Status update

Current age: 21 - finally legal - i've been to the bar 3 times since legalhood - turning that magic age sure didn't help me with any of my problems like i thought it might

Current employment - Employed full time as a front desk associate at a Marriott hotel - enjoy the job - hate people. no, not hate the people. I love my boss and the housekeepers and girls in laundry and everyone who works there. and no, "people" doesn't mean guests. it just means I hate that people in general tend to take out their frustrations on the wrong person or even have frustrations at all about things that would and could only frustrate a spoiled American. Tell me something, do you think someone from a third world country would even consider getting upset over the fact that they were not automatically upgraded to the suite just because it was available? Do you think they would throw key cards at you or report you to customer care because of some silly error which is bound to happen because we are human after all.

Current relationship - Living with boyfriend in a studio apartment, most amazing boyfriend ever, scared to call him soul mate. scared to think about relationships. afraid of losing him. afraid of future.

Current weight- 132, assuming, probably more. still go to gym everyday. take frustrations of work and life out on food.

Current mental health - at this moment, not awful. usually pretty volatile. no closer to sanity than the majority of my life. hoping to someday find that equilibrium of happy/sad/normal human emotions and sanity. hoping to someday not hate myself.

Current friendships - avoiding all. blaming it on weight and feeling uncomfortable with ppl seeing me. really just unable to deal with emotions. as always.

I graduate college in less than three weeks.

I will leave with no friends to call...

I don't have a plan for my future

and I hate when people make encouraging excuses for you when you tell them you have no idea what you're doing with your life

I'm alone almost all of the time

mostly because I choose to be

My philosophy has always been to run away before i'm left

but perhaps running a year premature was not such a great plan

then again...running in the figurative sense never is

I want to marry my boyfriend

he wants to marry me

I don't know if we will still be together in a year.

I miss all the people who have been in my life.

I hate you for leaving me now.

I am my own worst enemy.

I need a change of pace.

I need a dose of courage.

I need to be freakin' 21 so I can go to a bar and get drunk.

But how do you escape yourself?

I have no idea.

If/When I do this program in Spain,

I can NOT, I repeat, canNOT play it safe.

Playing it safe has ruined my life.

No one can hurt you if you don't let them near.

Then you have no one to blame but yourself.

And you're used to that.

I don't know why i'm writing in poetry form.

I don't know why I'm writing at all.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I used to be so close to so many people.

My roomate and I freshman year were inseparable.

My best friend and I in highschool were ridiculously close.

I was once the center of attention for the boys.

Now i'm no one.

I need to re-invent myself.

I need to be with people.

I need to give them a chance.

I need to give myself a chance.

I need to learn how to form a sentence without "I" in it...

After all..."I" is the problem.

...sigh

I'm scared to graduate. Ok that's not really it, I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of goodbyes. I know people come in and out of your life all the time and that's normal but i suck at normal. I'm not normal and I can't seem to do normal. I have no idea what i'm going to do after college. I have no idea how i'm going to make it until then except for one day at a time and these past couple days have been not so good.

I didn't go to the gym monday. I didn't go to the gym today. I probably can't go on saturday. I suck.

I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time, and making life decisions that make me feel even lonelier.

The Ins and Outs of disordered eating

What I've learned about food, health, and myself after seven years of trying it all.

-Dinner and a movie should be separate activities (Tv and food don't mix)

-There's no such thing as a healthy binge

-Fat is not the enemy

-Listen to your body, it knows better than you

-Sometimes, a walk is all you need

-Don't compare

-Calories don't count

-Back to the basics

-Superfoods