to infinity and beyond

He's back. I can't convert my thoughts into words. I don't really think much anymore. I kind of avoid feeling too. I haven't had a good cry in god knows how long. I'm so scared. I hate goodbyes. In less than 6 months i have to say goodbye to everyone. everyone. everything. my life. i'm already pushing people away. It's easier. I don't want to think right now, i'm looking for a distraction even as i write this I don't want to think. I don't want to know that I still love him and that I still hope that someday i'll se him again. That maybe he's the right one for me. That maybe he's back in my life for a reason. that maybe I just want to think he's back in my life for a reason. I'm having a really hard time connecting to aleks. PArtly because I know there's no real connection between us verbally unless there's an immediate issue. I wish i could talk to him the way i can talk to greg. I wish he made me feel like greg made me feel. I wish i knew what i felt. aside from bloated and gassy. sorry, sidenote. I'm a little tired of thinking about the past. That's mostly what greg and I do when we talk. There's an unresolved issue there that we just can't get past and I know exactly what it is. I think he made the wrong choice. I still wish he had picked me. I still wonder if later on in life he might pick me. Why else would he seek me out after so long if he didn't wonder that too. Maybe we just miss the intimacy. God we were close. I think. I don't even know anymore.

I suck at life right now. like really suck. I don't think i'm really "there" much for anything anymore. My mind is always somewhere else, distracting itself. I don't live in the present much is what i'm trying to say i guess. I don't want aleks to sleep over tonight. I'd rather talk to greg. fuck why is he back. why. he knows i still love him, i never stopped. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck make it go away. I dont want to hurt like that again. Does he have any idea how much that hurt, how long i cried, and now he's back. After i was finally ok with him being gone. fuck. the thing is, i know i should stop talking to him. it's only going to cause problems. amanda will find out again. he'll get angry at me. things will be bad. i'll pull away from aleks. i'm already pulling away from aleks...he doesnt know why. not even sure he's noticed. probably not.

why am i so interested in rushing through everything. i always want to get on to the next thing, even when i really like what's going on right now. I still want it to end and know what's going to happen next. I have to know what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of not knowing.

I have no idea what's going to happen with aleks and i when i graduate. he wants to spend the summer in latvia. I have no idea where i'll be or what i'll be doing. hopefully one of the bajillion places i've applied to will respond. regardless. we won't be together. we don't do not being together so well. not that we do being together that great either. i think. maybe i'm just asking for too much from a relationship. maybe i just don't know how to break down the walls and leave myself open to the relationship. i get upset a lot, scared, angry, anxious. I don't tell him. I don't really tell anyone. I feel like a burden.

Not with greg though. I never really felt like a burden to him. that was a great feeling.

I miss new orleans, that was a great memory.

I am 20 years old. I have no idea what's going to happen in my life and i have no clue who it will happen with. my problem is that i'm afraid i'll drive myself nuts long before i ever get to experience. or that i'll go through it and not realize until afterwards what happened because i did my usual distract myself thing.

I wish i could talk to aleks about all this. The thing is i'm more likely to talk to greg about it which just causes more problems because i know better than to open myself up to that again. I know better. I'm stronger. I should just say "hey, i think you're awesome and i love talking with you, but that's a problem. I would love to keep this relationship between us for the rest of my life, chatting with you and being your friend, but we can't. Amanda doesn't know. this is technically cheating and only a step or two away from repeating what happened last time. we can't do this again. it's not fair to her, it's not fair to aleks, and it's not fair to us. yes, i admit i still love you, and yes somedays i want to see you and imagine that you never left and seriously wonder if i'll ever be happy with any other guy because i never really had a chance to know if it would work out between us and will always wonder if it could've, but that's why we need to just cut it off now before things get worse, before i get even more attached...again." but will i say that? nope. I like that he's back. i miss him.

fuck.

why can't i love aleks that way. why can't i appreciate him as he is, here and now, an amazing guy who loves me. and i love him too. I'm just not as close to him as i was with greg and will be again if we keep talking.

Should i tell aleks?

Am i cheating on him?

does it matter?

I don't think he would even care if i told him. I could see it happening like this "so aleks, we need to talk. listen, greg's been texting me again, he checks in on me every once in a while, and it's hard because i still have feelings for him and i know that's not fair to you and i should just stop talking to him but i don't want to stop talking to him and i don't know what that means. I can talk to him and have a connection with him that i've never had with you and i know that's probably my fault because i won't let myself have that connection and i keep myself pretty guarded but i just don't really know what's going on and i'm sorry if i shouldn't have told you or if i should've told you sooner or if i'm just creating drama. it just sucks because he and i can talk long distance. you and i can't even talk face to face. and maybe that's just because i'm not dating him and it's the whole grass is greener on the other side thing. but what if it's not. what if it's that he's more right for me than you. does it matter? he's not mine. he's not free to have. It's wierd but when he and i talk, i think of it as cheating on his part but not so much on mine. why is that? because you won't care? because she shouldn't care? because part of me still thinks i'll end up with him and you're just an awesome college boyfriend to make me feel less lonesome? is there a future for us? i hate how nonchalant you can be about it all. I know i should be too. one day at a time. all that jazz, but i'm not so good at nonchalance. sorry."

nehoo, concert soon, ttyl byes