"Hey there! How's life in vactionville?"
::One hour and 45 minutes later::
"Nice! Thank you"

...That's it. That's all. And this is following a full day of not hearing from him once. Granted I didn't try to contact him either. It's a game I routinely play with current love interests when contact tends to be limited - see who can hold out the longest. Too bad my opponent doesn't know he's playing, too bad I almost always end up losing regardless of the outcome :-/ There's something incredibly pathetic about one's mood being governed by the tell-tale beeps/vibrations of a mini message machine. You become a slave to your cell phone signal. Is it working? Can he get through? Did I miss a text coming in while I was texting someone else (quickly scan through the last 95 texts from your trusty friends who don't leave you hanging on a regular basis)? What if I accidentally deleted it (ha, yeaaa right)! And then when the text finally does come through...
"Nice! Thank you"
Read: Sllllaaaaaaaaaaap! I don't have any particularly positive feelings towards you. You are a commodity in my life. Please accept this role for what it is and leave me outside the realm of your foolish expectations.

Think it's safe to say it's a no-go? Think it's time to say goodbye? Wasting my time, am I. Oh yoda, I'm searching my feelings! Now where the hell is the force!

You can't miss what was never there. But damn do I miss what could've been.

Damn my anxieties, damn my second-guessing, damn my silent tongue.

Thank god for friends (P.s. Hi Gerry - yes you are the reason I'm writing on here today lol, I forgot about my blog for awhile but your email reminded me of it and it just seemed right to return and vent. Hope all is well with you!)

Meeting potential roommates tonight (err I don't want to live where they live so really I'm just going to meet them in hopes of striking up a friendship...that suddenly sounds incredibly pathetic).
Meeting another roommate possibility tomorrow (more of a chance for an actual roommating scenario with that one...maybe)
Choir Audition tonight (Won't get in, but at least it's something to do for a night. Kinda really want to get in though...)
Hopefully hanging out with Meg again this week. Thank dear baby Jesus for Meg.

K back to work I suppose.

Summer 2011

Oh hello there old friend. It's been a while hasn't it. Funny how you always draw me in every couple of months to check on you. How are things? Still holding up in the ol' cyber world? You look good. Have you lost bytes (only computer word I know haha, wish there was a better one for a pun effect)? How's the fam? Getting along any better with your spotlight hogging brother F.B.? Don't let his flashiness get you down. I've never been able to be as intimate with him as I can be with you. And actually, I generally feel a little down after visiting him, hearing all his over embellished stories of great things happening in other people's lives. Mostly because mine can't even remotely compare since I've chosen to travel through life via the path of least resistance (also known as the safest and most boring route). I'm working on it though. No big exciting outwardly noticeable changes, but little internal ones that seem to be making a difference.
I'm doing well. Mostly. Actually, I really am.
Much to your surprise (and my own a bit I suppose), I did NOT get back together with Aleks like the million and a half break up teasers before. It was the real deal. He is gone, living in San Francisco, going to grad school, being him. We still talk. Had an hour long phone convo on sunday actually. May have been the only time we've ever done that. Pretty sure it was. Re-opened the wound a bit, but better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, right? Can't help it if there are still heartstrings attached there. I just have to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything. And keep myself from hopping a plane to Cali. Yea...
My eating...is still sporadic or maybe the word is spastic, regardless - still wierd. I make sure I eat breakfast now though. Every day. Or at least most days. I eat lots of protein. Definitely try to stay away from uncontrolled fruit binges and bread and cereal and all such grainy things aside from the rice family. My staples are: Eggland's Best Eggs, Stonyfield Farms Strawberry Greek Yogurt mixed with 1 container of Chobani Fat Free Plain Greek Yogurt (31 grams of protein right there, woot), Clif Chocolate Peanut Butter Builder Bars (20 grams of protein), Kashi Frozen Meals (Sweet and Sour Chicken is my fav), shrimp with barbeque sauce, steam fresh bags of sugar snap peas, green beans, and brussel sprouts, 2 pound bag of nectarines, and a starbuck's light frappuccino (no coffee, just venti amount of skim milk and ice, and one squirt of the light base). Do I eat multiple of all that in one day...yes, yes I do but we won't discuss that.
My weight is actually ok right now. around 120-122.
I met a guy in July and lost a lot of weight really fast while I was on the high of having a crush again. I got really skinny, some scales saying 115 on mornings after days of not eating much. I lost my period though because of it. I'm back up a little bit, not crazily, but just a little more meat on the ol' bones. Hopefully that will help regulate the hormones. I wish I was skinnier, but meh...I always will. I wished I was skinnier when I was 115. Yea...
On the upside, I did seem to successfully impress boy enough that he is still around, well sorta. We're having some issues at the moment, but once again, I think they're just my issues that I superimpose on "us". He's really nice, you would like him. I just have to figure some shit out.
I've learned to meet new people though. Still get all kinds of crazy nervous about it and want to back out, but generally able to overcome that and kick my butt into going to hang out. It started when I was going nuts at my apartment one day so I decided to go pretend to be Ernest Hemingway and write in my notebook at a local bar whilst sipping on a glass of chardonnay. An old guy, ok, not as old as I told everyone to make them more comfortable with it but nehoo, came over and introduced himself to me because he was so impressed I was writing with ink instead of clip clapping away on a computer. Lame line? Maybe. He was nice. He told me all about his life, his jobs (he claimed to have been a roadie for aerosmith before they were big, was a musician himself, worked on people's yachts as a deck hand, etc etc etc) , his ex wives, his dead wife (who left him a shit ton of money and one hell of a broken heart), his current life (he moved to willypo to settle down with a girlfriend who was from here, but she ended up breaking up with him after he made the move from washington, dc, so that left him completely alone in a new hickville town that his personality and style were not really compatible with). I ended up giving him my number and we went on a couple of dinner dates after that, but I haven't really heard from him in months. He met a girl the last time I spoke with him so I hope things are going well for him :-) Thank you Mick Johns for being the first of many great people I've met in these past couple of months!
After Mick, a neighbor who was friends with my Ex and I was cordial with invited me to go to dinner with him and a few of his friends one night. I agreed even though I was, of course, half tempted to back out. And I'm so glad I went because that was the night I was unknowingly set up with new boy :-) Soooo the next month I spent most of my time with new boy and his friends. It was lovely! Then boy started drifting away a bit. Still is. I guess the "honeymoon" is over.
But anyways. Another monumental meet has been Meg :-) She posted on craigslist for a hiking buddy and I responded with information about a local woman's outdoor adventure group that I had joined (oh yea, that was another social step I made! and also went kayaking several times which was a new experience and I looooved it!) and in the midst of a few emails back and forth she revealed that she was a homeschooling mom struggling with depression and the decision to continue homeschooling her kids or put them in bishop neumann....coincidence? I think not. Since then, she and I have become rather close, texting all day long somedays lol and having good walks and talks. I love her kiddos too. It was nice to have someone open up and share themselves with me again and it's great to have her mature perspective on my life. She's my first intimate not college friend and I'm starting to feel grown up (speaking of which, I'm 22 now...yipes!).
As for college friends, I talked a lot with holly about her boy troubles and such before she left for japan but now she's literally on the other side of the world and communication is a bit difficult :-/ I miss that crazy lady. Matt and Andrew came up for a weekend and we had a blast. May have been the best weekend I've had all summer, err longer actually. I really need to keep in touch with them better.
I moved back into my apt in june and have been living solo ever since. I was all excited when I met new boy because I thought he would assume the role of what I presumed meant boyfriend, aka hanging out all the time and sleeping over, but this boy is not that kind of boyfriend at all SOOO once I came to terms with that, I decided I should start looking for a roommate. I've met one lady already and am going out to dinner tonight with her and a few other people who are a part of her social club. Totally nervous, don't want to go. Know I should go. Am going. Just blah. Stupid social anxieties. Stupid insecurities. Nehoo, this lady is nice but I think we both know we're not exaclty what the other is looking for in a roommate. I have two other meets lined up for potential roommates, one guy and the other is a house with two girls who work for reptileland lol. Pretty sure I don't want to live with either a guy or the snake that these girls have BUT I have every intention of going to meet them in hopes of making friends if nothing else.
I've discovered the "high" of meeting people. Keeps you feeling alive, connected to the world somehow, gets you out of your head. Now I just need to learn how to keep the relationships going...
Nehoo, things at work are going well too. I was promoted and given a 60 cent raise lol but I really do like it here.
See things are good. This summer was great. I grew. What more can I ask for?

1-1/2 more hours to go before I'm done at work for today.
Dinner out tonight with new people. Maybe drinks after with Colin.
Hiking tomorrow morning with Meg.
Maybe I'll see boy tomorrow night?
Church sunday (I've been church hopping on sundays which has been fun and new too) and volunteering with my mom.
Monday night program at clark chapel
Wednesday meet potential roommates
etc.

And of course Gym every day.

Alright I'm off.

Good to talk to you.

HUGS!

-Me.

3 Weeks Later...

I am single.
It turns out I don't need him. But I knew that then. It was just a moment of complete desperation I suppose. One of those, "I'm drowning so I'll grasp at anything" kind of things.
I don't want to get back together with him. I know we aren't right. But if it could stop hurting, that would be great.
I'm happier now.
Minus the moments of heartbreak.
I think i'm in the midst of my heart breaking. It just keeps cracking bit by bit whenever I am not sufficiently distracted enough to avoid thinking. I just want it to break completely so I can move on.
I'm finally completely over Greg. He cheated on his girlfriend, again, after promising that he was done with the whole infidelity thing after me. Oh and this time, it was with a guy, that he found on craigslist. Yea... It's amazing, for three years I was so wrapped up in missing him, then in the amount of time it takes to read a text - I'm over it. Kinda made me realize whatever I thought we had was just another one of his perverse ways of lashing out because he's unsatisfied in his life. Whatever. Hasta la bye bye asshole.
My emotions keep flip flopping between excited at the prospects of a new life, meeting new people, being happy, etc to getting depressed about being lonesome and not having that one person that I can call anytime, rely on all the time, hang out with all the time, etc.
It seems like I have always been on the hunt for a best friend/boyfriend/other half of self. The lesson I need to learn now is to find that other half in me. Meaning, I need to become comfortable spending time with just myself. Typically I hate being alone. My mind takes off and I go a bit crazy. Having other people around keeps me in check. I need to learn to be able to keep myself in check. To be calm alone. To entertain myself. Because only then will I be able to really make friends and not push them away because I'm over clingy or wierd.
Well, ok, I'll still be wierd, but I'm ok with that.
I haven't watched TV since I moved back in with my parents. I'm pretty proud of that even though it's not much of an accomplishment.
I'm vying for a promotion at work that I'm not qualified for and probably won't get, but whatever, can't hurt to try.
I really hate how many times I've used the word "I" in this blog.

Bottom line - moving on, hopefully moving up, and someday moving out. Yup. That's all.

He finally said it...the words I've been dreading since we first started dating, Fuck the words I've dreaded forever...I'm finally too much. He can't take it anymore. It's not him, it's me. All of our problems. It's me. And it is. I am and have been such a depressed person all of my life with few shining intervals of happiness. Now i'm going to lose him, I think i already have. He can't stand watching me do this to myself every night...my lack of self confidence is a turn off....I knew this was coming. I've always known - In the end, what would tear us apart would be me. I tear everything good apart. Maybe it would just be better to give up. Give myself nothing to tear. Just live on my own with my meager salary and food and give up on people and life and happiness. I can't seem to find it so maybe I should just stop pretending that I look. I don't even know what I can do to change...start taking pills again? Therapy? Move to South America? I don't want to go to work tomorrow but is that a good choice or a bad choice? I don't have any answers. I just can't believe this is finally happening. Now after all the battles. After every time I've almost left him, all the fights I've picked, everything...here I am. The exact place I always wanted to avoid.

The extra sad part is, when he left for a walk, my first thought was to talk to Greg. or maybe it was I needed to talk to someone and he seems to be the only one I talk to these days. I've completely cut everyone else out of my life.

I try to pretend that I'm so angry at the people in my life that hurt me and that their stupid actions are why we're no longer friends, but that's not true. It's me. It's always fucking me. A part of me is glad Greg chose Amanda because truth be told, we're both depressed people and two depressed sure as hell does not equal a happy. I would've driven him away.

Truth be told, Aleks is right for me. But i'm not right for him. I hate that i'm such a burden, that i'm no fun to be with. I hate me.

I hate that I want to call my parents right now but I won't because I've been their burden for far too long. I kind've passed myself off from them to Aleks. And now Aleks has finally had enough. Two and half years later, he made it two and a half years. But things have been getting progressively worse. Aleks can't make me happy, it's not his job to.

I have no idea how to change. I dream of just picking up and moving to Spain or South America and taking myself away from anything and everything that i've clung to as part of my devastating life...the gym, grocery stores, all my little comforts. But is that the right thing? Is that the brave thing? Or is that being a coward? Would I be able to find happiness somewhere else? Can I ever find it? Am I capable of happiness?

I want to chase after him. But what could I say. I would just be a crying blubbering fool. Another proof of my complete incompetence as a human.

What do you do when you've finally reached the end?

I want to skip work tomorrow. Spend three hours in the gym. and then drive to the ocean.

I want to chase after him and beg him not to leave me.

Should I go with him wherever he goes? Would that prove anything? Would that change anything? Or should I go off on my own. I don't think I should stay. I'm not going to be able to break this on my own. But I need a complete break from my life, all things that cause me to cling to my dark chasm of abysmalness.

I want him to come back now. I need to know that he'll come back. That's I still have a chance. That he hasn't left me completely. But what would that prove. He's tired of hearing I'm sorry. I can't blame him. It must mean absolutely nothing now, as many times as I say it.

But I really really do mean it.

I need him. I actually really do need him. I don't need my routine. I don't need to prove anything to anyone about being responsible. I don't need to be supermodel thin. I just need him. I need to find him. I have to tell him.

Status update

Current age: 21 - finally legal - i've been to the bar 3 times since legalhood - turning that magic age sure didn't help me with any of my problems like i thought it might

Current employment - Employed full time as a front desk associate at a Marriott hotel - enjoy the job - hate people. no, not hate the people. I love my boss and the housekeepers and girls in laundry and everyone who works there. and no, "people" doesn't mean guests. it just means I hate that people in general tend to take out their frustrations on the wrong person or even have frustrations at all about things that would and could only frustrate a spoiled American. Tell me something, do you think someone from a third world country would even consider getting upset over the fact that they were not automatically upgraded to the suite just because it was available? Do you think they would throw key cards at you or report you to customer care because of some silly error which is bound to happen because we are human after all.

Current relationship - Living with boyfriend in a studio apartment, most amazing boyfriend ever, scared to call him soul mate. scared to think about relationships. afraid of losing him. afraid of future.

Current weight- 132, assuming, probably more. still go to gym everyday. take frustrations of work and life out on food.

Current mental health - at this moment, not awful. usually pretty volatile. no closer to sanity than the majority of my life. hoping to someday find that equilibrium of happy/sad/normal human emotions and sanity. hoping to someday not hate myself.

Current friendships - avoiding all. blaming it on weight and feeling uncomfortable with ppl seeing me. really just unable to deal with emotions. as always.

I graduate college in less than three weeks.

I will leave with no friends to call...

I don't have a plan for my future

and I hate when people make encouraging excuses for you when you tell them you have no idea what you're doing with your life

I'm alone almost all of the time

mostly because I choose to be

My philosophy has always been to run away before i'm left

but perhaps running a year premature was not such a great plan

then again...running in the figurative sense never is

I want to marry my boyfriend

he wants to marry me

I don't know if we will still be together in a year.

I miss all the people who have been in my life.

I hate you for leaving me now.

I am my own worst enemy.

I need a change of pace.

I need a dose of courage.

I need to be freakin' 21 so I can go to a bar and get drunk.

But how do you escape yourself?

I have no idea.

If/When I do this program in Spain,

I can NOT, I repeat, canNOT play it safe.

Playing it safe has ruined my life.

No one can hurt you if you don't let them near.

Then you have no one to blame but yourself.

And you're used to that.

I don't know why i'm writing in poetry form.

I don't know why I'm writing at all.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I used to be so close to so many people.

My roomate and I freshman year were inseparable.

My best friend and I in highschool were ridiculously close.

I was once the center of attention for the boys.

Now i'm no one.

I need to re-invent myself.

I need to be with people.

I need to give them a chance.

I need to give myself a chance.

I need to learn how to form a sentence without "I" in it...

After all..."I" is the problem.

...sigh

I'm scared to graduate. Ok that's not really it, I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of goodbyes. I know people come in and out of your life all the time and that's normal but i suck at normal. I'm not normal and I can't seem to do normal. I have no idea what i'm going to do after college. I have no idea how i'm going to make it until then except for one day at a time and these past couple days have been not so good.

I didn't go to the gym monday. I didn't go to the gym today. I probably can't go on saturday. I suck.

I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time, and making life decisions that make me feel even lonelier.