"Hey there! How's life in vactionville?"
::One hour and 45 minutes later::
"Nice! Thank you"
...That's it. That's all. And this is following a full day of not hearing from him once. Granted I didn't try to contact him either. It's a game I routinely play with current love interests when contact tends to be limited - see who can hold out the longest. Too bad my opponent doesn't know he's playing, too bad I almost always end up losing regardless of the outcome :-/ There's something incredibly pathetic about one's mood being governed by the tell-tale beeps/vibrations of a mini message machine. You become a slave to your cell phone signal. Is it working? Can he get through? Did I miss a text coming in while I was texting someone else (quickly scan through the last 95 texts from your trusty friends who don't leave you hanging on a regular basis)? What if I accidentally deleted it (ha, yeaaa right)! And then when the text finally does come through...
"Nice! Thank you"
Read: Sllllaaaaaaaaaaap! I don't have any particularly positive feelings towards you. You are a commodity in my life. Please accept this role for what it is and leave me outside the realm of your foolish expectations.
Think it's safe to say it's a no-go? Think it's time to say goodbye? Wasting my time, am I. Oh yoda, I'm searching my feelings! Now where the hell is the force!
You can't miss what was never there. But damn do I miss what could've been.
Damn my anxieties, damn my second-guessing, damn my silent tongue.
Thank god for friends (P.s. Hi Gerry - yes you are the reason I'm writing on here today lol, I forgot about my blog for awhile but your email reminded me of it and it just seemed right to return and vent. Hope all is well with you!)
Meeting potential roommates tonight (err I don't want to live where they live so really I'm just going to meet them in hopes of striking up a friendship...that suddenly sounds incredibly pathetic).
Meeting another roommate possibility tomorrow (more of a chance for an actual roommating scenario with that one...maybe)
Choir Audition tonight (Won't get in, but at least it's something to do for a night. Kinda really want to get in though...)
Hopefully hanging out with Meg again this week. Thank dear baby Jesus for Meg.
K back to work I suppose.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Summer 2011
Oh hello there old friend. It's been a while hasn't it. Funny how you always draw me in every couple of months to check on you. How are things? Still holding up in the ol' cyber world? You look good. Have you lost bytes (only computer word I know haha, wish there was a better one for a pun effect)? How's the fam? Getting along any better with your spotlight hogging brother F.B.? Don't let his flashiness get you down. I've never been able to be as intimate with him as I can be with you. And actually, I generally feel a little down after visiting him, hearing all his over embellished stories of great things happening in other people's lives. Mostly because mine can't even remotely compare since I've chosen to travel through life via the path of least resistance (also known as the safest and most boring route). I'm working on it though. No big exciting outwardly noticeable changes, but little internal ones that seem to be making a difference.
I'm doing well. Mostly. Actually, I really am.
Much to your surprise (and my own a bit I suppose), I did NOT get back together with Aleks like the million and a half break up teasers before. It was the real deal. He is gone, living in San Francisco, going to grad school, being him. We still talk. Had an hour long phone convo on sunday actually. May have been the only time we've ever done that. Pretty sure it was. Re-opened the wound a bit, but better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, right? Can't help it if there are still heartstrings attached there. I just have to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything. And keep myself from hopping a plane to Cali. Yea...
My eating...is still sporadic or maybe the word is spastic, regardless - still wierd. I make sure I eat breakfast now though. Every day. Or at least most days. I eat lots of protein. Definitely try to stay away from uncontrolled fruit binges and bread and cereal and all such grainy things aside from the rice family. My staples are: Eggland's Best Eggs, Stonyfield Farms Strawberry Greek Yogurt mixed with 1 container of Chobani Fat Free Plain Greek Yogurt (31 grams of protein right there, woot), Clif Chocolate Peanut Butter Builder Bars (20 grams of protein), Kashi Frozen Meals (Sweet and Sour Chicken is my fav), shrimp with barbeque sauce, steam fresh bags of sugar snap peas, green beans, and brussel sprouts, 2 pound bag of nectarines, and a starbuck's light frappuccino (no coffee, just venti amount of skim milk and ice, and one squirt of the light base). Do I eat multiple of all that in one day...yes, yes I do but we won't discuss that.
My weight is actually ok right now. around 120-122.
I met a guy in July and lost a lot of weight really fast while I was on the high of having a crush again. I got really skinny, some scales saying 115 on mornings after days of not eating much. I lost my period though because of it. I'm back up a little bit, not crazily, but just a little more meat on the ol' bones. Hopefully that will help regulate the hormones. I wish I was skinnier, but meh...I always will. I wished I was skinnier when I was 115. Yea...
On the upside, I did seem to successfully impress boy enough that he is still around, well sorta. We're having some issues at the moment, but once again, I think they're just my issues that I superimpose on "us". He's really nice, you would like him. I just have to figure some shit out.
I've learned to meet new people though. Still get all kinds of crazy nervous about it and want to back out, but generally able to overcome that and kick my butt into going to hang out. It started when I was going nuts at my apartment one day so I decided to go pretend to be Ernest Hemingway and write in my notebook at a local bar whilst sipping on a glass of chardonnay. An old guy, ok, not as old as I told everyone to make them more comfortable with it but nehoo, came over and introduced himself to me because he was so impressed I was writing with ink instead of clip clapping away on a computer. Lame line? Maybe. He was nice. He told me all about his life, his jobs (he claimed to have been a roadie for aerosmith before they were big, was a musician himself, worked on people's yachts as a deck hand, etc etc etc) , his ex wives, his dead wife (who left him a shit ton of money and one hell of a broken heart), his current life (he moved to willypo to settle down with a girlfriend who was from here, but she ended up breaking up with him after he made the move from washington, dc, so that left him completely alone in a new hickville town that his personality and style were not really compatible with). I ended up giving him my number and we went on a couple of dinner dates after that, but I haven't really heard from him in months. He met a girl the last time I spoke with him so I hope things are going well for him :-) Thank you Mick Johns for being the first of many great people I've met in these past couple of months!
After Mick, a neighbor who was friends with my Ex and I was cordial with invited me to go to dinner with him and a few of his friends one night. I agreed even though I was, of course, half tempted to back out. And I'm so glad I went because that was the night I was unknowingly set up with new boy :-) Soooo the next month I spent most of my time with new boy and his friends. It was lovely! Then boy started drifting away a bit. Still is. I guess the "honeymoon" is over.
But anyways. Another monumental meet has been Meg :-) She posted on craigslist for a hiking buddy and I responded with information about a local woman's outdoor adventure group that I had joined (oh yea, that was another social step I made! and also went kayaking several times which was a new experience and I looooved it!) and in the midst of a few emails back and forth she revealed that she was a homeschooling mom struggling with depression and the decision to continue homeschooling her kids or put them in bishop neumann....coincidence? I think not. Since then, she and I have become rather close, texting all day long somedays lol and having good walks and talks. I love her kiddos too. It was nice to have someone open up and share themselves with me again and it's great to have her mature perspective on my life. She's my first intimate not college friend and I'm starting to feel grown up (speaking of which, I'm 22 now...yipes!).
As for college friends, I talked a lot with holly about her boy troubles and such before she left for japan but now she's literally on the other side of the world and communication is a bit difficult :-/ I miss that crazy lady. Matt and Andrew came up for a weekend and we had a blast. May have been the best weekend I've had all summer, err longer actually. I really need to keep in touch with them better.
I moved back into my apt in june and have been living solo ever since. I was all excited when I met new boy because I thought he would assume the role of what I presumed meant boyfriend, aka hanging out all the time and sleeping over, but this boy is not that kind of boyfriend at all SOOO once I came to terms with that, I decided I should start looking for a roommate. I've met one lady already and am going out to dinner tonight with her and a few other people who are a part of her social club. Totally nervous, don't want to go. Know I should go. Am going. Just blah. Stupid social anxieties. Stupid insecurities. Nehoo, this lady is nice but I think we both know we're not exaclty what the other is looking for in a roommate. I have two other meets lined up for potential roommates, one guy and the other is a house with two girls who work for reptileland lol. Pretty sure I don't want to live with either a guy or the snake that these girls have BUT I have every intention of going to meet them in hopes of making friends if nothing else.
I've discovered the "high" of meeting people. Keeps you feeling alive, connected to the world somehow, gets you out of your head. Now I just need to learn how to keep the relationships going...
Nehoo, things at work are going well too. I was promoted and given a 60 cent raise lol but I really do like it here.
See things are good. This summer was great. I grew. What more can I ask for?
1-1/2 more hours to go before I'm done at work for today.
Dinner out tonight with new people. Maybe drinks after with Colin.
Hiking tomorrow morning with Meg.
Maybe I'll see boy tomorrow night?
Church sunday (I've been church hopping on sundays which has been fun and new too) and volunteering with my mom.
Monday night program at clark chapel
Wednesday meet potential roommates
etc.
And of course Gym every day.
Alright I'm off.
Good to talk to you.
HUGS!
-Me.
I'm doing well. Mostly. Actually, I really am.
Much to your surprise (and my own a bit I suppose), I did NOT get back together with Aleks like the million and a half break up teasers before. It was the real deal. He is gone, living in San Francisco, going to grad school, being him. We still talk. Had an hour long phone convo on sunday actually. May have been the only time we've ever done that. Pretty sure it was. Re-opened the wound a bit, but better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, right? Can't help it if there are still heartstrings attached there. I just have to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything. And keep myself from hopping a plane to Cali. Yea...
My eating...is still sporadic or maybe the word is spastic, regardless - still wierd. I make sure I eat breakfast now though. Every day. Or at least most days. I eat lots of protein. Definitely try to stay away from uncontrolled fruit binges and bread and cereal and all such grainy things aside from the rice family. My staples are: Eggland's Best Eggs, Stonyfield Farms Strawberry Greek Yogurt mixed with 1 container of Chobani Fat Free Plain Greek Yogurt (31 grams of protein right there, woot), Clif Chocolate Peanut Butter Builder Bars (20 grams of protein), Kashi Frozen Meals (Sweet and Sour Chicken is my fav), shrimp with barbeque sauce, steam fresh bags of sugar snap peas, green beans, and brussel sprouts, 2 pound bag of nectarines, and a starbuck's light frappuccino (no coffee, just venti amount of skim milk and ice, and one squirt of the light base). Do I eat multiple of all that in one day...yes, yes I do but we won't discuss that.
My weight is actually ok right now. around 120-122.
I met a guy in July and lost a lot of weight really fast while I was on the high of having a crush again. I got really skinny, some scales saying 115 on mornings after days of not eating much. I lost my period though because of it. I'm back up a little bit, not crazily, but just a little more meat on the ol' bones. Hopefully that will help regulate the hormones. I wish I was skinnier, but meh...I always will. I wished I was skinnier when I was 115. Yea...
On the upside, I did seem to successfully impress boy enough that he is still around, well sorta. We're having some issues at the moment, but once again, I think they're just my issues that I superimpose on "us". He's really nice, you would like him. I just have to figure some shit out.
I've learned to meet new people though. Still get all kinds of crazy nervous about it and want to back out, but generally able to overcome that and kick my butt into going to hang out. It started when I was going nuts at my apartment one day so I decided to go pretend to be Ernest Hemingway and write in my notebook at a local bar whilst sipping on a glass of chardonnay. An old guy, ok, not as old as I told everyone to make them more comfortable with it but nehoo, came over and introduced himself to me because he was so impressed I was writing with ink instead of clip clapping away on a computer. Lame line? Maybe. He was nice. He told me all about his life, his jobs (he claimed to have been a roadie for aerosmith before they were big, was a musician himself, worked on people's yachts as a deck hand, etc etc etc) , his ex wives, his dead wife (who left him a shit ton of money and one hell of a broken heart), his current life (he moved to willypo to settle down with a girlfriend who was from here, but she ended up breaking up with him after he made the move from washington, dc, so that left him completely alone in a new hickville town that his personality and style were not really compatible with). I ended up giving him my number and we went on a couple of dinner dates after that, but I haven't really heard from him in months. He met a girl the last time I spoke with him so I hope things are going well for him :-) Thank you Mick Johns for being the first of many great people I've met in these past couple of months!
After Mick, a neighbor who was friends with my Ex and I was cordial with invited me to go to dinner with him and a few of his friends one night. I agreed even though I was, of course, half tempted to back out. And I'm so glad I went because that was the night I was unknowingly set up with new boy :-) Soooo the next month I spent most of my time with new boy and his friends. It was lovely! Then boy started drifting away a bit. Still is. I guess the "honeymoon" is over.
But anyways. Another monumental meet has been Meg :-) She posted on craigslist for a hiking buddy and I responded with information about a local woman's outdoor adventure group that I had joined (oh yea, that was another social step I made! and also went kayaking several times which was a new experience and I looooved it!) and in the midst of a few emails back and forth she revealed that she was a homeschooling mom struggling with depression and the decision to continue homeschooling her kids or put them in bishop neumann....coincidence? I think not. Since then, she and I have become rather close, texting all day long somedays lol and having good walks and talks. I love her kiddos too. It was nice to have someone open up and share themselves with me again and it's great to have her mature perspective on my life. She's my first intimate not college friend and I'm starting to feel grown up (speaking of which, I'm 22 now...yipes!).
As for college friends, I talked a lot with holly about her boy troubles and such before she left for japan but now she's literally on the other side of the world and communication is a bit difficult :-/ I miss that crazy lady. Matt and Andrew came up for a weekend and we had a blast. May have been the best weekend I've had all summer, err longer actually. I really need to keep in touch with them better.
I moved back into my apt in june and have been living solo ever since. I was all excited when I met new boy because I thought he would assume the role of what I presumed meant boyfriend, aka hanging out all the time and sleeping over, but this boy is not that kind of boyfriend at all SOOO once I came to terms with that, I decided I should start looking for a roommate. I've met one lady already and am going out to dinner tonight with her and a few other people who are a part of her social club. Totally nervous, don't want to go. Know I should go. Am going. Just blah. Stupid social anxieties. Stupid insecurities. Nehoo, this lady is nice but I think we both know we're not exaclty what the other is looking for in a roommate. I have two other meets lined up for potential roommates, one guy and the other is a house with two girls who work for reptileland lol. Pretty sure I don't want to live with either a guy or the snake that these girls have BUT I have every intention of going to meet them in hopes of making friends if nothing else.
I've discovered the "high" of meeting people. Keeps you feeling alive, connected to the world somehow, gets you out of your head. Now I just need to learn how to keep the relationships going...
Nehoo, things at work are going well too. I was promoted and given a 60 cent raise lol but I really do like it here.
See things are good. This summer was great. I grew. What more can I ask for?
1-1/2 more hours to go before I'm done at work for today.
Dinner out tonight with new people. Maybe drinks after with Colin.
Hiking tomorrow morning with Meg.
Maybe I'll see boy tomorrow night?
Church sunday (I've been church hopping on sundays which has been fun and new too) and volunteering with my mom.
Monday night program at clark chapel
Wednesday meet potential roommates
etc.
And of course Gym every day.
Alright I'm off.
Good to talk to you.
HUGS!
-Me.
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