All the things i wish i could say to you but am too afraid it would ruin things...

I could live without you.  I'm doing it right now.  I don't need you to be happy.  I meet new people every day, people who make me laugh and feel beautiful and enjoy life.  I can't appreciate all the things you do and i don't agree with a lot of your life philosophies and some days you drive me absolutely nuts.  I think we need this time apart, this summer i mean.  But the funny thing is...despite everything...we are pretty good together.  We're not perfect, but i wouldnt want us to be.  i like you the way you are.  We may have conflicting personalities and interests and i may need to learn how to deal with those better (ok, i definitely need to learn how to deal with those better) but it would be boring without the differences.  We may not be right for each other but we're definitely not wrong.  We may not have a future but i don't regret a single day of the past eight months with you, the good or bad ones.  And this may not work, but i love you so much for trying.  I feel like this is a break up when imeant it to be a proposal of a life together.

to do...

This summer, i would like to:

find the joy in summer again

figure out my life's manifesto

read a lot of books

stop saying "no" to social outings no matter what they are

keep up with my spanish

learn to have relationships long distance

take control over my room and my life

write something profound

build a swing/hammock WITH bug netting

connect with my grandparents again

figure out grad school plans 

draw/paint a landscape portrait

NOT end up in binge induced depression comas on a regular basis

learn something

make something (quilt maybe?)

...to be continued...

just when i think it's worth it...i realize it never will be.

Merecer

What do i deserve?  Why do i put so much into that one little word?  I don't deserve to eat if i don't go to the gym.  I don't deserve to live if i'm fat.  I don't deserve to have friends.  I hate my life.  I'm so tired.  I so depressed all the time.  The only times i ever feel happy are when i'm distracted from myself, aka when i'm at work or with someone or dealing with a bigger issue than my mind.  Hence why i need this job this summer because i'll go nuts if i'm stuck with nothing but my mind.  I hate my mind.  Which is ridiculous since my mind is me and i control it.  So i hate me?  probably.  most likely.  yes. 

I don't deserve to ask for things. I don't deserve to spend money.  I don't deserve to feel bad because i have nothing to feel bad about and i'm just a whiny fucking bitch.  I have everything i could possibly want or need.  Everything.  And here i am, alone, sobbing, depressed, not wanting to go home, too lazy to go to the gym, hormonally sweating from my last binge, waiting to see how long i can outlast the weight watchers ice cream in the freezer.  

I just avoided my grandparents at the grocery store.  I didn't return my dad's call.  I'm a depressed slob who didn't even do her hair or anything productive today.  And it's my fault.  I hate the tv.  I hate laziness.  I hate me.  I have no meaning.  My life is pointless.  I could make it so that it was meaningful, and i feel meaningful when i'm working or doing something, but otherwise....nope.  ice cream wins. 

I'm not pregnant.  After being three weeks late and going between moments of denial with underlying stress and moments of paranoia with very present stress, i finally got my period.  And i'm still stressed as hell.  I ate my weight in everything  in sight last night and today as well.  Summer is almost here.  Aleks is almost gone.  I skipped all my classes today.  And therapy.  I get fingerprinted tomorrow.  I don't want to go to the gym today.  I don't want to do anything.  

no adios...gracias por todo

Why is it that i have the most final of track records with friend?  I can never speak to joy or greg ever again.  We moved from canton and weren't supposed to talk to anyone and haven't (aside from joe).  Kari moved, annalise moved, and now aleks is probably going to transfer.  I was planning on breaking up with him anyways,at least two days ago...he's really been great trying to make amends in the last two days which makes my already weak will falter, and it really actually would be a good idea for him, it just sucks.  He deserves a new start.  someplace new where he doesn't feel ashamed about being kicked off the soccer team and all that crap, where he can actually play soccer which he loves to do.  Someplace he can make new friends, have a new start...really the best thing for him.  He has so much potential, he's so smart and talented, but he's stuck in a routine here.  He needs to get out and experience life and start new.  And transferring really would be the best thing.  But it still hurts.  I'm still sobbing my eyes out because i will miss him.  Even though i was planning on breaking up with him because i didn't want to be with someone who has no worth ethic and is as lazy as can be and kind of a prick at times, but i love him.  He has so many other amazing qualities.  And you know what, just between you and me, i think he might even get off his ass and do something with his life if he were to transfer, if given that opportunity.  So i know it's the right thing.  And i have to let him go because it's best for him, and for me, and for us.   But it hurts.  I get tired of saying goodbyes.  And next year will be the hardest of all because i'll have to say goodbye to all my boys and college and start all over again.  Even if we were to stay together, things were going to be rough regardless because of the fact that Aleks is a sophomore and i'm a junior and i would graduate a year before him and do god knows what.  So i can't help but think maybe he'll transfer somewhere that happens to correlate to where i'm going to be in a year but i know that's far fetched.  His mom is coming up today.  I know she will support him in transferfing, just as i do.  It all makes sense.  I think he would be happier.  I hope he would be happier.  I don't know whether or not he would still be in my life, but i'm just really glad for having known him.  As gay as that sounds.  It's been an interesting six months and i really do love him and even though this letting go will be different than the others i've had to do, i think it will be good.  I hope it's fair to say we've helped each other a lot this past year when we really needed someone, or at least he's really helped me in a lot of ways and i really love him, but i understand that you can't make things last longer than they're supposed to.  and this one seems to have run its course for now.  i'll never forget him.  if we still have a future together after this, with or without intermission, that's great, but if not...it's ok because i've learned so much and loved so much i can't even begin to explain.  I love him.  Let it be...

i need to figure out my life, pronto.