rawr

I'm going crazy.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I don't know how to be, i don't know where to run, i'm out, i'm through, i'm done.  Nothing comforts me anymore, not the gym, not him, not people, i can't even fight off my own mind.  i just want it to be over, please god i'm so tired. i can't put on this act anymore.  I can't fight myself for the rest of my life.  How are they happy? i don't understand.  I don't think i've known happy, truly happy, contentedness for the majority of my life and i don't remember sanity at all.  i hate my mind.

i wish i could fix him.  i wish i could help him.  i wish i knew what to say to him.  i wish i could be myself with him like i am with the others but i'm so scared to lose him i hold back.  he couldn't possibly love me.  or even if he did, it would be only be for a little while, and that might be worse because i really can't take being left again.  anymore.  ever.  fuck.  

everytime someone walks by the door i can stop myself from crying and get ready to put on the face that says "i'm fine, i just took a shower/went to the gym, that's why my face looks red and blotchy-i couldn't possibly be crying, i'm michelle, i'm crazy but the good kind."  yes, i'm crying, i always cry because i'm michelle, and i'm crazy-not the good kind. uggh fuck my life, i keep hoping for some terminal illness, that maybe then the knowledge of my impending death would give reason to my insanity and take away the stress of "god, i have to keep this up for how long??" and finally free me.  maybe the fact that i routinely shit blood means i have cancer or maybe because my heart (physical) hurts more often now is a sign of serious heart trouble , or maybe the migraines are side effects of a brain tumor- i'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of any of these, really honestly, i know how horrible they are and i know i would feel differently if i actually had them and knew i was going to die but right now they sound like a relief, like maybe i could finally blame everything on it, my insanity, my emotions, reasons for actually getting the hell out of here (my mind) and living, it could validate me.  validation, ugh-something i'll never have. fuuuuccckkkkkk mmyyyy liiiiiffffeeeeeee, i'm such a whiny prissy bitch, will someone just teach me a lesson already cuz i'm certainly sucking at it!