goodbye aleks

i miss you...i'm sorry i had to say goodbye but i knew i never would if i didnt...it's not because of you, i know i've complained endlessly about one thing or another but it never really was a you thing- it was just not an 'us' thing. I really want to talk to you now, like i always do when i can't, but i won't call you this time. Can you believe i was actually kind of hoping you would show up today anyways, that when i got back from work you would be on the front step, waiting for me. i was even considering leaving a note on the door while i was gone so you would know where to find me. but that's not you. that was greg. he would have come. he always came after me. until he didn't. and that hurt the worst. but you wouldn't have come. and even though you say you'll still be there when school starts and you want me to take you back...i think you'll realize that's not what you want. I'm hoping you realize something, i'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I know it was. It still hurts. You said you don't understand how i can still love you and miss you but want to break up. It's because even though i saw an unpleasant future for us, i see a beautiful one for you. goddamn. it needed to happen for a while. I just wasn't ready to be alone until now i guess. Or i guess there wasn't as much confusion. It's easier to say goodbye when you barely say hello anymore. You told me it was because it's easier to break someone's heart when you aren't looking them in the eye, but baby boy...i really don't think you love me the way you think you do. I think you just don't know love. But you will. Someday you'll meet her, the girl who really completes you, one you hear yourself laughing your true laugh with, the one you wake up for in the morning and can't wait to talk to. I'm not delusional about relationships. I know how amazing they start out, where everything is scary and exciting and you question every movement and every comment and get butterflies (a stage that lasted, what, a week? maybe two? for us..my fault, i know-i'm too impatient) and how all that eventually turns to taking them for granted, forgetting how they changed your life and only really notice how your life is now and taking out all the unpleasantness on them. I know i did that with you. I wanted you to be the answer. The one who could fix all my problems. And you did for a while. Well kinda. I'll never forget how you fought me that day and i'll always love you for it. I wish i could have always let you in the way i did then. I wish you would've let me in that way-just once. I will miss you aleks, but i had to say goodbye and even tho a part of me wishes i could text you and erase yesterday entirely-i know it was the right thing to do. So please forgive me. I really hope you're doing well and have a great summer and i really hope you find someone amazing who fits you. i love you and i'm sorry. goodbye aleks