buttmonger

Why is it i always want to run from the exact thing that i've been wanting/ok not really want but know i need when it is presented to me? I know i need help. I know i'm trying to make myself go crazy. I know i could do it on my own but i also know i won't because what's the point? I weigh 118 pounds, the exact weight i was before everything went kerfleuwy in my eating world. That was 9 years ago. I'm not much better off today then i was then. I still go crazy sometimes and want to curl up in corners and pull my hair out. I'm still on the ever present quest for the perfect body because it gives me the attention that i crave. And i still write everything i think, except now it's online instead of in journals. I have grown up a bit and i do feel like i've learned a lot. Maybe too much, or at least i feel entitled to claim that i've learned a lot when really i haven't even begun to grasp half of what i claim to know. Does that make sense? Does anything i ever say make sense? Am i just lying to myself about everything including who i am? Am i ever genuine other than when i cry? Can i deal with the fact that i'm alive a part of this world and have absolutely no control over what will happen to me or anyone i know? o god, that's scary. no control. i hate that. I have to know, i have to be prepared, i just have to. no. LET IT GO chelle, let it go. i know you feel like crying right now, and you're wondering who notices because you're in a public computer lab with popular kids and you want them to think you're cool. why. why do you give a crap what anyone thinks. of course you should care what your friends think of you but that's because they're your friends, You, YOUR friends, aka they know you and accept you and what they think of you coincides (or at least SHOULD coincide) with what you think of yourself so you caring what they think is really just them keeping you true to yourself. maybe. maybe you shouldn't care what anyone thinks, even yourself. especially ana. never care what she thinks, ever, she will keep you in a size 6 jean and she may make you popular but she'll never be you and she'll never give a shit about what you want or who you are, she only cares about what you are. fuck you ana. I'm tired of you. I don't want to hear your annoying contradictory voice every time i try to make a healthy or damn, even unhealthy decision. I weigh 118. I can see most of my bones when i wake up in the morning before i begin eating for the day. I liked myself in the mirror at 125. I was happier at 135. i want to be 115. i need to stop...