Luchar

I'm realizing that my extremism will always get me into trouble.  I'm beginning my final quest to get rid of that which plagues me once and for all, fighting it with the aid of a new counselor and an amazing boyfriend and an attitude of readiness- if that makes sense.  But now i find myself tackling not only my own mind but trying to fight that of others.  I've been addicted to looking at other people's blogs about diet and weight loss since i first got my account, but it wasnt until a couple of days ago that i found the pro-ana sites.  uhoh.  Bad plan.  Nothing good can come from that.  I found myself pitying those girls.  I can see the crazy in them that i overlook in myself or rather categorize differently.  They refer to her as Ana as well.  Sometimes i swear she really is a demon, just like there's michael the angel there's Ana the demon and she preys on any and all who are weak enough to be initially susceptible to her.  anyhoo, so yea, i was reading one post that i related to quite well and got a bit angry at someone's "supportive" comment aka another ana victim endorsing the insanity.  Ana feeds off other anas.  I hate being around other anorexics or ex anorexics or anyone who has ever known ana, it drives me insane...we are immediately in competition with each other without even uttering a word, and we hate each other and love each other and want to manipulate the other all at the same time.  It's insanity.  It's kind of like misery loves company except it's more of a psychoticness slippery slope thing.  but yea, i commented on her note, all the while thinking: o shit chelle, if she writes back you're screwed, it'll drive you nuts, you can't save the world from ana, you haven't even gotten rid of her yourself yet.  sooo today i went back and deleted the comment, hopefully all will go unnoticed and i'll never hear from them, but i liked what i wrote, because it was almost  like i was writing it to myself so i copied it before i deleted it and here it is, just a reminder to myself:

"you people are insane.  don't you get it. Ana is not your friend, she never was, she never will be, she will never be satisfied by anything you do, ever.  you think you are nothing without her when really, she's nothing without you, she's just a master manipulator.  you are not strong.  you are weak.  only when you see that she will kill you and you stop fighting people who really love you and stop fighting yourself for accepting you as you are- then you are strong.  ten day fast? yes you can do it.  and congratulations when/if you do.  but did it make it all better? do you feel better now? is the world a better place for not having eaten in ten days? are you a better person? no, you are exhausted, and hungry, and stressed, and i'll bet a little bit psychotic from the mix.  i've been there. done it. good luck hating yourself for the rest of your life, thinking about nothing but food and calories and exercise and how you aren't worth anything unless you are thin.  sounds exciting doesn't it.  i can't believe you have a support group for this. and all it's all just Ana. just measly, pathetic, parasitic ana."