no adios...gracias por todo

Why is it that i have the most final of track records with friend?  I can never speak to joy or greg ever again.  We moved from canton and weren't supposed to talk to anyone and haven't (aside from joe).  Kari moved, annalise moved, and now aleks is probably going to transfer.  I was planning on breaking up with him anyways,at least two days ago...he's really been great trying to make amends in the last two days which makes my already weak will falter, and it really actually would be a good idea for him, it just sucks.  He deserves a new start.  someplace new where he doesn't feel ashamed about being kicked off the soccer team and all that crap, where he can actually play soccer which he loves to do.  Someplace he can make new friends, have a new start...really the best thing for him.  He has so much potential, he's so smart and talented, but he's stuck in a routine here.  He needs to get out and experience life and start new.  And transferring really would be the best thing.  But it still hurts.  I'm still sobbing my eyes out because i will miss him.  Even though i was planning on breaking up with him because i didn't want to be with someone who has no worth ethic and is as lazy as can be and kind of a prick at times, but i love him.  He has so many other amazing qualities.  And you know what, just between you and me, i think he might even get off his ass and do something with his life if he were to transfer, if given that opportunity.  So i know it's the right thing.  And i have to let him go because it's best for him, and for me, and for us.   But it hurts.  I get tired of saying goodbyes.  And next year will be the hardest of all because i'll have to say goodbye to all my boys and college and start all over again.  Even if we were to stay together, things were going to be rough regardless because of the fact that Aleks is a sophomore and i'm a junior and i would graduate a year before him and do god knows what.  So i can't help but think maybe he'll transfer somewhere that happens to correlate to where i'm going to be in a year but i know that's far fetched.  His mom is coming up today.  I know she will support him in transferfing, just as i do.  It all makes sense.  I think he would be happier.  I hope he would be happier.  I don't know whether or not he would still be in my life, but i'm just really glad for having known him.  As gay as that sounds.  It's been an interesting six months and i really do love him and even though this letting go will be different than the others i've had to do, i think it will be good.  I hope it's fair to say we've helped each other a lot this past year when we really needed someone, or at least he's really helped me in a lot of ways and i really love him, but i understand that you can't make things last longer than they're supposed to.  and this one seems to have run its course for now.  i'll never forget him.  if we still have a future together after this, with or without intermission, that's great, but if not...it's ok because i've learned so much and loved so much i can't even begin to explain.  I love him.  Let it be...

i need to figure out my life, pronto.

he asked me if i thought it would be better if we broke up over the summer last night.  He also said he'd thought about our retirement together and our kids and being married.  fuck my life.  i think we probably will break up for the summer.  it would just be easier.  i've got to learn to find myself, and he deserves to figure out what he wants.  Amanda never let greg have that.  she was too afraid to lose him if she ever let go so she clung to him and suffocated him and really just ended up pushing him away and onto other girls.  he needed to figure out what he wanted and not have an ultimatum thrown in his face (she told him that if they broke up, he would lose her forever).  i understood exactly where he was coming from with the whole cheating thing, didn't think it was right, thought he should've talked to her about it, but she was and always would be irrational about it.  she was so afraid to be alone, so afraid to lose him, he was her life, he was all she had, and she didn't trust that if she let him go and it was actually meant to be that he would come back to her.  but it ended up happening that way anyways, just with a lot more pain and deception than she anticipated.  I can see where she's coming from better now too.  I'd love to say "aleks and i will be together forever" and just have him there the rest of my life.  but i know that won't work, that's me trying to control the future and that just doesnt work out well.  so i will let him go, with a lot of angry tears and lonely nights, i will let him go.  if i am what he wants then let him choose me, if we are what is right to be then let it happen that way, and if i'm not and we aren't- then god help me to let go and love again.  fuck, but i do love him.  I have almost three months til then.  i have to try not to win him over in these three months and just let be what be.  and i really have GOT to stop thinking so much

Confessions of a forgotten valentine

So, i finally have a boyfriend for valentines day.  Funny thing is, it's no different than not having a boyfriend for valentines day.  I mean, he's amazing, truly is, sends me those texts every once in a while that "make me fall in love with him all over again" or says something incredibly unplanned and romantically brilliant that you think hallmark will be calling him for inspiration on their latest romance cards and then of course there's those times when he's cuddly and kissy and playful and hilarious and the times when he's serious and deep and perfect.  But then there's the other times, when all he wants to do is play video games or computer games.  I mean i get it, that's what he likes to do and it's not something he can get arrested for or another woman so i'm all for it but at the same time, it annoys me a bit.  not that he plays, that's cool.  Just that he plays all the time.  I know we're in different mind sets a lot of the time, me-ready to grow up too fast (like always), working weekends and nights, doing homework, exercising, choir, basically keeping really busy and trying to keep my head above water but usually drowning in a mass of tears because let's face it...i'm not stable, and as much as i like to think i'm grown up and can handle everything- i'm 19 and i can't.  and him-lazy (self proclaimed), wanting to draw out his youth as long as he can, pushing the majority of things that might cause him stress out of his mind or just not letting them bother him (unless i go crazy and don't make that an option for him), etc etc etc.  I get it, he's a sophomore in college, he's doing well academically, that's all he really needs to be doing right now.  I'm a junior, i graduate next year, life is smacking me in the face and i'm sticking my head out as far as i can so it gets a good shot.  I get tired of it all but i don't know how to deal or if i should or what or who or when or where blah blah blah.  

I'm scared of what happens this summer.  I want to be with him, but i'm starting to think that's not gonna happen.  If, and that is a huge if, he would stay here and not move back to baltimore for the summer, i really don't think it would work.  A) he probably wouldn't get a job and contribute to the rent which would drive me nuts, B) i don't think we're ready to live together for an entire summer, just the two of us, and C) yea, just no.  so, he does move back to baltimore and i cry myself silly for weeks missing him, wondering whether or not he ever thinks about me, what he's doing, who he's with, when it will all end.  Visit him a couple of times, when i don't work, live for those moments together then come back to depression and loneliness and work.  ay carumba, that doesnt sound so good either.  fuck monkeys, but breaking up won't solve any problems either.  maybe for him, but for me...i'll still miss him and wonder and cry and be alone, just even more so.  But even beyond this summer, what about after i graduate?  He still has another year in college and i have no idea what i'll be doing.  What then?  god i think too much, i shouldnt be thinking about shit like that, but how can i not when he talks about our future together?! oysh, i'm stressed, valentines day sucks, can i just disappear now?

i talk too much

My fears (rational and not so):

If I don't go to the gym today, i'll stop going all together and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If I stop in the middle of my workout i won't be able to start up again and will become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If i say what's really bothering me to the person it involves, i will lose them.

If i eat one, i'll eat all of them.  It's easier not to eat than to limit myself.

If i don't go to the gym, i'll eat and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

Everyone will leave and you will be alone so leave them first.  You're better off alone by choice than left.

Not being able to sleep.

Losing control.

Going completely crazy for good.

Being a horrible mother.

Being alone.

Not knowing what's going to happen...

The boys brought up a good point the other day...i have no one other than them.  They are my world, and not so much them anymore even...more just aleks.  I don't talk to gretch or kelly or any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year anymore or highschool or homeschooling or church or canton or girl scouts or dance or anything.  All i have is what i have now, and i'm already pushing them away because i know in a year they'll all be gone.  I'll graduate and i'll never see them again and they'll be added to that long list of goodbyes i never actually said but took to heart as a personal failure.  I suppose it's somewhat normal to not be in contact with people from the past, i mean yes some people are friends with the same people since they were in kindergarten and some people aren't, all that matters is whether or not you're good at making new friends.  I'm always afraid of being alone, i hate losing friends even tho that's all i've ever known.  But i forget, just because i don't have the same friends, doesn't mean that i am alone.  There is an endless amount of people in this world, i can meet a friend any day, every day, anywhere anytime.  It's just that every time i lose one, it gets harder to invest myself in a new one.  I become skeptical, reserved, wondering when this one will end like all the others.  Because they all do, don't they.  Every good thing must come to an end.  But if god closes a door he opens a window.  gah too many metaphors.  

Aleks has made several comments to the effect of our living together this summer or getting engaged etc.  I blow it off.  I don't know what to say.  Of course i want to live with him, of course i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he's the best thing that could happen to me and i love him so very much and i wish there was a way i could show him that that didn't involve buying him something because that just gets taxing on me and my wallet and has become more of a routine than a special act of significant meaning to him.  I just got a new job that i start this saturday and he's already saying things like "so you can buy me things." no.  no sir.  i love you, and i would give the world to you if i could but don't you know that's figurative, i don't actually have the world to give to you so don't ask? idk.  i would marry him, i think.  i don't know.  i think it would fail.  i think i would let it fail.  we're too young to even be thinking about anything beyond tomorrow.  It scares me how close we are sometimes.  Like we're peaking too early- a chronic problem i tend to have in my relationships.  which is why sometimes, as much as i would love to live with him this summer, i think it would be best if we didn't, give us space and time to decide if this is really what we want.  I'll be a senior next year and then i'll graduate but he still has another year.  It's not fair to him to make him spend his senior year bound to a relationship we may or may not be able to maintain depending on what i do with my life.  And it wouldn't be fair to me to stick around and put my life on hold just because i graduated a year early.  Yes, i want to spend my life with him, but i would rather always have him as a friend then push for something more just because society tells us we should get married.  I'm not even sure i think monogamy is possible.  I'm not sure i believe that marriage is a good idea, at least not in the way it is presented.  I think, if i ever did get married, i would ask to write my own vows because it's the only way i'd really contemplate what the marriage means to me.  I mean, what is a marriage?  Why do rings and saying "i do" all of a sudden mean 'you're off the market.'  Nothing is stopping you from engaging in a relationship with someone else beyond your word and everyone breaks their word, it's human nature to lie.  

My legs are tired, i'm going to have to fight myself to go to the gym today.

I just want to nap.

I have all day tomorrow to go to the gym.

Will i drive myself crazy if i don't go tonight?

I went to a counselor yesterday.  Once he actually understands what i'm trying to tell him i think he might be able to help, but regardless of whether or not he will be successful, i think it will be good to have me time that i can just vent at a neutral third party and not feel guilty.

What would my wedding vow say?

I never believed in marriage, i always questioned whether it was possible or rational to ask any two people to give up their rights to intimacy, physical and emotional, with the rest of the world before they had a chance to discover it.  I wondered whether it was selfish, whether it was just the 'thing to do'.  Economics and alliance fueled the marriages of centuries past.  Societal expectations enforced those of decades past.  The increasing possibility of an easy out, aka divorce, and ignorance of what marriage actually entails and keeping with tradition is the only thing keeping the institution alive these days.  I don't want that.  It's a cute sentiment to marry your best friend but unless you're one of the lucky few, i'm sure your best friend has changed throughout the years so how can you expect it to all of a sudden stick after a ceremony with a white dress and priest?  All i can promise you is that i love you, that i will give you my life openly and willingly for as long as you'll have me and i will never have what i have with you with anyone else.  I'm not saying i can promise that i'll never think about straying and i can't promise you that things between us won't change, but i will always come back to you and i will always appreciate what we once had and what we will always have - a past full of memories, a present of the comfort of knowing someone is there and that someone is you, and a future of uncertainty to face with that knowledge and those memories to make it all worthwhile.  I love you, i choose you, you know me inside and out and you haven't run away screaming, that means more to me than any "i do" ever could.  So, I, (name) take you (name) from this day forward to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.

gah...

Luchar

I'm realizing that my extremism will always get me into trouble.  I'm beginning my final quest to get rid of that which plagues me once and for all, fighting it with the aid of a new counselor and an amazing boyfriend and an attitude of readiness- if that makes sense.  But now i find myself tackling not only my own mind but trying to fight that of others.  I've been addicted to looking at other people's blogs about diet and weight loss since i first got my account, but it wasnt until a couple of days ago that i found the pro-ana sites.  uhoh.  Bad plan.  Nothing good can come from that.  I found myself pitying those girls.  I can see the crazy in them that i overlook in myself or rather categorize differently.  They refer to her as Ana as well.  Sometimes i swear she really is a demon, just like there's michael the angel there's Ana the demon and she preys on any and all who are weak enough to be initially susceptible to her.  anyhoo, so yea, i was reading one post that i related to quite well and got a bit angry at someone's "supportive" comment aka another ana victim endorsing the insanity.  Ana feeds off other anas.  I hate being around other anorexics or ex anorexics or anyone who has ever known ana, it drives me insane...we are immediately in competition with each other without even uttering a word, and we hate each other and love each other and want to manipulate the other all at the same time.  It's insanity.  It's kind of like misery loves company except it's more of a psychoticness slippery slope thing.  but yea, i commented on her note, all the while thinking: o shit chelle, if she writes back you're screwed, it'll drive you nuts, you can't save the world from ana, you haven't even gotten rid of her yourself yet.  sooo today i went back and deleted the comment, hopefully all will go unnoticed and i'll never hear from them, but i liked what i wrote, because it was almost  like i was writing it to myself so i copied it before i deleted it and here it is, just a reminder to myself:

"you people are insane.  don't you get it. Ana is not your friend, she never was, she never will be, she will never be satisfied by anything you do, ever.  you think you are nothing without her when really, she's nothing without you, she's just a master manipulator.  you are not strong.  you are weak.  only when you see that she will kill you and you stop fighting people who really love you and stop fighting yourself for accepting you as you are- then you are strong.  ten day fast? yes you can do it.  and congratulations when/if you do.  but did it make it all better? do you feel better now? is the world a better place for not having eaten in ten days? are you a better person? no, you are exhausted, and hungry, and stressed, and i'll bet a little bit psychotic from the mix.  i've been there. done it. good luck hating yourself for the rest of your life, thinking about nothing but food and calories and exercise and how you aren't worth anything unless you are thin.  sounds exciting doesn't it.  i can't believe you have a support group for this. and all it's all just Ana. just measly, pathetic, parasitic ana."

I've been to the gym twice since i swore it off- so much for giving it up huh? (for the record, i just said that to make myself feel better or at least feel like people won't think i'm lazy...)

I've had a million anxiety attacks since then and one major psychosis moment

I'm trying to figure out why

and when

and make them stop

or something

Things i fear/things that throw me into an anxiety attack:

-not being able to sleep (aka restlessness/insomnia/etc)-happens more often when i sleep with him (can't sleep with someone when i'm anxious- makes me really angry)

-someone catches me in the middle of a binge (embarrassing)

-someone makes a comment about going to the gym (competitive)

-someone makes a comparison between my gym/eating habits and an overweight person (if i do what they do and they're fat than i'll be fat)

-being fat/having no friends

-someone touches me when i feel fat 

...fat, food, perfection...it rules my life

reality check::

-i love my boyfriend, i can sleep just as well with him as alone some nights-what's the difference? (caffeine? gym? food? hypo/erglycemia?)

-i probably should be caught in the middle of binges just to remind me what i'm doing and not let me eat mindlessly because i'll just hate myself for it later

-Going to the gym should be me time, my body will tell me how long to go and when enough is enough, i don't have to go longer than everyone else there

-just because i have one habit in common with a larger person does not mean that i will become like them (or maybe that particular habit is not a good one to have, in that case-change it)

-i have not been fat in years, i am surrounded by friends

-i am my own worst enemy

sidenote:period is a week late...hoping my calculation is off? negative pregnancy tests.  stress? hope it's not amenorrhea again :-/