Numero dos, don't judge me

So i almost didn't write this on here.  I thought it would seem too pathetic to make more than on post in less than 3 hours or however long ago it was that i wrote the last one.  Yes, that's right...i was worried about judgment, from a blog.  Like there's some code or secret blog etiquette that limits you to the emotional spans of one blog a day because two or more obviously means you have serious emotional issues or no life and either way, there's no reason for blogging to get a bad rap for your lack of consideration for the code.  I'm upset and food just isn't doing it for me tonight.  Normally i can down about 5 lean cuisine pizzas and 8 yogurts topped off with a bag or two of grapes and feel better- err numb.  Not so much better.  But it gives me something else to focus on (how much i hate myself for being a fat glutonous slob).  I feel better after i cry.  But i don't really ever let myself cry, i try to hold it in or at least make it as silent as possible.  I think i'm afraid if i let myself really start to cry i'd never stop.  And who wants that?  Some crying sap who's always emotional- what a cry baby.  What a loon.  Not for me.  No sir.  I'm strong.  I don't need to cry. (right)  I don't need anyone.  (liar)  I'm fine.  (ha)

Ok, i lied.  I need him.  I miss him.  I can't stand not being with him.  I don't know when that happened.  A month ago i left for a weekend without him and was fine, i mean i thought about him but meh, it wasn't a big deal.  Granted 3 days versus thirty is a big difference but what the hell is wrong with me.  I can't stop crying everytime i think about him.  Is it just my usual conniption?  That everytime i say goodbye i think it's the last.  Am i afraid that since we have no idea how to be apart and still have a relationship, that we promised not to call because we both hate the phone ( which i dont really, i mean i do- i'm not a fan, i probably won't call you, ever, if i dont have to but i really want to talk to him no matter what the method.  I want to hear his voice.  It's like that song, i forget what it's called, but it goes "and i hate the phone, but i wish you'd call"- o yea, it's "the fear you won't fall" by joshua radin.  Good song btw)

...insert pause of about 3 more hours...

So just spent my night pow-wowing with the boys- o how i love them, or rather that i'm one of them.  They can almost always cheer me up and they have absolutely no idea that a second before they showed up i probably couldn't have forced myself to smile.  They're amazing guys, all of them.  Ninja always amazes me, he plays himself off as such a souless bastard and a scary motherfucka-which he is, but he definitely has that other side, the one that you can tell makes for a great boyfriend and whoever gets him will be one lucky girl.  Then there's justin- horny bastard-yes, absolutely.  but so sweet, such a cuddler, he just needs to find himself a little kinky nerdy chick haha 

...he just texted me...

god i miss him, i love the boys dearly but they'll never be him, he's not perfect- not in the least, he drives me nuts sometimes, he can be so clueless and selfish at times but then again so can i and god do i love him...it's gonna be a long break