If I don't go to the gym today, i'll stop going all together and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.
If I stop in the middle of my workout i won't be able to start up again and will become a fat disgusting lazy slob.
If i say what's really bothering me to the person it involves, i will lose them.
If i eat one, i'll eat all of them. It's easier not to eat than to limit myself.
If i don't go to the gym, i'll eat and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.
Everyone will leave and you will be alone so leave them first. You're better off alone by choice than left.
Not being able to sleep.
Losing control.
Going completely crazy for good.
Being a horrible mother.
Being alone.
Not knowing what's going to happen...
The boys brought up a good point the other day...i have no one other than them. They are my world, and not so much them anymore even...more just aleks. I don't talk to gretch or kelly or any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year anymore or highschool or homeschooling or church or canton or girl scouts or dance or anything. All i have is what i have now, and i'm already pushing them away because i know in a year they'll all be gone. I'll graduate and i'll never see them again and they'll be added to that long list of goodbyes i never actually said but took to heart as a personal failure. I suppose it's somewhat normal to not be in contact with people from the past, i mean yes some people are friends with the same people since they were in kindergarten and some people aren't, all that matters is whether or not you're good at making new friends. I'm always afraid of being alone, i hate losing friends even tho that's all i've ever known. But i forget, just because i don't have the same friends, doesn't mean that i am alone. There is an endless amount of people in this world, i can meet a friend any day, every day, anywhere anytime. It's just that every time i lose one, it gets harder to invest myself in a new one. I become skeptical, reserved, wondering when this one will end like all the others. Because they all do, don't they. Every good thing must come to an end. But if god closes a door he opens a window. gah too many metaphors.
Aleks has made several comments to the effect of our living together this summer or getting engaged etc. I blow it off. I don't know what to say. Of course i want to live with him, of course i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he's the best thing that could happen to me and i love him so very much and i wish there was a way i could show him that that didn't involve buying him something because that just gets taxing on me and my wallet and has become more of a routine than a special act of significant meaning to him. I just got a new job that i start this saturday and he's already saying things like "so you can buy me things." no. no sir. i love you, and i would give the world to you if i could but don't you know that's figurative, i don't actually have the world to give to you so don't ask? idk. i would marry him, i think. i don't know. i think it would fail. i think i would let it fail. we're too young to even be thinking about anything beyond tomorrow. It scares me how close we are sometimes. Like we're peaking too early- a chronic problem i tend to have in my relationships. which is why sometimes, as much as i would love to live with him this summer, i think it would be best if we didn't, give us space and time to decide if this is really what we want. I'll be a senior next year and then i'll graduate but he still has another year. It's not fair to him to make him spend his senior year bound to a relationship we may or may not be able to maintain depending on what i do with my life. And it wouldn't be fair to me to stick around and put my life on hold just because i graduated a year early. Yes, i want to spend my life with him, but i would rather always have him as a friend then push for something more just because society tells us we should get married. I'm not even sure i think monogamy is possible. I'm not sure i believe that marriage is a good idea, at least not in the way it is presented. I think, if i ever did get married, i would ask to write my own vows because it's the only way i'd really contemplate what the marriage means to me. I mean, what is a marriage? Why do rings and saying "i do" all of a sudden mean 'you're off the market.' Nothing is stopping you from engaging in a relationship with someone else beyond your word and everyone breaks their word, it's human nature to lie.
My legs are tired, i'm going to have to fight myself to go to the gym today.
I just want to nap.
I have all day tomorrow to go to the gym.
Will i drive myself crazy if i don't go tonight?
I went to a counselor yesterday. Once he actually understands what i'm trying to tell him i think he might be able to help, but regardless of whether or not he will be successful, i think it will be good to have me time that i can just vent at a neutral third party and not feel guilty.
What would my wedding vow say?
I never believed in marriage, i always questioned whether it was possible or rational to ask any two people to give up their rights to intimacy, physical and emotional, with the rest of the world before they had a chance to discover it. I wondered whether it was selfish, whether it was just the 'thing to do'. Economics and alliance fueled the marriages of centuries past. Societal expectations enforced those of decades past. The increasing possibility of an easy out, aka divorce, and ignorance of what marriage actually entails and keeping with tradition is the only thing keeping the institution alive these days. I don't want that. It's a cute sentiment to marry your best friend but unless you're one of the lucky few, i'm sure your best friend has changed throughout the years so how can you expect it to all of a sudden stick after a ceremony with a white dress and priest? All i can promise you is that i love you, that i will give you my life openly and willingly for as long as you'll have me and i will never have what i have with you with anyone else. I'm not saying i can promise that i'll never think about straying and i can't promise you that things between us won't change, but i will always come back to you and i will always appreciate what we once had and what we will always have - a past full of memories, a present of the comfort of knowing someone is there and that someone is you, and a future of uncertainty to face with that knowledge and those memories to make it all worthwhile. I love you, i choose you, you know me inside and out and you haven't run away screaming, that means more to me than any "i do" ever could. So, I, (name) take you (name) from this day forward to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.
gah...
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