I've been to the gym twice since i swore it off- so much for giving it up huh? (for the record, i just said that to make myself feel better or at least feel like people won't think i'm lazy...)

I've had a million anxiety attacks since then and one major psychosis moment

I'm trying to figure out why

and when

and make them stop

or something

Things i fear/things that throw me into an anxiety attack:

-not being able to sleep (aka restlessness/insomnia/etc)-happens more often when i sleep with him (can't sleep with someone when i'm anxious- makes me really angry)

-someone catches me in the middle of a binge (embarrassing)

-someone makes a comment about going to the gym (competitive)

-someone makes a comparison between my gym/eating habits and an overweight person (if i do what they do and they're fat than i'll be fat)

-being fat/having no friends

-someone touches me when i feel fat 

...fat, food, perfection...it rules my life

reality check::

-i love my boyfriend, i can sleep just as well with him as alone some nights-what's the difference? (caffeine? gym? food? hypo/erglycemia?)

-i probably should be caught in the middle of binges just to remind me what i'm doing and not let me eat mindlessly because i'll just hate myself for it later

-Going to the gym should be me time, my body will tell me how long to go and when enough is enough, i don't have to go longer than everyone else there

-just because i have one habit in common with a larger person does not mean that i will become like them (or maybe that particular habit is not a good one to have, in that case-change it)

-i have not been fat in years, i am surrounded by friends

-i am my own worst enemy

sidenote:period is a week late...hoping my calculation is off? negative pregnancy tests.  stress? hope it's not amenorrhea again :-/