He finally said it...the words I've been dreading since we first started dating, Fuck the words I've dreaded forever...I'm finally too much. He can't take it anymore. It's not him, it's me. All of our problems. It's me. And it is. I am and have been such a depressed person all of my life with few shining intervals of happiness. Now i'm going to lose him, I think i already have. He can't stand watching me do this to myself every night...my lack of self confidence is a turn off....I knew this was coming. I've always known - In the end, what would tear us apart would be me. I tear everything good apart. Maybe it would just be better to give up. Give myself nothing to tear. Just live on my own with my meager salary and food and give up on people and life and happiness. I can't seem to find it so maybe I should just stop pretending that I look. I don't even know what I can do to change...start taking pills again? Therapy? Move to South America? I don't want to go to work tomorrow but is that a good choice or a bad choice? I don't have any answers. I just can't believe this is finally happening. Now after all the battles. After every time I've almost left him, all the fights I've picked, everything...here I am. The exact place I always wanted to avoid.

The extra sad part is, when he left for a walk, my first thought was to talk to Greg. or maybe it was I needed to talk to someone and he seems to be the only one I talk to these days. I've completely cut everyone else out of my life.

I try to pretend that I'm so angry at the people in my life that hurt me and that their stupid actions are why we're no longer friends, but that's not true. It's me. It's always fucking me. A part of me is glad Greg chose Amanda because truth be told, we're both depressed people and two depressed sure as hell does not equal a happy. I would've driven him away.

Truth be told, Aleks is right for me. But i'm not right for him. I hate that i'm such a burden, that i'm no fun to be with. I hate me.

I hate that I want to call my parents right now but I won't because I've been their burden for far too long. I kind've passed myself off from them to Aleks. And now Aleks has finally had enough. Two and half years later, he made it two and a half years. But things have been getting progressively worse. Aleks can't make me happy, it's not his job to.

I have no idea how to change. I dream of just picking up and moving to Spain or South America and taking myself away from anything and everything that i've clung to as part of my devastating life...the gym, grocery stores, all my little comforts. But is that the right thing? Is that the brave thing? Or is that being a coward? Would I be able to find happiness somewhere else? Can I ever find it? Am I capable of happiness?

I want to chase after him. But what could I say. I would just be a crying blubbering fool. Another proof of my complete incompetence as a human.

What do you do when you've finally reached the end?

I want to skip work tomorrow. Spend three hours in the gym. and then drive to the ocean.

I want to chase after him and beg him not to leave me.

Should I go with him wherever he goes? Would that prove anything? Would that change anything? Or should I go off on my own. I don't think I should stay. I'm not going to be able to break this on my own. But I need a complete break from my life, all things that cause me to cling to my dark chasm of abysmalness.

I want him to come back now. I need to know that he'll come back. That's I still have a chance. That he hasn't left me completely. But what would that prove. He's tired of hearing I'm sorry. I can't blame him. It must mean absolutely nothing now, as many times as I say it.

But I really really do mean it.

I need him. I actually really do need him. I don't need my routine. I don't need to prove anything to anyone about being responsible. I don't need to be supermodel thin. I just need him. I need to find him. I have to tell him.

Status update

Current age: 21 - finally legal - i've been to the bar 3 times since legalhood - turning that magic age sure didn't help me with any of my problems like i thought it might

Current employment - Employed full time as a front desk associate at a Marriott hotel - enjoy the job - hate people. no, not hate the people. I love my boss and the housekeepers and girls in laundry and everyone who works there. and no, "people" doesn't mean guests. it just means I hate that people in general tend to take out their frustrations on the wrong person or even have frustrations at all about things that would and could only frustrate a spoiled American. Tell me something, do you think someone from a third world country would even consider getting upset over the fact that they were not automatically upgraded to the suite just because it was available? Do you think they would throw key cards at you or report you to customer care because of some silly error which is bound to happen because we are human after all.

Current relationship - Living with boyfriend in a studio apartment, most amazing boyfriend ever, scared to call him soul mate. scared to think about relationships. afraid of losing him. afraid of future.

Current weight- 132, assuming, probably more. still go to gym everyday. take frustrations of work and life out on food.

Current mental health - at this moment, not awful. usually pretty volatile. no closer to sanity than the majority of my life. hoping to someday find that equilibrium of happy/sad/normal human emotions and sanity. hoping to someday not hate myself.

Current friendships - avoiding all. blaming it on weight and feeling uncomfortable with ppl seeing me. really just unable to deal with emotions. as always.

I graduate college in less than three weeks.

I will leave with no friends to call...

I don't have a plan for my future

and I hate when people make encouraging excuses for you when you tell them you have no idea what you're doing with your life

I'm alone almost all of the time

mostly because I choose to be

My philosophy has always been to run away before i'm left

but perhaps running a year premature was not such a great plan

then again...running in the figurative sense never is

I want to marry my boyfriend

he wants to marry me

I don't know if we will still be together in a year.

I miss all the people who have been in my life.

I hate you for leaving me now.

I am my own worst enemy.

I need a change of pace.

I need a dose of courage.

I need to be freakin' 21 so I can go to a bar and get drunk.

But how do you escape yourself?

I have no idea.

If/When I do this program in Spain,

I can NOT, I repeat, canNOT play it safe.

Playing it safe has ruined my life.

No one can hurt you if you don't let them near.

Then you have no one to blame but yourself.

And you're used to that.

I don't know why i'm writing in poetry form.

I don't know why I'm writing at all.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I used to be so close to so many people.

My roomate and I freshman year were inseparable.

My best friend and I in highschool were ridiculously close.

I was once the center of attention for the boys.

Now i'm no one.

I need to re-invent myself.

I need to be with people.

I need to give them a chance.

I need to give myself a chance.

I need to learn how to form a sentence without "I" in it...

After all..."I" is the problem.

...sigh

I'm scared to graduate. Ok that's not really it, I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of goodbyes. I know people come in and out of your life all the time and that's normal but i suck at normal. I'm not normal and I can't seem to do normal. I have no idea what i'm going to do after college. I have no idea how i'm going to make it until then except for one day at a time and these past couple days have been not so good.

I didn't go to the gym monday. I didn't go to the gym today. I probably can't go on saturday. I suck.

I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time, and making life decisions that make me feel even lonelier.

The Ins and Outs of disordered eating

What I've learned about food, health, and myself after seven years of trying it all.

-Dinner and a movie should be separate activities (Tv and food don't mix)

-There's no such thing as a healthy binge

-Fat is not the enemy

-Listen to your body, it knows better than you

-Sometimes, a walk is all you need

-Don't compare

-Calories don't count

-Back to the basics

-Superfoods

to infinity and beyond

He's back. I can't convert my thoughts into words. I don't really think much anymore. I kind of avoid feeling too. I haven't had a good cry in god knows how long. I'm so scared. I hate goodbyes. In less than 6 months i have to say goodbye to everyone. everyone. everything. my life. i'm already pushing people away. It's easier. I don't want to think right now, i'm looking for a distraction even as i write this I don't want to think. I don't want to know that I still love him and that I still hope that someday i'll se him again. That maybe he's the right one for me. That maybe he's back in my life for a reason. that maybe I just want to think he's back in my life for a reason. I'm having a really hard time connecting to aleks. PArtly because I know there's no real connection between us verbally unless there's an immediate issue. I wish i could talk to him the way i can talk to greg. I wish he made me feel like greg made me feel. I wish i knew what i felt. aside from bloated and gassy. sorry, sidenote. I'm a little tired of thinking about the past. That's mostly what greg and I do when we talk. There's an unresolved issue there that we just can't get past and I know exactly what it is. I think he made the wrong choice. I still wish he had picked me. I still wonder if later on in life he might pick me. Why else would he seek me out after so long if he didn't wonder that too. Maybe we just miss the intimacy. God we were close. I think. I don't even know anymore.

I suck at life right now. like really suck. I don't think i'm really "there" much for anything anymore. My mind is always somewhere else, distracting itself. I don't live in the present much is what i'm trying to say i guess. I don't want aleks to sleep over tonight. I'd rather talk to greg. fuck why is he back. why. he knows i still love him, i never stopped. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck make it go away. I dont want to hurt like that again. Does he have any idea how much that hurt, how long i cried, and now he's back. After i was finally ok with him being gone. fuck. the thing is, i know i should stop talking to him. it's only going to cause problems. amanda will find out again. he'll get angry at me. things will be bad. i'll pull away from aleks. i'm already pulling away from aleks...he doesnt know why. not even sure he's noticed. probably not.

why am i so interested in rushing through everything. i always want to get on to the next thing, even when i really like what's going on right now. I still want it to end and know what's going to happen next. I have to know what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of not knowing.

I have no idea what's going to happen with aleks and i when i graduate. he wants to spend the summer in latvia. I have no idea where i'll be or what i'll be doing. hopefully one of the bajillion places i've applied to will respond. regardless. we won't be together. we don't do not being together so well. not that we do being together that great either. i think. maybe i'm just asking for too much from a relationship. maybe i just don't know how to break down the walls and leave myself open to the relationship. i get upset a lot, scared, angry, anxious. I don't tell him. I don't really tell anyone. I feel like a burden.

Not with greg though. I never really felt like a burden to him. that was a great feeling.

I miss new orleans, that was a great memory.

I am 20 years old. I have no idea what's going to happen in my life and i have no clue who it will happen with. my problem is that i'm afraid i'll drive myself nuts long before i ever get to experience. or that i'll go through it and not realize until afterwards what happened because i did my usual distract myself thing.

I wish i could talk to aleks about all this. The thing is i'm more likely to talk to greg about it which just causes more problems because i know better than to open myself up to that again. I know better. I'm stronger. I should just say "hey, i think you're awesome and i love talking with you, but that's a problem. I would love to keep this relationship between us for the rest of my life, chatting with you and being your friend, but we can't. Amanda doesn't know. this is technically cheating and only a step or two away from repeating what happened last time. we can't do this again. it's not fair to her, it's not fair to aleks, and it's not fair to us. yes, i admit i still love you, and yes somedays i want to see you and imagine that you never left and seriously wonder if i'll ever be happy with any other guy because i never really had a chance to know if it would work out between us and will always wonder if it could've, but that's why we need to just cut it off now before things get worse, before i get even more attached...again." but will i say that? nope. I like that he's back. i miss him.

fuck.

why can't i love aleks that way. why can't i appreciate him as he is, here and now, an amazing guy who loves me. and i love him too. I'm just not as close to him as i was with greg and will be again if we keep talking.

Should i tell aleks?

Am i cheating on him?

does it matter?

I don't think he would even care if i told him. I could see it happening like this "so aleks, we need to talk. listen, greg's been texting me again, he checks in on me every once in a while, and it's hard because i still have feelings for him and i know that's not fair to you and i should just stop talking to him but i don't want to stop talking to him and i don't know what that means. I can talk to him and have a connection with him that i've never had with you and i know that's probably my fault because i won't let myself have that connection and i keep myself pretty guarded but i just don't really know what's going on and i'm sorry if i shouldn't have told you or if i should've told you sooner or if i'm just creating drama. it just sucks because he and i can talk long distance. you and i can't even talk face to face. and maybe that's just because i'm not dating him and it's the whole grass is greener on the other side thing. but what if it's not. what if it's that he's more right for me than you. does it matter? he's not mine. he's not free to have. It's wierd but when he and i talk, i think of it as cheating on his part but not so much on mine. why is that? because you won't care? because she shouldn't care? because part of me still thinks i'll end up with him and you're just an awesome college boyfriend to make me feel less lonesome? is there a future for us? i hate how nonchalant you can be about it all. I know i should be too. one day at a time. all that jazz, but i'm not so good at nonchalance. sorry."

nehoo, concert soon, ttyl byes

i'm so ready for a new routine...

i'm tired of eating myself into an oblivion every night and justifying it with exercise.

I think my stomach may be permanently distended from the amount of food i eat.

I'm fit and active and muscly and not fat, but god do i need a new routine.

6 days from moving in.

I'm back with my ex. I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope i don't make him regret it. I hope he doesn't make me regret it.

I have no idea how to maintain weight normally.

I'm not even twenty and head over heals into weight issues.

I wish my life didn't revolve around food.

I love how i feel when i exercise.

Going for runs at night is my favorite.

i miss my boyfriend. just his presence really. knowing someone else is there.

I'm excited for this year

i'm excited to move the hell out of bubblefuck PA

GET ME OUTA HERE