to infinity and beyond

He's back. I can't convert my thoughts into words. I don't really think much anymore. I kind of avoid feeling too. I haven't had a good cry in god knows how long. I'm so scared. I hate goodbyes. In less than 6 months i have to say goodbye to everyone. everyone. everything. my life. i'm already pushing people away. It's easier. I don't want to think right now, i'm looking for a distraction even as i write this I don't want to think. I don't want to know that I still love him and that I still hope that someday i'll se him again. That maybe he's the right one for me. That maybe he's back in my life for a reason. that maybe I just want to think he's back in my life for a reason. I'm having a really hard time connecting to aleks. PArtly because I know there's no real connection between us verbally unless there's an immediate issue. I wish i could talk to him the way i can talk to greg. I wish he made me feel like greg made me feel. I wish i knew what i felt. aside from bloated and gassy. sorry, sidenote. I'm a little tired of thinking about the past. That's mostly what greg and I do when we talk. There's an unresolved issue there that we just can't get past and I know exactly what it is. I think he made the wrong choice. I still wish he had picked me. I still wonder if later on in life he might pick me. Why else would he seek me out after so long if he didn't wonder that too. Maybe we just miss the intimacy. God we were close. I think. I don't even know anymore.

I suck at life right now. like really suck. I don't think i'm really "there" much for anything anymore. My mind is always somewhere else, distracting itself. I don't live in the present much is what i'm trying to say i guess. I don't want aleks to sleep over tonight. I'd rather talk to greg. fuck why is he back. why. he knows i still love him, i never stopped. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck make it go away. I dont want to hurt like that again. Does he have any idea how much that hurt, how long i cried, and now he's back. After i was finally ok with him being gone. fuck. the thing is, i know i should stop talking to him. it's only going to cause problems. amanda will find out again. he'll get angry at me. things will be bad. i'll pull away from aleks. i'm already pulling away from aleks...he doesnt know why. not even sure he's noticed. probably not.

why am i so interested in rushing through everything. i always want to get on to the next thing, even when i really like what's going on right now. I still want it to end and know what's going to happen next. I have to know what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of not knowing.

I have no idea what's going to happen with aleks and i when i graduate. he wants to spend the summer in latvia. I have no idea where i'll be or what i'll be doing. hopefully one of the bajillion places i've applied to will respond. regardless. we won't be together. we don't do not being together so well. not that we do being together that great either. i think. maybe i'm just asking for too much from a relationship. maybe i just don't know how to break down the walls and leave myself open to the relationship. i get upset a lot, scared, angry, anxious. I don't tell him. I don't really tell anyone. I feel like a burden.

Not with greg though. I never really felt like a burden to him. that was a great feeling.

I miss new orleans, that was a great memory.

I am 20 years old. I have no idea what's going to happen in my life and i have no clue who it will happen with. my problem is that i'm afraid i'll drive myself nuts long before i ever get to experience. or that i'll go through it and not realize until afterwards what happened because i did my usual distract myself thing.

I wish i could talk to aleks about all this. The thing is i'm more likely to talk to greg about it which just causes more problems because i know better than to open myself up to that again. I know better. I'm stronger. I should just say "hey, i think you're awesome and i love talking with you, but that's a problem. I would love to keep this relationship between us for the rest of my life, chatting with you and being your friend, but we can't. Amanda doesn't know. this is technically cheating and only a step or two away from repeating what happened last time. we can't do this again. it's not fair to her, it's not fair to aleks, and it's not fair to us. yes, i admit i still love you, and yes somedays i want to see you and imagine that you never left and seriously wonder if i'll ever be happy with any other guy because i never really had a chance to know if it would work out between us and will always wonder if it could've, but that's why we need to just cut it off now before things get worse, before i get even more attached...again." but will i say that? nope. I like that he's back. i miss him.

fuck.

why can't i love aleks that way. why can't i appreciate him as he is, here and now, an amazing guy who loves me. and i love him too. I'm just not as close to him as i was with greg and will be again if we keep talking.

Should i tell aleks?

Am i cheating on him?

does it matter?

I don't think he would even care if i told him. I could see it happening like this "so aleks, we need to talk. listen, greg's been texting me again, he checks in on me every once in a while, and it's hard because i still have feelings for him and i know that's not fair to you and i should just stop talking to him but i don't want to stop talking to him and i don't know what that means. I can talk to him and have a connection with him that i've never had with you and i know that's probably my fault because i won't let myself have that connection and i keep myself pretty guarded but i just don't really know what's going on and i'm sorry if i shouldn't have told you or if i should've told you sooner or if i'm just creating drama. it just sucks because he and i can talk long distance. you and i can't even talk face to face. and maybe that's just because i'm not dating him and it's the whole grass is greener on the other side thing. but what if it's not. what if it's that he's more right for me than you. does it matter? he's not mine. he's not free to have. It's wierd but when he and i talk, i think of it as cheating on his part but not so much on mine. why is that? because you won't care? because she shouldn't care? because part of me still thinks i'll end up with him and you're just an awesome college boyfriend to make me feel less lonesome? is there a future for us? i hate how nonchalant you can be about it all. I know i should be too. one day at a time. all that jazz, but i'm not so good at nonchalance. sorry."

nehoo, concert soon, ttyl byes

i'm so ready for a new routine...

i'm tired of eating myself into an oblivion every night and justifying it with exercise.

I think my stomach may be permanently distended from the amount of food i eat.

I'm fit and active and muscly and not fat, but god do i need a new routine.

6 days from moving in.

I'm back with my ex. I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope i don't make him regret it. I hope he doesn't make me regret it.

I have no idea how to maintain weight normally.

I'm not even twenty and head over heals into weight issues.

I wish my life didn't revolve around food.

I love how i feel when i exercise.

Going for runs at night is my favorite.

i miss my boyfriend. just his presence really. knowing someone else is there.

I'm excited for this year

i'm excited to move the hell out of bubblefuck PA

GET ME OUTA HERE

quick post before work

i'm gaining weight...it's really frustrating even tho it's not in the least bit suprising.  I eat four thousand calories a day, that's right. all in one sitting too.  it's disgusting.  it may all be healthy food (lean soy protein, fruit, whole wheat bread, yogurt, etc) but it's still calories.  The thing is, with as much as i exercise, i need the majority of that food.  But exercise is wearing me out.  Regardless tho, my real complaint this morning is...i have weighed 120 (give or take a pound or two) for a while, now i'm probably back up to 125 (give or take...).  At 5'5" that's still an ok weight.  And if i had weighed 130 before, i would be looking great at 125, but to go from 120 to 125 sucks.  People notice these things.  Once you set a precedent, it's hard to slide even a little bit.  Ugh.  Need to stop bingeing!

goodbye aleks

i miss you...i'm sorry i had to say goodbye but i knew i never would if i didnt...it's not because of you, i know i've complained endlessly about one thing or another but it never really was a you thing- it was just not an 'us' thing. I really want to talk to you now, like i always do when i can't, but i won't call you this time. Can you believe i was actually kind of hoping you would show up today anyways, that when i got back from work you would be on the front step, waiting for me. i was even considering leaving a note on the door while i was gone so you would know where to find me. but that's not you. that was greg. he would have come. he always came after me. until he didn't. and that hurt the worst. but you wouldn't have come. and even though you say you'll still be there when school starts and you want me to take you back...i think you'll realize that's not what you want. I'm hoping you realize something, i'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I know it was. It still hurts. You said you don't understand how i can still love you and miss you but want to break up. It's because even though i saw an unpleasant future for us, i see a beautiful one for you. goddamn. it needed to happen for a while. I just wasn't ready to be alone until now i guess. Or i guess there wasn't as much confusion. It's easier to say goodbye when you barely say hello anymore. You told me it was because it's easier to break someone's heart when you aren't looking them in the eye, but baby boy...i really don't think you love me the way you think you do. I think you just don't know love. But you will. Someday you'll meet her, the girl who really completes you, one you hear yourself laughing your true laugh with, the one you wake up for in the morning and can't wait to talk to. I'm not delusional about relationships. I know how amazing they start out, where everything is scary and exciting and you question every movement and every comment and get butterflies (a stage that lasted, what, a week? maybe two? for us..my fault, i know-i'm too impatient) and how all that eventually turns to taking them for granted, forgetting how they changed your life and only really notice how your life is now and taking out all the unpleasantness on them. I know i did that with you. I wanted you to be the answer. The one who could fix all my problems. And you did for a while. Well kinda. I'll never forget how you fought me that day and i'll always love you for it. I wish i could have always let you in the way i did then. I wish you would've let me in that way-just once. I will miss you aleks, but i had to say goodbye and even tho a part of me wishes i could text you and erase yesterday entirely-i know it was the right thing to do. So please forgive me. I really hope you're doing well and have a great summer and i really hope you find someone amazing who fits you. i love you and i'm sorry. goodbye aleks

All the things i wish i could say to you but am too afraid it would ruin things...

I could live without you.  I'm doing it right now.  I don't need you to be happy.  I meet new people every day, people who make me laugh and feel beautiful and enjoy life.  I can't appreciate all the things you do and i don't agree with a lot of your life philosophies and some days you drive me absolutely nuts.  I think we need this time apart, this summer i mean.  But the funny thing is...despite everything...we are pretty good together.  We're not perfect, but i wouldnt want us to be.  i like you the way you are.  We may have conflicting personalities and interests and i may need to learn how to deal with those better (ok, i definitely need to learn how to deal with those better) but it would be boring without the differences.  We may not be right for each other but we're definitely not wrong.  We may not have a future but i don't regret a single day of the past eight months with you, the good or bad ones.  And this may not work, but i love you so much for trying.  I feel like this is a break up when imeant it to be a proposal of a life together.

to do...

This summer, i would like to:

find the joy in summer again

figure out my life's manifesto

read a lot of books

stop saying "no" to social outings no matter what they are

keep up with my spanish

learn to have relationships long distance

take control over my room and my life

write something profound

build a swing/hammock WITH bug netting

connect with my grandparents again

figure out grad school plans 

draw/paint a landscape portrait

NOT end up in binge induced depression comas on a regular basis

learn something

make something (quilt maybe?)

...to be continued...

just when i think it's worth it...i realize it never will be.