gaydom

I wanted to write another post tonight, i had planned on it anyways but i should've known better then to plan lol.  Nothing ever happens when i plan it.  I wanted to write and think about "us" (no not me and my crazy mind that i sometimes like to separate from myself as another person entirely aka Ana, aka the crazy one, aka she who eats my soul), but the him and me.  Trouble is, he's sitting catty-cornered from me and thus, tis awkward to write about him when he's well right there.  Bottom line, so i don't forget about what i wanted to write about is that I'm scared yes, relationships are scary, i'm afraid he'll leave, i'm afraid he'll find someone better suited for him than me, i'm afraid he'll get tired of me, i'm afraid we'll break up because it's just not fun anymore, and i know i'll be devestated.  But that's life right?  Things change, people change, some people are there for all the phases in your life (or at least the majority) and others are just passing through.  He's perfect for me ya kno.  He is.  He's calm, loving, cuddly, imaginative, adventurous, musical, doesn't take my crap (one of the best parts about him actually, he knows about my eating shit and instead of letting me wallow about it or feel bad about myself he wants to kick my ass with it, which is kind of exactly what i need though i would never admit that to him or anyone.  Like last night, he made me sing for him for his little song project he's working on.  I hate to sing in front of people.  I'm incredibly self conscious.  I think i can sing well enough sometimes and get all cocky about it just to find out i was flat the whole time or something and get completely crushed-extremist, remember.  I like to blame my self consciousness on my father telling me i was flat and embarrassing me, and i like to wallow in my self consciousness, making a fuss about it.  He doesn't allow it.  "Sing." he'd say. "I'm going flat, ugggh i hate you, i hate singing in front of people!!!"  "If your flat, fix it, tune it up."  "Uggggh!!"  aka he's that kick in the patootie that i need with the soft edge of love behind it.  Dagnabbit, sometimes i catch myself thinking about a potential future with him, you know the whole "i do," house and home, joint incomes, baby in a baby carriage, suburbia wedded life.  Then i run away, metaphorically.  Marriage, gah. Commitment.  Woah, nooo sir.  More chance of being left when you're committed, more to leave.  Hurts worse too.  No sir, don't want to think about it, don't want to jinx it, stop thinking so much.  Bottom line:  Whatever happens between he and i, whether we stay together or break up and go our separate ways, i hope that 10 years from now i can call him up to go on a crazy adventure of skiing in the alps or something ridiculous.  I guess i just don't want to lose him permanently, ever.  I can handle a break up, even a messy one, if we can still be friends after time has passed.  If he's happier with joanna, if Cassandra understands him better than i ever could, if some mystery girl just sparks his heart like i never could.  Ok, it'll hurt, but if it's what's best for him, then ok.  I just hope we can be friends.  I hope.  Because i need him to keep kicking my ass but i guess at that point it doesnt really matter what i need anymore which is why break ups suck so bad.  Gah, why am i thinking about this.  He's sitting right there.  Things are good.  You seriously need to learn to shut up chelle.  Seriously.