home again home again jiggidy jig

I haven't heard from him yet today.  All i feel is depressed and alone.  Not relieved to be done, not glad to be home, not excited to be leaving.  What is wrong with me?  How is it that i always manage to focus on the negative?  Why hasn't he texted me?  Why did i tell him i hate talking on the phone?  Why didn't i make him promise that we could talk everyday, via Aim or texting or something?  Why do i have to pretend i don't need him as much as i actually do?  Where is he, what is he doing, how are his friends, is he getting along ok with his parents, did he sleep ok last night, how many times did he get high today, is the weed there better, is he bored, when is he leaving to go skiing, does he miss me, am i the only one having a hell of a time with this month apart thing, why didnt he want to see me inbetween-i would've driven down, does he really think we can go back to what we were after a month of not talking or seeing each other, did i? god dammit, i really have got to stop checking my phone- it's sitting right next to me, i would hear it if it vibrated.  stop checking to see if he's online.  He's not.  Let it go michelle.  Suck it up.  Let your heart break and get over it.  You can start again.  You're a pheonix baby girl, just don't stop to think about the burn too much.  

I am not ok.  I do not want to be here.  I hate how much i need you.  STOP CHECKING YOUR PHONE!!!!!!

Numero dos, don't judge me

So i almost didn't write this on here.  I thought it would seem too pathetic to make more than on post in less than 3 hours or however long ago it was that i wrote the last one.  Yes, that's right...i was worried about judgment, from a blog.  Like there's some code or secret blog etiquette that limits you to the emotional spans of one blog a day because two or more obviously means you have serious emotional issues or no life and either way, there's no reason for blogging to get a bad rap for your lack of consideration for the code.  I'm upset and food just isn't doing it for me tonight.  Normally i can down about 5 lean cuisine pizzas and 8 yogurts topped off with a bag or two of grapes and feel better- err numb.  Not so much better.  But it gives me something else to focus on (how much i hate myself for being a fat glutonous slob).  I feel better after i cry.  But i don't really ever let myself cry, i try to hold it in or at least make it as silent as possible.  I think i'm afraid if i let myself really start to cry i'd never stop.  And who wants that?  Some crying sap who's always emotional- what a cry baby.  What a loon.  Not for me.  No sir.  I'm strong.  I don't need to cry. (right)  I don't need anyone.  (liar)  I'm fine.  (ha)

Ok, i lied.  I need him.  I miss him.  I can't stand not being with him.  I don't know when that happened.  A month ago i left for a weekend without him and was fine, i mean i thought about him but meh, it wasn't a big deal.  Granted 3 days versus thirty is a big difference but what the hell is wrong with me.  I can't stop crying everytime i think about him.  Is it just my usual conniption?  That everytime i say goodbye i think it's the last.  Am i afraid that since we have no idea how to be apart and still have a relationship, that we promised not to call because we both hate the phone ( which i dont really, i mean i do- i'm not a fan, i probably won't call you, ever, if i dont have to but i really want to talk to him no matter what the method.  I want to hear his voice.  It's like that song, i forget what it's called, but it goes "and i hate the phone, but i wish you'd call"- o yea, it's "the fear you won't fall" by joshua radin.  Good song btw)

...insert pause of about 3 more hours...

So just spent my night pow-wowing with the boys- o how i love them, or rather that i'm one of them.  They can almost always cheer me up and they have absolutely no idea that a second before they showed up i probably couldn't have forced myself to smile.  They're amazing guys, all of them.  Ninja always amazes me, he plays himself off as such a souless bastard and a scary motherfucka-which he is, but he definitely has that other side, the one that you can tell makes for a great boyfriend and whoever gets him will be one lucky girl.  Then there's justin- horny bastard-yes, absolutely.  but so sweet, such a cuddler, he just needs to find himself a little kinky nerdy chick haha 

...he just texted me...

god i miss him, i love the boys dearly but they'll never be him, he's not perfect- not in the least, he drives me nuts sometimes, he can be so clueless and selfish at times but then again so can i and god do i love him...it's gonna be a long break

You can say no

I miss him.  It's been about 49 hours since i've seen him and i'm pathetically still crying.  But why?  There has to be a reason beyond just missing him because he's not here.  I'm not that irrationally emotional am i?  Ok I am.  But what is my problem?  He didn't die.  It's not like i won't ever see him again.  He's just a couple hours away and in a month we'll all be back together.  A month's not so long, what's 30 some days when you have a limited forever still in front of you.  A limited forever.  An amount of time that tricks you into thinking it's longer than you could ask for when really it always ends up being exactly the opposite.  Forever is subjective.  For some people, their forever may be 90 years for others it might be six months.  The shorter a forever, the more tragic and heartbreaking it is but those with the shortest forevers are always the lucky ones.  It's like the "only the good die young" principle.  When you love someone and you know you only have a short time with them you learn to appreciate everything.  You pay attention to every kiss and take in every moment, memorizing every expression and every feeling knowing it won't be long before it's gone.  All of it gone.  Learning to miss someone while they're still there is the most important thing you could ever learn to do.  Not miss them in the they're still there in body but not in heart way, but the taking advantage of every moment together, remembering what's important and to appreciate them as though they weren't there anymore.  Try it sometime.  Imagine that someone that you love is dead while you're laying next to them.  Try not to cry.  I dare you.  Now know what it feels like.  If they're asleep just watch them.  All of a sudden that stupid chawing noise that used to drive you nuts is the most comforting sound you could ever imagine and that body that steals the sheets looks so perfect you can't help but want to wrap not only the blankets but your arms around it and just hold it because it's still there and that's more important than anything.  These feelings never last.  You fall asleep.  They make you angry.  You forget that life is temporary and start feeling invincible again, trudging through the days, riding the highs and collapsing at the end of a long stressful week fighting off tears because you wouldn't want to seem weak would you.  You don't want people to see your puffy eyes or your swollen nose.  You're PMSing.  You're hormonal.  You're a girl.  Or maybe it's just me.  I know- i'm fucked up but the thing is, as much as i like to think i'm crazy-i'm not.  Not really.  And the things i've been through in my life, yea some have been unpleasant but no matter what i tell myself or how much i wallow in self pity- it wasn't that bad.  I'm still here.  My forever is still going and at least now i know to appreciate it.  Friends aren't forever.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that.  It's a beautiful sentiment but it's not true.  You will grow apart from everyone you meet no matter how close you get to them.  Everyone will hurt you, mostly unintentionally-more of a side effect or consequence of them figuring out their own lives than trying to effect yours in any way.  And you know what...it's okay.  Sure it hurts, but sometimes i think pain is the best part of life.  No i'm not masochistic, it's just that- have you ever been at the edge of your mind, your mouth gaping open in an inaudible scream of pain, tears running down your cheeks, ready to give up?  So upset because it's another "the end," another i told you so or you should've known better from your own voice in your head.  It sucks but you're alive and you feel it.  That's the second most important thing you could ever learn to do...learn to not just be and feel alive but know you're alive, make a conscious note that you are, in fact, living.  That this is your life, you're not a character in a movie or a book, you're not acting out any play- this is your life.  You decide what you do, you decide what you feel, there are no narrators, no playwrights, and no trailers to storm off to.  Only your mind and your body and your life.  You will die.  Everyone does.  You will have your heart broken and you will learn that i'll always love you doesn't literally mean you have endless love for them.  Loves comes and goes, you find it in one person and then you lose it to find it another and lose it again to maybe come back to find it again in the first.   You can choose to fight for an enduring love or you can let it go and let it decide its destiny for itself but either way, it's never how you expect.  Always and forever are subjective.  The shorter they are the more powerful and influential they are to your life.  Sometimes too influential or at least it seems it at the moment it's happening.  Maybe i've had to say goodbye too many times.  Maybe i am more fucked up then i thought.  Maybe i'm just bitter and scared and i hide it with rationalizing and philosophizing.  Maybe i just want to create the answers to questions that have no answers because i'm too weak to accept ambiguity and uncertainty in my life.  I'm a control freak and when you know it's impossible to have control over something- like life and love and relationships- you over think things until you think you have played out every scenario possible in your head and know how to cope with them all.  Or at least always have a plan for the worst case scenario and are constantly prepared for it to happen so at least you have some control, maybe not over when and how things happen but how you react to them.  But it's life, and it will always one up you.  I can pretend that i know my relationship with him will probably end in a year or so if not this month (because we have no idea how to communicate long distance, hell it took us three months to really get the hang of it in person- living two feet away from each other) and that i'm ok with it because i know love doesnt last and the most important thing is to make the most of the moment yada yada blah blah blah.  I'll still be devastated.  But pain is good right, you learn from it and you'll get over it only to move on and find someone new to love or maybe not.  Maybe you'll spend the rest of your life alone but that's okay too because you've already lived and loved enough for two lifetimes.  Plus you can always adopt or have a child, someone you are safe to love for at least a good 16 years because they depend on you.  And isn't that what love is, dependence?  No, it's not for the record but i seem to think it is.  I make sure the people in my life that i love need me.  That i am a necessity or at least a really convenient amenity because otherwise- i'm nothing.  What purpose do i have if i don't buy your food or wash your clothes or give you massages.  I know- horrible isn't it.  I do those things out of love (especially the massages, err at least most of the time hehe) but it's always in the back of my mind that i'm winning you over.  That i have to be perfect or you'll leave before i'm ready for this particular forever to be over.  God i'm screwed up and i am so sorry.  I love too much, i think that's my problem.  I don't know how to love someone in a healthy way.  I'm an extremist.  I only know how to be devestatingly in love with them, pour my heart out, feel every ounce of pain, or hold back and pretend i'm in love.  Why o why would anyone ever want to be friends with me let alone date me.  I'm a nutball and the only reason i seem like a catch (forgive the cockiness) is because i make damn sure that i am- going to the gym to have the perfect body, buying things and spoiling you, attending to every need sexual or otherwise, never ask you for anything, never bother you when you're with your boys, never commit any of the cardinal sins of a girlfriend because i have to be perfect.  And the whole time i'm going nuts.  I have no idea how to be just me.  I can't imagine anyone liking just me.  What do i have to offer the world?  What do i have to offer you.  I can love you, but is that enough to make you stay?  You'll leave, i know you'll leave, why wouldn't you?   I would.  But maybe if i can bribe you without you knowing it, maybe i can delude you, maybe i can somehow try to control the length of this forever, make it just a little longer.  God, i am a control freak.  When everything in my life is going crazy and my mind is turning against me because i can't stand up to my expectations any longer without bursting, my only comfort is to know that i can die.  That i can facilitate my own death.  That i can determine the length of my personal forever even if i can't influence that of ours.  Wow, i really want to run away now.  I don't want to think anymore, what do i do with this?  What can i do?  Shit, i just exposed my insecurities to myself and i have no idea what to do with them.  I have no idea how to fix myself and i have no idea how to find myself and i definitely have no idea how to trust anyone enough to let them help  me.   Can i just be at the beach now.  I don't want to think anymore, lalalalalala.  Shit, it's gonna be a long night.