Merecer

What do i deserve?  Why do i put so much into that one little word?  I don't deserve to eat if i don't go to the gym.  I don't deserve to live if i'm fat.  I don't deserve to have friends.  I hate my life.  I'm so tired.  I so depressed all the time.  The only times i ever feel happy are when i'm distracted from myself, aka when i'm at work or with someone or dealing with a bigger issue than my mind.  Hence why i need this job this summer because i'll go nuts if i'm stuck with nothing but my mind.  I hate my mind.  Which is ridiculous since my mind is me and i control it.  So i hate me?  probably.  most likely.  yes. 

I don't deserve to ask for things. I don't deserve to spend money.  I don't deserve to feel bad because i have nothing to feel bad about and i'm just a whiny fucking bitch.  I have everything i could possibly want or need.  Everything.  And here i am, alone, sobbing, depressed, not wanting to go home, too lazy to go to the gym, hormonally sweating from my last binge, waiting to see how long i can outlast the weight watchers ice cream in the freezer.  

I just avoided my grandparents at the grocery store.  I didn't return my dad's call.  I'm a depressed slob who didn't even do her hair or anything productive today.  And it's my fault.  I hate the tv.  I hate laziness.  I hate me.  I have no meaning.  My life is pointless.  I could make it so that it was meaningful, and i feel meaningful when i'm working or doing something, but otherwise....nope.  ice cream wins.