He finally said it...the words I've been dreading since we first started dating, Fuck the words I've dreaded forever...I'm finally too much. He can't take it anymore. It's not him, it's me. All of our problems. It's me. And it is. I am and have been such a depressed person all of my life with few shining intervals of happiness. Now i'm going to lose him, I think i already have. He can't stand watching me do this to myself every night...my lack of self confidence is a turn off....I knew this was coming. I've always known - In the end, what would tear us apart would be me. I tear everything good apart. Maybe it would just be better to give up. Give myself nothing to tear. Just live on my own with my meager salary and food and give up on people and life and happiness. I can't seem to find it so maybe I should just stop pretending that I look. I don't even know what I can do to change...start taking pills again? Therapy? Move to South America? I don't want to go to work tomorrow but is that a good choice or a bad choice? I don't have any answers. I just can't believe this is finally happening. Now after all the battles. After every time I've almost left him, all the fights I've picked, everything...here I am. The exact place I always wanted to avoid.

The extra sad part is, when he left for a walk, my first thought was to talk to Greg. or maybe it was I needed to talk to someone and he seems to be the only one I talk to these days. I've completely cut everyone else out of my life.

I try to pretend that I'm so angry at the people in my life that hurt me and that their stupid actions are why we're no longer friends, but that's not true. It's me. It's always fucking me. A part of me is glad Greg chose Amanda because truth be told, we're both depressed people and two depressed sure as hell does not equal a happy. I would've driven him away.

Truth be told, Aleks is right for me. But i'm not right for him. I hate that i'm such a burden, that i'm no fun to be with. I hate me.

I hate that I want to call my parents right now but I won't because I've been their burden for far too long. I kind've passed myself off from them to Aleks. And now Aleks has finally had enough. Two and half years later, he made it two and a half years. But things have been getting progressively worse. Aleks can't make me happy, it's not his job to.

I have no idea how to change. I dream of just picking up and moving to Spain or South America and taking myself away from anything and everything that i've clung to as part of my devastating life...the gym, grocery stores, all my little comforts. But is that the right thing? Is that the brave thing? Or is that being a coward? Would I be able to find happiness somewhere else? Can I ever find it? Am I capable of happiness?

I want to chase after him. But what could I say. I would just be a crying blubbering fool. Another proof of my complete incompetence as a human.

What do you do when you've finally reached the end?

I want to skip work tomorrow. Spend three hours in the gym. and then drive to the ocean.

I want to chase after him and beg him not to leave me.

Should I go with him wherever he goes? Would that prove anything? Would that change anything? Or should I go off on my own. I don't think I should stay. I'm not going to be able to break this on my own. But I need a complete break from my life, all things that cause me to cling to my dark chasm of abysmalness.

I want him to come back now. I need to know that he'll come back. That's I still have a chance. That he hasn't left me completely. But what would that prove. He's tired of hearing I'm sorry. I can't blame him. It must mean absolutely nothing now, as many times as I say it.

But I really really do mean it.

I need him. I actually really do need him. I don't need my routine. I don't need to prove anything to anyone about being responsible. I don't need to be supermodel thin. I just need him. I need to find him. I have to tell him.