i need to figure out my life, pronto.

he asked me if i thought it would be better if we broke up over the summer last night.  He also said he'd thought about our retirement together and our kids and being married.  fuck my life.  i think we probably will break up for the summer.  it would just be easier.  i've got to learn to find myself, and he deserves to figure out what he wants.  Amanda never let greg have that.  she was too afraid to lose him if she ever let go so she clung to him and suffocated him and really just ended up pushing him away and onto other girls.  he needed to figure out what he wanted and not have an ultimatum thrown in his face (she told him that if they broke up, he would lose her forever).  i understood exactly where he was coming from with the whole cheating thing, didn't think it was right, thought he should've talked to her about it, but she was and always would be irrational about it.  she was so afraid to be alone, so afraid to lose him, he was her life, he was all she had, and she didn't trust that if she let him go and it was actually meant to be that he would come back to her.  but it ended up happening that way anyways, just with a lot more pain and deception than she anticipated.  I can see where she's coming from better now too.  I'd love to say "aleks and i will be together forever" and just have him there the rest of my life.  but i know that won't work, that's me trying to control the future and that just doesnt work out well.  so i will let him go, with a lot of angry tears and lonely nights, i will let him go.  if i am what he wants then let him choose me, if we are what is right to be then let it happen that way, and if i'm not and we aren't- then god help me to let go and love again.  fuck, but i do love him.  I have almost three months til then.  i have to try not to win him over in these three months and just let be what be.  and i really have GOT to stop thinking so much

Confessions of a forgotten valentine

So, i finally have a boyfriend for valentines day.  Funny thing is, it's no different than not having a boyfriend for valentines day.  I mean, he's amazing, truly is, sends me those texts every once in a while that "make me fall in love with him all over again" or says something incredibly unplanned and romantically brilliant that you think hallmark will be calling him for inspiration on their latest romance cards and then of course there's those times when he's cuddly and kissy and playful and hilarious and the times when he's serious and deep and perfect.  But then there's the other times, when all he wants to do is play video games or computer games.  I mean i get it, that's what he likes to do and it's not something he can get arrested for or another woman so i'm all for it but at the same time, it annoys me a bit.  not that he plays, that's cool.  Just that he plays all the time.  I know we're in different mind sets a lot of the time, me-ready to grow up too fast (like always), working weekends and nights, doing homework, exercising, choir, basically keeping really busy and trying to keep my head above water but usually drowning in a mass of tears because let's face it...i'm not stable, and as much as i like to think i'm grown up and can handle everything- i'm 19 and i can't.  and him-lazy (self proclaimed), wanting to draw out his youth as long as he can, pushing the majority of things that might cause him stress out of his mind or just not letting them bother him (unless i go crazy and don't make that an option for him), etc etc etc.  I get it, he's a sophomore in college, he's doing well academically, that's all he really needs to be doing right now.  I'm a junior, i graduate next year, life is smacking me in the face and i'm sticking my head out as far as i can so it gets a good shot.  I get tired of it all but i don't know how to deal or if i should or what or who or when or where blah blah blah.  

I'm scared of what happens this summer.  I want to be with him, but i'm starting to think that's not gonna happen.  If, and that is a huge if, he would stay here and not move back to baltimore for the summer, i really don't think it would work.  A) he probably wouldn't get a job and contribute to the rent which would drive me nuts, B) i don't think we're ready to live together for an entire summer, just the two of us, and C) yea, just no.  so, he does move back to baltimore and i cry myself silly for weeks missing him, wondering whether or not he ever thinks about me, what he's doing, who he's with, when it will all end.  Visit him a couple of times, when i don't work, live for those moments together then come back to depression and loneliness and work.  ay carumba, that doesnt sound so good either.  fuck monkeys, but breaking up won't solve any problems either.  maybe for him, but for me...i'll still miss him and wonder and cry and be alone, just even more so.  But even beyond this summer, what about after i graduate?  He still has another year in college and i have no idea what i'll be doing.  What then?  god i think too much, i shouldnt be thinking about shit like that, but how can i not when he talks about our future together?! oysh, i'm stressed, valentines day sucks, can i just disappear now?

i talk too much

My fears (rational and not so):

If I don't go to the gym today, i'll stop going all together and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If I stop in the middle of my workout i won't be able to start up again and will become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If i say what's really bothering me to the person it involves, i will lose them.

If i eat one, i'll eat all of them.  It's easier not to eat than to limit myself.

If i don't go to the gym, i'll eat and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

Everyone will leave and you will be alone so leave them first.  You're better off alone by choice than left.

Not being able to sleep.

Losing control.

Going completely crazy for good.

Being a horrible mother.

Being alone.

Not knowing what's going to happen...

The boys brought up a good point the other day...i have no one other than them.  They are my world, and not so much them anymore even...more just aleks.  I don't talk to gretch or kelly or any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year anymore or highschool or homeschooling or church or canton or girl scouts or dance or anything.  All i have is what i have now, and i'm already pushing them away because i know in a year they'll all be gone.  I'll graduate and i'll never see them again and they'll be added to that long list of goodbyes i never actually said but took to heart as a personal failure.  I suppose it's somewhat normal to not be in contact with people from the past, i mean yes some people are friends with the same people since they were in kindergarten and some people aren't, all that matters is whether or not you're good at making new friends.  I'm always afraid of being alone, i hate losing friends even tho that's all i've ever known.  But i forget, just because i don't have the same friends, doesn't mean that i am alone.  There is an endless amount of people in this world, i can meet a friend any day, every day, anywhere anytime.  It's just that every time i lose one, it gets harder to invest myself in a new one.  I become skeptical, reserved, wondering when this one will end like all the others.  Because they all do, don't they.  Every good thing must come to an end.  But if god closes a door he opens a window.  gah too many metaphors.  

Aleks has made several comments to the effect of our living together this summer or getting engaged etc.  I blow it off.  I don't know what to say.  Of course i want to live with him, of course i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he's the best thing that could happen to me and i love him so very much and i wish there was a way i could show him that that didn't involve buying him something because that just gets taxing on me and my wallet and has become more of a routine than a special act of significant meaning to him.  I just got a new job that i start this saturday and he's already saying things like "so you can buy me things." no.  no sir.  i love you, and i would give the world to you if i could but don't you know that's figurative, i don't actually have the world to give to you so don't ask? idk.  i would marry him, i think.  i don't know.  i think it would fail.  i think i would let it fail.  we're too young to even be thinking about anything beyond tomorrow.  It scares me how close we are sometimes.  Like we're peaking too early- a chronic problem i tend to have in my relationships.  which is why sometimes, as much as i would love to live with him this summer, i think it would be best if we didn't, give us space and time to decide if this is really what we want.  I'll be a senior next year and then i'll graduate but he still has another year.  It's not fair to him to make him spend his senior year bound to a relationship we may or may not be able to maintain depending on what i do with my life.  And it wouldn't be fair to me to stick around and put my life on hold just because i graduated a year early.  Yes, i want to spend my life with him, but i would rather always have him as a friend then push for something more just because society tells us we should get married.  I'm not even sure i think monogamy is possible.  I'm not sure i believe that marriage is a good idea, at least not in the way it is presented.  I think, if i ever did get married, i would ask to write my own vows because it's the only way i'd really contemplate what the marriage means to me.  I mean, what is a marriage?  Why do rings and saying "i do" all of a sudden mean 'you're off the market.'  Nothing is stopping you from engaging in a relationship with someone else beyond your word and everyone breaks their word, it's human nature to lie.  

My legs are tired, i'm going to have to fight myself to go to the gym today.

I just want to nap.

I have all day tomorrow to go to the gym.

Will i drive myself crazy if i don't go tonight?

I went to a counselor yesterday.  Once he actually understands what i'm trying to tell him i think he might be able to help, but regardless of whether or not he will be successful, i think it will be good to have me time that i can just vent at a neutral third party and not feel guilty.

What would my wedding vow say?

I never believed in marriage, i always questioned whether it was possible or rational to ask any two people to give up their rights to intimacy, physical and emotional, with the rest of the world before they had a chance to discover it.  I wondered whether it was selfish, whether it was just the 'thing to do'.  Economics and alliance fueled the marriages of centuries past.  Societal expectations enforced those of decades past.  The increasing possibility of an easy out, aka divorce, and ignorance of what marriage actually entails and keeping with tradition is the only thing keeping the institution alive these days.  I don't want that.  It's a cute sentiment to marry your best friend but unless you're one of the lucky few, i'm sure your best friend has changed throughout the years so how can you expect it to all of a sudden stick after a ceremony with a white dress and priest?  All i can promise you is that i love you, that i will give you my life openly and willingly for as long as you'll have me and i will never have what i have with you with anyone else.  I'm not saying i can promise that i'll never think about straying and i can't promise you that things between us won't change, but i will always come back to you and i will always appreciate what we once had and what we will always have - a past full of memories, a present of the comfort of knowing someone is there and that someone is you, and a future of uncertainty to face with that knowledge and those memories to make it all worthwhile.  I love you, i choose you, you know me inside and out and you haven't run away screaming, that means more to me than any "i do" ever could.  So, I, (name) take you (name) from this day forward to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.

gah...

Luchar

I'm realizing that my extremism will always get me into trouble.  I'm beginning my final quest to get rid of that which plagues me once and for all, fighting it with the aid of a new counselor and an amazing boyfriend and an attitude of readiness- if that makes sense.  But now i find myself tackling not only my own mind but trying to fight that of others.  I've been addicted to looking at other people's blogs about diet and weight loss since i first got my account, but it wasnt until a couple of days ago that i found the pro-ana sites.  uhoh.  Bad plan.  Nothing good can come from that.  I found myself pitying those girls.  I can see the crazy in them that i overlook in myself or rather categorize differently.  They refer to her as Ana as well.  Sometimes i swear she really is a demon, just like there's michael the angel there's Ana the demon and she preys on any and all who are weak enough to be initially susceptible to her.  anyhoo, so yea, i was reading one post that i related to quite well and got a bit angry at someone's "supportive" comment aka another ana victim endorsing the insanity.  Ana feeds off other anas.  I hate being around other anorexics or ex anorexics or anyone who has ever known ana, it drives me insane...we are immediately in competition with each other without even uttering a word, and we hate each other and love each other and want to manipulate the other all at the same time.  It's insanity.  It's kind of like misery loves company except it's more of a psychoticness slippery slope thing.  but yea, i commented on her note, all the while thinking: o shit chelle, if she writes back you're screwed, it'll drive you nuts, you can't save the world from ana, you haven't even gotten rid of her yourself yet.  sooo today i went back and deleted the comment, hopefully all will go unnoticed and i'll never hear from them, but i liked what i wrote, because it was almost  like i was writing it to myself so i copied it before i deleted it and here it is, just a reminder to myself:

"you people are insane.  don't you get it. Ana is not your friend, she never was, she never will be, she will never be satisfied by anything you do, ever.  you think you are nothing without her when really, she's nothing without you, she's just a master manipulator.  you are not strong.  you are weak.  only when you see that she will kill you and you stop fighting people who really love you and stop fighting yourself for accepting you as you are- then you are strong.  ten day fast? yes you can do it.  and congratulations when/if you do.  but did it make it all better? do you feel better now? is the world a better place for not having eaten in ten days? are you a better person? no, you are exhausted, and hungry, and stressed, and i'll bet a little bit psychotic from the mix.  i've been there. done it. good luck hating yourself for the rest of your life, thinking about nothing but food and calories and exercise and how you aren't worth anything unless you are thin.  sounds exciting doesn't it.  i can't believe you have a support group for this. and all it's all just Ana. just measly, pathetic, parasitic ana."

I've been to the gym twice since i swore it off- so much for giving it up huh? (for the record, i just said that to make myself feel better or at least feel like people won't think i'm lazy...)

I've had a million anxiety attacks since then and one major psychosis moment

I'm trying to figure out why

and when

and make them stop

or something

Things i fear/things that throw me into an anxiety attack:

-not being able to sleep (aka restlessness/insomnia/etc)-happens more often when i sleep with him (can't sleep with someone when i'm anxious- makes me really angry)

-someone catches me in the middle of a binge (embarrassing)

-someone makes a comment about going to the gym (competitive)

-someone makes a comparison between my gym/eating habits and an overweight person (if i do what they do and they're fat than i'll be fat)

-being fat/having no friends

-someone touches me when i feel fat 

...fat, food, perfection...it rules my life

reality check::

-i love my boyfriend, i can sleep just as well with him as alone some nights-what's the difference? (caffeine? gym? food? hypo/erglycemia?)

-i probably should be caught in the middle of binges just to remind me what i'm doing and not let me eat mindlessly because i'll just hate myself for it later

-Going to the gym should be me time, my body will tell me how long to go and when enough is enough, i don't have to go longer than everyone else there

-just because i have one habit in common with a larger person does not mean that i will become like them (or maybe that particular habit is not a good one to have, in that case-change it)

-i have not been fat in years, i am surrounded by friends

-i am my own worst enemy

sidenote:period is a week late...hoping my calculation is off? negative pregnancy tests.  stress? hope it's not amenorrhea again :-/

yaknapatawpha

I'm not having as hard a time with this not going to the gym, attack on my OCD insanity/ new outlook on life thing as i thought i was going to and it's scaring me.  No anxiety attacks, no major pangs of guilt, not even a slight longing for the elliptical.  Granted it's only been a couple of hours since i made the decision BUT i thought it would've hit me by now.  Maybe later tonight?  Maybe it won't hit me at all.  Maybe this is simply just what i need to do.  Redefine myself and my life and DEFINITELY my priorities.  For the record, i'm not cutting myself off from the gym entirely.  It's not like i'm  forbidding myself from entering the doors or anything drastic.  Just no more OCD.  No more "I have to go an hour or else i'm worthless."  No more addiction.  I might go running tomorrow, maybe a mile or two, if my ankle is ok with it.  And i'll probably lift weights more often just to keep some muscle.  But i need to stop the endless, full blowout calorie burning binge inducing hungryness etc I need to figure out how to balance hunger and food and normal daily activity sans excessive exertion that i wont be able to keep up for the rest of my life.  

My brother just called me.  Just to talk.  I don't know what to say about that.  It's nice that we're friends now.  It's cute that he comes to me for advice about girls.  I feel like we're grownups now.  Nehoo i should go.  byes

tired

I'm giving up the gym.  Which i know sounds completely horrible and lazy and i hate myself for it for those reasons exactly but i need to.  I'm so tired.  I am nineteen years old and exhausted.  I feel like i'm in my mid forties most of the time, just waiting until i run out of time, wondering how long i can keep this up.  Essentially, for the past 5 months i have gone at least an hour on the elliptical every day, usually more than an hour.  Every day, or almost anyways, no gym is open on christmas and i've been sick/just didn't go some days, but for the most part...every day, 150 days, 150 hours, god knows how many miles, and i am tired.  I love the feeling after i get done at the gym, the one where i feel invincible and tough and skinny and enviable.  I'd kill to have that feeling.  No really, i do kill to have that feeling, i kill myself.  My leg muscles are hard as a rock but my knees and ankles creak and hurt.  My stomach is firm and my arms are toned but my mind is in chaos all the time.  i eat almost 4000 calories a day and for my anorexic mind- that is inexcusable.  Even if i should burn 5000 a day, i should only eat 2000.  No matter how much i exercise, there is no excuse for eating over 3000 calories.  It's exhausting trying to be perfect all the time.  To never talk too much, feel too much, show too much, to have a body that i can compare with all those i see around me and not want to throw myself out of the window because i can't measure up, or at least know i'm a good week of exercise and fasting away from achieving.  i weigh 119 pounds.  i will always want to weigh 95 again.  not because of how i looked, i still thought i was fat back then.  and not because of how i felt- i wanted to kill myself on a daily basis.  but because of the achievement.  Everyone wants to lose weight right?  Everyone compliments you when you lose weight, when you're losing weight, etc.  People might make fun of you for not eating or exercising too much, but really- they're jealous.  Right?  I once weighed 95 pounds.  I once saw 95 on the scales and i am proud of that.  I starved myself out of 35 pounds of healthiness to get to that weight so i better damn well be proud. I went completely insane, tore my family apart, lost my mind, and have never really recovered and i am proud?.  I once weighed 150 pounds too.  Right after weighing 95.  That's right, i put on 55 pounds in less than a year, a lot less than a year if i remember right which god knows if i do because all those horrible days just run together in my mind anymore marked by that one day when they switched over from starving myself to the point of insanity to eating myself into an oblivion day in and day out- all the while just wanting to die.  I am not proud of gaining 55 pounds.  I hate how i looked.  I don't remember how i felt exactly, but you know what's funny.  I can remember time after time of being on the brink of complete insanity like certifiable, almost kicking out car windows to avoid hospitalization, huddled in a corner behind a chair, rocking back and forth sobbing, contemplating drinking cleaning solution just so it would end insanity when i was 95 pounds.  And that continued throughout the gaining process, but i dont remember being that crazy when i was fat.  Granted, that could be because i was on depression meds and actually had a social life (i gave up my isolating homeschooling ways for private school for my sophomore and junior years in highschool).  I dont think i felt much of anything.  So i went off them.  Cold turkey.  Bad idea.  Lost a lot of weight, new life in college, but i was really depressed.  Or moody or bi-polar or whatever the hell my type of crazy actually is.  Then freshman year ended.  Summer sucked.  Alone, all the time.  Nothing but food and a houseful of memories.  No friends.  Some work (my only saving grace) but mostly- nothing.  Then sophomore year.  Bad year.  Broken foot.  Triple with two of my best friends (neither of which i really talk to anymore).  Broken heart (i was the dreaded other woman). Almost lost everything.  Summer- spain.  Better, but not right.  Free.  Learned a lot.  Homesick.  Really really homesick.  Went home.  homesick- different kind.  hate home.  school.  Junior year.  New roomate.  The boys.  Boyfriend.  Thus far- the only drawback to this year has been me.  My mind.  My insanity.  My food and exercise and perfection addiction.  And i'm tired.  I am so goddamn tired.  I can't fight anymore.  Everyday, i fight my mind in a constant battle of what i should or shouldn't do, should i eat this, if i eat this will it throw me into a panic attack, if i don't will i have a panic attack, do i want this, can i fit the gym in, when can i fit the gym in, i don't want to go today, i have to go today, i hate myself.  I hate myself for loving myself.  I spend a good couple of hours a day looking at myself in the mirror.  I have to be perfect.  No flab anywhere.  I have to look like jennifer aniston.  How does she look like jennifer anniston.  fuck, how does jennifer aniston look like jennifer aniston.  fucky my life.  no one would be friends with you if you weren't perfect michelle.  you're not allowed to be cranky or whiny or fat.  you have to earn their friendship.  you have to earn it.  I am goddamn tired of earning it.  What's wrong with just me?  What would i be without the gym and without the perfect body and what would they do if i was crying and crazy and me?  Am i worth anything?  Could anyone love me?  Could i love me?  I've been running this same routine all my life err at least the last 9 years of it and i'm tired.  I feel like if i had a short term goal i could stay sane.  Like movie stars, how they get in shape for an upcoming movie or the oscars but then they back down on the hardcore workouts.  Or athletes that train in season but then take the time inbetween seasons off to recoop.  I don't recoop.  There is no end in sight.  This is my life.  I'm not training for anything, i just do.  I don't want to wear myself out before i'm 20 but after spending last weekend completely off the deep end, psychologically comatose in my shower for two hours, my boyfriend fighting my crazies, my parents and my boyfriend having an intervention for me.  I'm done.  counseling on tuesday.  but when did i ever listen to counselors?  I'll give him a chance.  But i have to do something for myself, and while i hate that i'm choosing the most lazy thing of all...i have to give up the gym.  No more hour every day.  I'm too tired.  I need to figure out who i am without the gym, without HAVING to go the gym every day, without the perfect body.  Am i anything?  Will my life still go on?  Can i forgive myself for eating even if i don't exercise?  I measure my days (eating wise) by when i exercise.  Any food i have after i exercise counts for the next day.  it doesnt matter when i go to bed or when iw ake up.  That' just how it works.  Fuck me.  I'm tired.  And this will drive me crazy but maybe it will be one of those crazies that get better after a couple of weeks (omigod, no gym for a couple of weeks???? i'll lost all my muscle! i'll be a fat blob! you lazy cunt!) i hate ana (my nickname for the voice in my head that goes along with anorexia).  This is how i will fight her.  This is how i will kill her.  this is how i will find me.  I need to make peace with food.  I need to stop looking at it as anything that what it is- nourishment.  It is not a happy pill, it is not my worst enemy.  I need to stop restricting myself so much (i havent had a "normal" meal in god knows how long.  I only allow myself diet meals, wheat bread, fruit, yogurt, starbucks frappuccino LIGHTS, protein bars,and massive amounts of gum, gatorade, and diet soda).  I need to be able to eat a freakin chicken sandwhich without freaking out.  Ok, maybe i need to stop focusing on what i think i NEED so much and just chill, let it happen, not be so desperate.  Life isn't supposed to be so stressful, at least not about the minute things like a slice of pizza.  Ugh, this is going to be interesting. I'm definitely gonna need help on this one.  I hope my boyfriend will still be there to help me through this no matter how crazy i get in the midst of it. God i love him.