stop thinking

I need a reality check, pronto.  I'm going a little nuts and i'm grumpy and i need to chill.  I didn't go to the gym yesterday.  Why.  Because my legs hurt and because i was tired and just plain ol' didn't want to.  I didn't go to the gym this morning before work because. why.  it was cold and i was sleeping and i worked all day.  you ate 6 rolls.  why.  because i didnt eat anything before i went to work because i ate an extra 1000 calories last night in powerbars and a healthy choice pasta meal at like 11 pm.  Therefore i had to make up for it today.  But it was freezing.  -10 degrees.  I was freezing.  I was hungry.  I wanted to eat.  by 3 pm, freezing, and having had nothing to eat, i was lethargic.  I wouldnt let myself eat the other foods.  too much fat.  mitra make comment about how many rolls i ate.  bugged me.  i should be fat.  came back and ate a powerbar, yogurt, and drank a tea.  feeling lazy.  feeling worthless.  feeling like a fat slob.  tired.  ski tomorrow.  can't do usual ocd routine tomorrow either.  shit.  need my usual. need routine.  need security.  wake up, gym, class or class, gym, or class class class gym.  wheat bread, two slices of turkey (rip off questionably fatty looking parts), lettuce, apple, maybe banana, powerbar.  hour on elliptical, run.  today-nothing.  tomorrow, ski all day.  come back at five. gym will be open.  won't want to go because i'll be tired from skiing.  will feel lazy for not going. nothing counts as exercise except the gym.  normal normal normal, fuck.  not normal.  no normal.  never normal.  fuck. want to cry.  should tell him?  no.  yes.  why.  no point.  you're just being crazy.  there's nothing he can do.  stop being a burden. cry like a baby, yea that's right.  go ahead and cry.  you have a job, you're in school, you ahve amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend who you actually thought of spending the rest of your life with today even though you're not sure that's possible or are too afraid to consider that it might be possible because it's easier to accept failure when you predict it.  yea go ahead and cry. i hate you.