're screwed, it'll drive you nuts, you can't save the world from ana, you haven't even gotten rid of her yourself yet.  sooo today i went back and deleted the comment, hopefully all will go unnoticed and i'll never hear from them, but i liked what i wrote, because it was almost  like i was writing it to myself so i copied it before i deleted it and here it is, just a reminder to myself:

"you people are insane.  don't you get it. Ana is not your friend, she never was, she never will be, she will never be satisfied by anything you do, ever.  you think you are nothing without her when really, she's nothing without you, she's just a master manipulator.  you are not strong.  you are weak.  only when you see that she will kill you and you stop fighting people who really love you and stop fighting yourself for accepting you as you are- then you are strong.  ten day fast? yes you can do it.  and congratulations when/if you do.  but did it make it all better? do you feel better now? is the world a better place for not having eaten in ten days? are you a better person? no, you are exhausted, and hungry, and stressed, and i'll bet a little bit psychotic from the mix.  i've been there. done it. good luck hating yourself for the rest of your life, thinking about nothing but food and calories and exercise and how you aren't worth anything unless you are thin.  sounds exciting doesn't it.  i can't believe you have a support group for this. and all it's all just Ana. just measly, pathetic, parasitic ana."

I've been to the gym twice since i swore it off- so much for giving it up huh? (for the record, i just said that to make myself feel better or at least feel like people won't think i'm lazy...)

I've had a million anxiety attacks since then and one major psychosis moment

I'm trying to figure out why

and when

and make them stop

or something

Things i fear/things that throw me into an anxiety attack:

-not being able to sleep (aka restlessness/insomnia/etc)-happens more often when i sleep with him (can't sleep with someone when i'm anxious- makes me really angry)

-someone catches me in the middle of a binge (embarrassing)

-someone makes a comment about going to the gym (competitive)

-someone makes a comparison between my gym/eating habits and an overweight person (if i do what they do and they're fat than i'll be fat)

-being fat/having no friends

-someone touches me when i feel fat 

...fat, food, perfection...it rules my life

reality check::

-i love my boyfriend, i can sleep just as well with him as alone some nights-what's the difference? (caffeine? gym? food? hypo/erglycemia?)

-i probably should be caught in the middle of binges just to remind me what i'm doing and not let me eat mindlessly because i'll just hate myself for it later

-Going to the gym should be me time, my body will tell me how long to go and when enough is enough, i don't have to go longer than everyone else there

-just because i have one habit in common with a larger person does not mean that i will become like them (or maybe that particular habit is not a good one to have, in that case-change it)

-i have not been fat in years, i am surrounded by friends

-i am my own worst enemy

sidenote:period is a week late...hoping my calculation is off? negative pregnancy tests.  stress? hope it's not amenorrhea again :-/

yaknapatawpha

I'm not having as hard a time with this not going to the gym, attack on my OCD insanity/ new outlook on life thing as i thought i was going to and it's scaring me.  No anxiety attacks, no major pangs of guilt, not even a slight longing for the elliptical.  Granted it's only been a couple of hours since i made the decision BUT i thought it would've hit me by now.  Maybe later tonight?  Maybe it won't hit me at all.  Maybe this is simply just what i need to do.  Redefine myself and my life and DEFINITELY my priorities.  For the record, i'm not cutting myself off from the gym entirely.  It's not like i'm  forbidding myself from entering the doors or anything drastic.  Just no more OCD.  No more "I have to go an hour or else i'm worthless."  No more addiction.  I might go running tomorrow, maybe a mile or two, if my ankle is ok with it.  And i'll probably lift weights more often just to keep some muscle.  But i need to stop the endless, full blowout calorie burning binge inducing hungryness etc I need to figure out how to balance hunger and food and normal daily activity sans excessive exertion that i wont be able to keep up for the rest of my life.  

My brother just called me.  Just to talk.  I don't know what to say about that.  It's nice that we're friends now.  It's cute that he comes to me for advice about girls.  I feel like we're grownups now.  Nehoo i should go.  byes

tired

I'm giving up the gym.  Which i know sounds completely horrible and lazy and i hate myself for it for those reasons exactly but i need to.  I'm so tired.  I am nineteen years old and exhausted.  I feel like i'm in my mid forties most of the time, just waiting until i run out of time, wondering how long i can keep this up.  Essentially, for the past 5 months i have gone at least an hour on the elliptical every day, usually more than an hour.  Every day, or almost anyways, no gym is open on christmas and i've been sick/just didn't go some days, but for the most part...every day, 150 days, 150 hours, god knows how many miles, and i am tired.  I love the feeling after i get done at the gym, the one where i feel invincible and tough and skinny and enviable.  I'd kill to have that feeling.  No really, i do kill to have that feeling, i kill myself.  My leg muscles are hard as a rock but my knees and ankles creak and hurt.  My stomach is firm and my arms are toned but my mind is in chaos all the time.  i eat almost 4000 calories a day and for my anorexic mind- that is inexcusable.  Even if i should burn 5000 a day, i should only eat 2000.  No matter how much i exercise, there is no excuse for eating over 3000 calories.  It's exhausting trying to be perfect all the time.  To never talk too much, feel too much, show too much, to have a body that i can compare with all those i see around me and not want to throw myself out of the window because i can't measure up, or at least know i'm a good week of exercise and fasting away from achieving.  i weigh 119 pounds.  i will always want to weigh 95 again.  not because of how i looked, i still thought i was fat back then.  and not because of how i felt- i wanted to kill myself on a daily basis.  but because of the achievement.  Everyone wants to lose weight right?  Everyone compliments you when you lose weight, when you're losing weight, etc.  People might make fun of you for not eating or exercising too much, but really- they're jealous.  Right?  I once weighed 95 pounds.  I once saw 95 on the scales and i am proud of that.  I starved myself out of 35 pounds of healthiness to get to that weight so i better damn well be proud. I went completely insane, tore my family apart, lost my mind, and have never really recovered and i am proud?.  I once weighed 150 pounds too.  Right after weighing 95.  That's right, i put on 55 pounds in less than a year, a lot less than a year if i remember right which god knows if i do because all those horrible days just run together in my mind anymore marked by that one day when they switched over from starving myself to the point of insanity to eating myself into an oblivion day in and day out- all the while just wanting to die.  I am not proud of gaining 55 pounds.  I hate how i looked.  I don't remember how i felt exactly, but you know what's funny.  I can remember time after time of being on the brink of complete insanity like certifiable, almost kicking out car windows to avoid hospitalization, huddled in a corner behind a chair, rocking back and forth sobbing, contemplating drinking cleaning solution just so it would end insanity when i was 95 pounds.  And that continued throughout the gaining process, but i dont remember being that crazy when i was fat.  Granted, that could be because i was on depression meds and actually had a social life (i gave up my isolating homeschooling ways for private school for my sophomore and junior years in highschool).  I dont think i felt much of anything.  So i went off them.  Cold turkey.  Bad idea.  Lost a lot of weight, new life in college, but i was really depressed.  Or moody or bi-polar or whatever the hell my type of crazy actually is.  Then freshman year ended.  Summer sucked.  Alone, all the time.  Nothing but food and a houseful of memories.  No friends.  Some work (my only saving grace) but mostly- nothing.  Then sophomore year.  Bad year.  Broken foot.  Triple with two of my best friends (neither of which i really talk to anymore).  Broken heart (i was the dreaded other woman). Almost lost everything.  Summer- spain.  Better, but not right.  Free.  Learned a lot.  Homesick.  Really really homesick.  Went home.  homesick- different kind.  hate home.  school.  Junior year.  New roomate.  The boys.  Boyfriend.  Thus far- the only drawback to this year has been me.  My mind.  My insanity.  My food and exercise and perfection addiction.  And i'm tired.  I am so goddamn tired.  I can't fight anymore.  Everyday, i fight my mind in a constant battle of what i should or shouldn't do, should i eat this, if i eat this will it throw me into a panic attack, if i don't will i have a panic attack, do i want this, can i fit the gym in, when can i fit the gym in, i don't want to go today, i have to go today, i hate myself.  I hate myself for loving myself.  I spend a good couple of hours a day looking at myself in the mirror.  I have to be perfect.  No flab anywhere.  I have to look like jennifer aniston.  How does she look like jennifer anniston.  fuck, how does jennifer aniston look like jennifer aniston.  fucky my life.  no one would be friends with you if you weren't perfect michelle.  you're not allowed to be cranky or whiny or fat.  you have to earn their friendship.  you have to earn it.  I am goddamn tired of earning it.  What's wrong with just me?  What would i be without the gym and without the perfect body and what would they do if i was crying and crazy and me?  Am i worth anything?  Could anyone love me?  Could i love me?  I've been running this same routine all my life err at least the last 9 years of it and i'm tired.  I feel like if i had a short term goal i could stay sane.  Like movie stars, how they get in shape for an upcoming movie or the oscars but then they back down on the hardcore workouts.  Or athletes that train in season but then take the time inbetween seasons off to recoop.  I don't recoop.  There is no end in sight.  This is my life.  I'm not training for anything, i just do.  I don't want to wear myself out before i'm 20 but after spending last weekend completely off the deep end, psychologically comatose in my shower for two hours, my boyfriend fighting my crazies, my parents and my boyfriend having an intervention for me.  I'm done.  counseling on tuesday.  but when did i ever listen to counselors?  I'll give him a chance.  But i have to do something for myself, and while i hate that i'm choosing the most lazy thing of all...i have to give up the gym.  No more hour every day.  I'm too tired.  I need to figure out who i am without the gym, without HAVING to go the gym every day, without the perfect body.  Am i anything?  Will my life still go on?  Can i forgive myself for eating even if i don't exercise?  I measure my days (eating wise) by when i exercise.  Any food i have after i exercise counts for the next day.  it doesnt matter when i go to bed or when iw ake up.  That' just how it works.  Fuck me.  I'm tired.  And this will drive me crazy but maybe it will be one of those crazies that get better after a couple of weeks (omigod, no gym for a couple of weeks???? i'll lost all my muscle! i'll be a fat blob! you lazy cunt!) i hate ana (my nickname for the voice in my head that goes along with anorexia).  This is how i will fight her.  This is how i will kill her.  this is how i will find me.  I need to make peace with food.  I need to stop looking at it as anything that what it is- nourishment.  It is not a happy pill, it is not my worst enemy.  I need to stop restricting myself so much (i havent had a "normal" meal in god knows how long.  I only allow myself diet meals, wheat bread, fruit, yogurt, starbucks frappuccino LIGHTS, protein bars,and massive amounts of gum, gatorade, and diet soda).  I need to be able to eat a freakin chicken sandwhich without freaking out.  Ok, maybe i need to stop focusing on what i think i NEED so much and just chill, let it happen, not be so desperate.  Life isn't supposed to be so stressful, at least not about the minute things like a slice of pizza.  Ugh, this is going to be interesting. I'm definitely gonna need help on this one.  I hope my boyfriend will still be there to help me through this no matter how crazy i get in the midst of it. God i love him.

taking it easy on myself

 i'm tired of blaming myself for every feeling, every failure, every single little tiny even slight chance of an imperfection.  yes i was extremely mad in the post that i wrote an hour ago.  yes, it was irrational and overly bitchy.  but i'm not a horrible person for it.  I'm not going to hell because i thought those things about my boyfriend who i actually love a great deal.  and yes i just pretty much cleaned out my closet in a ridiculous binge that haunts my mind and cramps my stomach BUTTTT i know why now and i feel normal.  PMSing.  normal.  i. am. normal.  women get cranky, women binge, women get irrational and emotional.  especially the week before their period aka NOW for me, aka WHY i have nasty ass skin these last couple of days.  aka...i'm not a mental case.  i'm just a woman.  omigod, i'm crying right now.  holy hell hormones suck ass.  BUT i am woman...poor aleks.

he's driving me nuts today.  no i'm not going to buy you anything you lazy piece of shit, that's it you are officially cut off.  i hope you know that someday, when i ask you to do something for me, you're going to do it.  you owe me asshole.  fuckin jerk.  stop playing with my fat, it bugs me, i'm not normal and you know it so STOP you asshole, you drive me up a wall i want to kill you right now, don't scare me, it's a bad day.  tomorrow you go to court, and my dad will take care of you.  don't take it for granted.  stop being a lazy fuck and do something with your life.  get a job.  pay for your own goddamn food. go to the cafe and actually GET your own goddamn food.  i hated it when you smoked pot and i will be upset if you ever start again. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you annoy me sometimes

o happy day

things i'm excited about:

possible job at le jeune chef 

possible RA position

habitat trip

Aleks (summer, now, forever, whatever)

running 5 miles yesterday

figuring out my life (hypoglycemia, fake sugars, etc)

good semester thus far-trying not to charlie brown it

getting along really well w/parents

life!

gaydom

I wanted to write another post tonight, i had planned on it anyways but i should've known better then to plan lol.  Nothing ever happens when i plan it.  I wanted to write and think about "us" (no not me and my crazy mind that i sometimes like to separate from myself as another person entirely aka Ana, aka the crazy one, aka she who eats my soul), but the him and me.  Trouble is, he's sitting catty-cornered from me and thus, tis awkward to write about him when he's well right there.  Bottom line, so i don't forget about what i wanted to write about is that I'm scared yes, relationships are scary, i'm afraid he'll leave, i'm afraid he'll find someone better suited for him than me, i'm afraid he'll get tired of me, i'm afraid we'll break up because it's just not fun anymore, and i know i'll be devestated.  But that's life right?  Things change, people change, some people are there for all the phases in your life (or at least the majority) and others are just passing through.  He's perfect for me ya kno.  He is.  He's calm, loving, cuddly, imaginative, adventurous, musical, doesn't take my crap (one of the best parts about him actually, he knows about my eating shit and instead of letting me wallow about it or feel bad about myself he wants to kick my ass with it, which is kind of exactly what i need though i would never admit that to him or anyone.  Like last night, he made me sing for him for his little song project he's working on.  I hate to sing in front of people.  I'm incredibly self conscious.  I think i can sing well enough sometimes and get all cocky about it just to find out i was flat the whole time or something and get completely crushed-extremist, remember.  I like to blame my self consciousness on my father telling me i was flat and embarrassing me, and i like to wallow in my self consciousness, making a fuss about it.  He doesn't allow it.  "Sing." he'd say. "I'm going flat, ugggh i hate you, i hate singing in front of people!!!"  "If your flat, fix it, tune it up."  "Uggggh!!"  aka he's that kick in the patootie that i need with the soft edge of love behind it.  Dagnabbit, sometimes i catch myself thinking about a potential future with him, you know the whole "i do," house and home, joint incomes, baby in a baby carriage, suburbia wedded life.  Then i run away, metaphorically.  Marriage, gah. Commitment.  Woah, nooo sir.  More chance of being left when you're committed, more to leave.  Hurts worse too.  No sir, don't want to think about it, don't want to jinx it, stop thinking so much.  Bottom line:  Whatever happens between he and i, whether we stay together or break up and go our separate ways, i hope that 10 years from now i can call him up to go on a crazy adventure of skiing in the alps or something ridiculous.  I guess i just don't want to lose him permanently, ever.  I can handle a break up, even a messy one, if we can still be friends after time has passed.  If he's happier with joanna, if Cassandra understands him better than i ever could, if some mystery girl just sparks his heart like i never could.  Ok, it'll hurt, but if it's what's best for him, then ok.  I just hope we can be friends.  I hope.  Because i need him to keep kicking my ass but i guess at that point it doesnt really matter what i need anymore which is why break ups suck so bad.  Gah, why am i thinking about this.  He's sitting right there.  Things are good.  You seriously need to learn to shut up chelle.  Seriously. 

Today is a good day.  

stop thinking

I need a reality check, pronto.  I'm going a little nuts and i'm grumpy and i need to chill.  I didn't go to the gym yesterday.  Why.  Because my legs hurt and because i was tired and just plain ol' didn't want to.  I didn't go to the gym this morning before work because. why.  it was cold and i was sleeping and i worked all day.  you ate 6 rolls.  why.  because i didnt eat anything before i went to work because i ate an extra 1000 calories last night in powerbars and a healthy choice pasta meal at like 11 pm.  Therefore i had to make up for it today.  But it was freezing.  -10 degrees.  I was freezing.  I was hungry.  I wanted to eat.  by 3 pm, freezing, and having had nothing to eat, i was lethargic.  I wouldnt let myself eat the other foods.  too much fat.  mitra make comment about how many rolls i ate.  bugged me.  i should be fat.  came back and ate a powerbar, yogurt, and drank a tea.  feeling lazy.  feeling worthless.  feeling like a fat slob.  tired.  ski tomorrow.  can't do usual ocd routine tomorrow either.  shit.  need my usual. need routine.  need security.  wake up, gym, class or class, gym, or class class class gym.  wheat bread, two slices of turkey (rip off questionably fatty looking parts), lettuce, apple, maybe banana, powerbar.  hour on elliptical, run.  today-nothing.  tomorrow, ski all day.  come back at five. gym will be open.  won't want to go because i'll be tired from skiing.  will feel lazy for not going. nothing counts as exercise except the gym.  normal normal normal, fuck.  not normal.  no normal.  never normal.  fuck. want to cry.  should tell him?  no.  yes.  why.  no point.  you're just being crazy.  there's nothing he can do.  stop being a burden. cry like a baby, yea that's right.  go ahead and cry.  you have a job, you're in school, you ahve amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend who you actually thought of spending the rest of your life with today even though you're not sure that's possible or are too afraid to consider that it might be possible because it's easier to accept failure when you predict it.  yea go ahead and cry. i hate you.

buttmonger

Why is it i always want to run from the exact thing that i've been wanting/ok not really want but know i need when it is presented to me? I know i need help. I know i'm trying to make myself go crazy. I know i could do it on my own but i also know i won't because what's the point? I weigh 118 pounds, the exact weight i was before everything went kerfleuwy in my eating world. That was 9 years ago. I'm not much better off today then i was then. I still go crazy sometimes and want to curl up in corners and pull my hair out. I'm still on the ever present quest for the perfect body because it gives me the attention that i crave. And i still write everything i think, except now it's online instead of in journals. I have grown up a bit and i do feel like i've learned a lot. Maybe too much, or at least i feel entitled to claim that i've learned a lot when really i haven't even begun to grasp half of what i claim to know. Does that make sense? Does anything i ever say make sense? Am i just lying to myself about everything including who i am? Am i ever genuine other than when i cry? Can i deal with the fact that i'm alive a part of this world and have absolutely no control over what will happen to me or anyone i know? o god, that's scary. no control. i hate that. I have to know, i have to be prepared, i just have to. no. LET IT GO chelle, let it go. i know you feel like crying right now, and you're wondering who notices because you're in a public computer lab with popular kids and you want them to think you're cool. why. why do you give a crap what anyone thinks. of course you should care what your friends think of you but that's because they're your friends, You, YOUR friends, aka they know you and accept you and what they think of you coincides (or at least SHOULD coincide) with what you think of yourself so you caring what they think is really just them keeping you true to yourself. maybe. maybe you shouldn't care what anyone thinks, even yourself. especially ana. never care what she thinks, ever, she will keep you in a size 6 jean and she may make you popular but she'll never be you and she'll never give a shit about what you want or who you are, she only cares about what you are. fuck you ana. I'm tired of you. I don't want to hear your annoying contradictory voice every time i try to make a healthy or damn, even unhealthy decision. I weigh 118. I can see most of my bones when i wake up in the morning before i begin eating for the day. I liked myself in the mirror at 125. I was happier at 135. i want to be 115. i need to stop...

ma nom a nah

I could sleep with him last night.  That was exciting.  It was the first time i have been able to sleep sans anxiety or discomfort or the urge to just leave in a while.  Granted i took four over the counter sleeping pills and was dead ass tired this morning BUT it doesn't matter.  I could sleep, and even when i woke up from either his or my own scrooching I could fall back asleep.  Thank god.  Now how to do it without the pills, hrmm...

I've realized all i ever write is depressing crappola on here and for that i'm sorry.  I guess i expend all my happy energy when i'm with friends and have no real vent for my depressed unhappy moments that they all just kind of splurge out here.  Plus i just think too much.  That's my ultimate cryptonite...thinking.  I can never just eat something, i have to think about what i want to eat, if it's really what i want to eat or if it's just there, if i will hate myself after i eat it, if it has too many calories, if it will give me gas, if people will judge me for eating it, etc etc etc  

...half a hour later...

we're friends now, he and i.  I don't know when that happened or what the switchover was but we're friends.  We can hang out and it's not awkward.  it's day three of the semester and things are looking positive.  here's to hoping i dont charlie brown myself into making it miserable.

rawr

I'm going crazy.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I don't know how to be, i don't know where to run, i'm out, i'm through, i'm done.  Nothing comforts me anymore, not the gym, not him, not people, i can't even fight off my own mind.  i just want it to be over, please god i'm so tired. i can't put on this act anymore.  I can't fight myself for the rest of my life.  How are they happy? i don't understand.  I don't think i've known happy, truly happy, contentedness for the majority of my life and i don't remember sanity at all.  i hate my mind.

i wish i could fix him.  i wish i could help him.  i wish i knew what to say to him.  i wish i could be myself with him like i am with the others but i'm so scared to lose him i hold back.  he couldn't possibly love me.  or even if he did, it would be only be for a little while, and that might be worse because i really can't take being left again.  anymore.  ever.  fuck.  

everytime someone walks by the door i can stop myself from crying and get ready to put on the face that says "i'm fine, i just took a shower/went to the gym, that's why my face looks red and blotchy-i couldn't possibly be crying, i'm michelle, i'm crazy but the good kind."  yes, i'm crying, i always cry because i'm michelle, and i'm crazy-not the good kind. uggh fuck my life, i keep hoping for some terminal illness, that maybe then the knowledge of my impending death would give reason to my insanity and take away the stress of "god, i have to keep this up for how long??" and finally free me.  maybe the fact that i routinely shit blood means i have cancer or maybe because my heart (physical) hurts more often now is a sign of serious heart trouble , or maybe the migraines are side effects of a brain tumor- i'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of any of these, really honestly, i know how horrible they are and i know i would feel differently if i actually had them and knew i was going to die but right now they sound like a relief, like maybe i could finally blame everything on it, my insanity, my emotions, reasons for actually getting the hell out of here (my mind) and living, it could validate me.  validation, ugh-something i'll never have. fuuuuccckkkkkk mmyyyy liiiiiffffeeeeeee, i'm such a whiny prissy bitch, will someone just teach me a lesson already cuz i'm certainly sucking at it!

Diary of the undiagnosed

Almost 16 hour fast from yesterday's binge, talk myself into going to the gym, get gym stuff together, drive to the gym hour and a half on the elliptical, half an hour treadmill, 15 minute bike (plus 2 of course because what if the timer is off and the machine is cheating me out of my full workout so i have to go at least 2 minutes over EVERY time separation to make up for it), fight with myself about going longer, don't because my knees are beginning to make that crunching noise and i can feel the blisters on my feet forming, swim, shower, weigh in: 123 (shit, need to lose 3 pounds), won't eat, don't eat, hungry, drive, grocery store stop on the way home, three thousand plus calorie binge in an hour on yogurt, lean cuisine pizzas, protein bars (that i habitually steal, because one day i decided they were too expensive and thought since the store was charging so much i would even things out with a five finger discount and found it exciting and a hell of a lot better than paying-yea, i know i'm gonna get caught: i kinda hope i can either kick this new little addiction before i do or have someone kick it out of me because i really don't like that i can no longer hide behind the "i'm a good person" defense of not lying, stealing, or cheating- because instead of just the two, i now do all three.  shit.) bulging stomach, boring life, think too much, stop thinking, plan tomorrow (it will be different, i'll exercise it all off and then just have a protein bar that i BUY and a pizza for dinner and maybe an apple), feel lonely, go crazy, get angry, hate life, hate self for making my life one to hate, vow to do something, find something, anything to get away from the life cycle that's killing me inside out, wait for the day to end, try to sleep, sleep, wake up, repeat.  THAT is my life when i am at home folks.  It is completely my fault that it's that way and I could easily change it.  Ok, not easily.  It would take a hell of a lot of willpower to break an 8 year habit and a willpower i don't have on my own.  My solutions always revolve around running away (this summer i'll go to costa rica, i'll get a job, i'll find an apartment, i'll roadtrip) and my reasonings for the insanity, though convincing and a bit manipulative, are never really reasons at all (i hate this house, this house hates me, too many bad memories, there's something wrong with me).  There is something wrong with me, and the thing that is wrong with me is, well, me.  I am what's wrong and I am what prevents what's right.  I could fight it.  I could figure shit out.  I could go to counseling.  I could stop blaming. I could face my fears. I could accept that all of my problems, yes all of them, are because of me.  Because i don't want to deal with them, because it's easier to take out all my anger about being left and losing friends and getting hurt and life and people in general on myself then to try to work shit out.  Why fight with my boyfriend about how we never talk or his issues or how much i miss him and end up crying at nights alone because i'm crazy and need him and he should just know that and text me but of course he doesn't know that because i would never tell him because that's weakness and i can't let him know i'm not the perfect girlfriend because he'll leave but why do i care if he leaves because i already know it's not going to work, that we'll break up in a year or this summer or next week or he'll cheat on me or i'll get fat and he'll hate me and i'll hate me and i'll run away and i can add it to my list of reasons why i should hate life so i have a reason behind why i'm not happy, why talk to him about any of that when i can just as easily and less risk-il-ier have ranting monologues to myself on an internet blog and eat and exercise myself into a state of insanity in which i want to either just die or break something or curl up in a ball and just cry (which is usually how my insanity cycle ends, by a rush of tears).  Why don't i just yell at my dad or at coop or kel or greg or joy or jenny or even fucking god.  Because i'm too tired to figure out if i should be angry at them, because i dont want to feel guilty for being angry at them, because i'm afraid they'll die with me being angry at them.  What if the last thing i ever said to my father was "i hate you for taking my best friend away from me, i hate you for hurting my mother and making me grow up so fast, i hate you for making me leave canton, and i hate that you still don't see it and that i can't tell you because you turn into a dobby-like martyr beating yourself up before i can even get a punch in."  What if i told my mother " i hate you for homeschooling me, i hate that you isolated me from everyone just because being a pastor's wife made you isolated and you have no friends, i hate that you have no friends, i hate that you never stop working, i hate that there is absolutely nothing to hate about you because you're perfect and i love you so much it hurts."  What if i yelled at jenny "you fuckin bitch, i hate you, i trusted you, you were like a mentor to me, you manipulative whore" or to greg "you bastard, you told me you loved me, you told me you loved me more than her, you broke my heart" or to coop "way to be a friend coop, excellent job, fantastic, thank you for supporting me, thanks for being a self absorbed slut, hope you enjoy your life in hypocrite-ville, fuck you, don't try to be friendly with me-we aren't friends."  It's so much easier to yell at yourself, especially when you can pick out things that aren't really a problem but you could be blamed for so then you can punish yourself but not really deal with anything.  Great job.  You're on the road to success.  Good luck ever getting anything right you fuckin screw up.  I have daily guilt trips that fuel my malfunction and when i realize that i'm not having one, i throw myself into one because it can't be right that things are ok, i'm missing something, i can't be happy, happy is pride, and pride is bad, nobody likes someone who is prideful and nobody likes a complainer. Yea well no one likes a fake either, no one likes a shallow "let's pretend it's all hunky dory while i sit in the dark talking to myself and wishing for a death" maniac.  no one likes me.