he asked me if i thought it would be better if we broke up over the summer last night.  He also said he'd thought about our retirement together and our kids and being married.  fuck my life.  i think we probably will break up for the summer.  it would just be easier.  i've got to learn to find myself, and he deserves to figure out what he wants.  Amanda never let greg have that.  she was too afraid to lose him if she ever let go so she clung to him and suffocated him and really just ended up pushing him away and onto other girls.  he needed to figure out what he wanted and not have an ultimatum thrown in his face (she told him that if they broke up, he would lose her forever).  i understood exactly where he was coming from with the whole cheating thing, didn't think it was right, thought he should've talked to her about it, but she was and always would be irrational about it.  she was so afraid to be alone, so afraid to lose him, he was her life, he was all she had, and she didn't trust that if she let him go and it was actually meant to be that he would come back to her.  but it ended up happening that way anyways, just with a lot more pain and deception than she anticipated.  I can see where she's coming from better now too.  I'd love to say "aleks and i will be together forever" and just have him there the rest of my life.  but i know that won't work, that's me trying to control the future and that just doesnt work out well.  so i will let him go, with a lot of angry tears and lonely nights, i will let him go.  if i am what he wants then let him choose me, if we are what is right to be then let it happen that way, and if i'm not and we aren't- then god help me to let go and love again.  fuck, but i do love him.  I have almost three months til then.  i have to try not to win him over in these three months and just let be what be.  and i really have GOT to stop thinking so much