Ramblings

2011-09-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

"Hey there! How's life in vactionville?"
::One hour and 45 minutes later::
"Nice! Thank you"

...That's it. That's all. And this is following a full day of not hearing from him once. Granted I didn't try to contact him either. It's a game I routinely play with current love interests when contact tends to be limited - see who can hold out the longest. Too bad my opponent doesn't know he's playing, too bad I almost always end up losing regardless of the outcome :-/ There's something incredibly pathetic about one's mood being governed by the tell-tale beeps/vibrations of a mini message machine. You become a slave to your cell phone signal. Is it working? Can he get through? Did I miss a text coming in while I was texting someone else (quickly scan through the last 95 texts from your trusty friends who don't leave you hanging on a regular basis)? What if I accidentally deleted it (ha, yeaaa right)! And then when the text finally does come through...
"Nice! Thank you"
Read: Sllllaaaaaaaaaaap! I don't have any particularly positive feelings towards you. You are a commodity in my life. Please accept this role for what it is and leave me outside the realm of your foolish expectations.

Think it's safe to say it's a no-go? Think it's time to say goodbye? Wasting my time, am I. Oh yoda, I'm searching my feelings! Now where the hell is the force!

You can't miss what was never there. But damn do I miss what could've been.

Damn my anxieties, damn my second-guessing, damn my silent tongue.

Thank god for friends (P.s. Hi Gerry - yes you are the reason I'm writing on here today lol, I forgot about my blog for awhile but your email reminded me of it and it just seemed right to return and vent. Hope all is well with you!)

Meeting potential roommates tonight (err I don't want to live where they live so really I'm just going to meet them in hopes of striking up a friendship...that suddenly sounds incredibly pathetic).
Meeting another roommate possibility tomorrow (more of a chance for an actual roommating scenario with that one...maybe)
Choir Audition tonight (Won't get in, but at least it's something to do for a night. Kinda really want to get in though...)
Hopefully hanging out with Meg again this week. Thank dear baby Jesus for Meg.

K back to work I suppose.

Summer 2011

2011-09-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Oh hello there old friend. It's been a while hasn't it. Funny how you always draw me in every couple of months to check on you. How are things? Still holding up in the ol' cyber world? You look good. Have you lost bytes (only computer word I know haha, wish there was a better one for a pun effect)? How's the fam? Getting along any better with your spotlight hogging brother F.B.? Don't let his flashiness get you down. I've never been able to be as intimate with him as I can be with you. And actually, I generally feel a little down after visiting him, hearing all his over embellished stories of great things happening in other people's lives. Mostly because mine can't even remotely compare since I've chosen to travel through life via the path of least resistance (also known as the safest and most boring route). I'm working on it though. No big exciting outwardly noticeable changes, but little internal ones that seem to be making a difference.
I'm doing well. Mostly. Actually, I really am.
Much to your surprise (and my own a bit I suppose), I did NOT get back together with Aleks like the million and a half break up teasers before. It was the real deal. He is gone, living in San Francisco, going to grad school, being him. We still talk. Had an hour long phone convo on sunday actually. May have been the only time we've ever done that. Pretty sure it was. Re-opened the wound a bit, but better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, right? Can't help it if there are still heartstrings attached there. I just have to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything. And keep myself from hopping a plane to Cali. Yea...
My eating...is still sporadic or maybe the word is spastic, regardless - still wierd. I make sure I eat breakfast now though. Every day. Or at least most days. I eat lots of protein. Definitely try to stay away from uncontrolled fruit binges and bread and cereal and all such grainy things aside from the rice family. My staples are: Eggland's Best Eggs, Stonyfield Farms Strawberry Greek Yogurt mixed with 1 container of Chobani Fat Free Plain Greek Yogurt (31 grams of protein right there, woot), Clif Chocolate Peanut Butter Builder Bars (20 grams of protein), Kashi Frozen Meals (Sweet and Sour Chicken is my fav), shrimp with barbeque sauce, steam fresh bags of sugar snap peas, green beans, and brussel sprouts, 2 pound bag of nectarines, and a starbuck's light frappuccino (no coffee, just venti amount of skim milk and ice, and one squirt of the light base). Do I eat multiple of all that in one day...yes, yes I do but we won't discuss that.
My weight is actually ok right now. around 120-122.
I met a guy in July and lost a lot of weight really fast while I was on the high of having a crush again. I got really skinny, some scales saying 115 on mornings after days of not eating much. I lost my period though because of it. I'm back up a little bit, not crazily, but just a little more meat on the ol' bones. Hopefully that will help regulate the hormones. I wish I was skinnier, but meh...I always will. I wished I was skinnier when I was 115. Yea...
On the upside, I did seem to successfully impress boy enough that he is still around, well sorta. We're having some issues at the moment, but once again, I think they're just my issues that I superimpose on "us". He's really nice, you would like him. I just have to figure some shit out.
I've learned to meet new people though. Still get all kinds of crazy nervous about it and want to back out, but generally able to overcome that and kick my butt into going to hang out. It started when I was going nuts at my apartment one day so I decided to go pretend to be Ernest Hemingway and write in my notebook at a local bar whilst sipping on a glass of chardonnay. An old guy, ok, not as old as I told everyone to make them more comfortable with it but nehoo, came over and introduced himself to me because he was so impressed I was writing with ink instead of clip clapping away on a computer. Lame line? Maybe. He was nice. He told me all about his life, his jobs (he claimed to have been a roadie for aerosmith before they were big, was a musician himself, worked on people's yachts as a deck hand, etc etc etc) , his ex wives, his dead wife (who left him a shit ton of money and one hell of a broken heart), his current life (he moved to willypo to settle down with a girlfriend who was from here, but she ended up breaking up with him after he made the move from washington, dc, so that left him completely alone in a new hickville town that his personality and style were not really compatible with). I ended up giving him my number and we went on a couple of dinner dates after that, but I haven't really heard from him in months. He met a girl the last time I spoke with him so I hope things are going well for him :-) Thank you Mick Johns for being the first of many great people I've met in these past couple of months!
After Mick, a neighbor who was friends with my Ex and I was cordial with invited me to go to dinner with him and a few of his friends one night. I agreed even though I was, of course, half tempted to back out. And I'm so glad I went because that was the night I was unknowingly set up with new boy :-) Soooo the next month I spent most of my time with new boy and his friends. It was lovely! Then boy started drifting away a bit. Still is. I guess the "honeymoon" is over.
But anyways. Another monumental meet has been Meg :-) She posted on craigslist for a hiking buddy and I responded with information about a local woman's outdoor adventure group that I had joined (oh yea, that was another social step I made! and also went kayaking several times which was a new experience and I looooved it!) and in the midst of a few emails back and forth she revealed that she was a homeschooling mom struggling with depression and the decision to continue homeschooling her kids or put them in bishop neumann....coincidence? I think not. Since then, she and I have become rather close, texting all day long somedays lol and having good walks and talks. I love her kiddos too. It was nice to have someone open up and share themselves with me again and it's great to have her mature perspective on my life. She's my first intimate not college friend and I'm starting to feel grown up (speaking of which, I'm 22 now...yipes!).
As for college friends, I talked a lot with holly about her boy troubles and such before she left for japan but now she's literally on the other side of the world and communication is a bit difficult :-/ I miss that crazy lady. Matt and Andrew came up for a weekend and we had a blast. May have been the best weekend I've had all summer, err longer actually. I really need to keep in touch with them better.
I moved back into my apt in june and have been living solo ever since. I was all excited when I met new boy because I thought he would assume the role of what I presumed meant boyfriend, aka hanging out all the time and sleeping over, but this boy is not that kind of boyfriend at all SOOO once I came to terms with that, I decided I should start looking for a roommate. I've met one lady already and am going out to dinner tonight with her and a few other people who are a part of her social club. Totally nervous, don't want to go. Know I should go. Am going. Just blah. Stupid social anxieties. Stupid insecurities. Nehoo, this lady is nice but I think we both know we're not exaclty what the other is looking for in a roommate. I have two other meets lined up for potential roommates, one guy and the other is a house with two girls who work for reptileland lol. Pretty sure I don't want to live with either a guy or the snake that these girls have BUT I have every intention of going to meet them in hopes of making friends if nothing else.
I've discovered the "high" of meeting people. Keeps you feeling alive, connected to the world somehow, gets you out of your head. Now I just need to learn how to keep the relationships going...
Nehoo, things at work are going well too. I was promoted and given a 60 cent raise lol but I really do like it here.
See things are good. This summer was great. I grew. What more can I ask for?

1-1/2 more hours to go before I'm done at work for today.
Dinner out tonight with new people. Maybe drinks after with Colin.
Hiking tomorrow morning with Meg.
Maybe I'll see boy tomorrow night?
Church sunday (I've been church hopping on sundays which has been fun and new too) and volunteering with my mom.
Monday night program at clark chapel
Wednesday meet potential roommates
etc.

And of course Gym every day.

Alright I'm off.

Good to talk to you.

HUGS!

-Me.

3 Weeks Later...

2011-05-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

I am single.
It turns out I don't need him. But I knew that then. It was just a moment of complete desperation I suppose. One of those, "I'm drowning so I'll grasp at anything" kind of things.
I don't want to get back together with him. I know we aren't right. But if it could stop hurting, that would be great.
I'm happier now.
Minus the moments of heartbreak.
I think i'm in the midst of my heart breaking. It just keeps cracking bit by bit whenever I am not sufficiently distracted enough to avoid thinking. I just want it to break completely so I can move on.
I'm finally completely over Greg. He cheated on his girlfriend, again, after promising that he was done with the whole infidelity thing after me. Oh and this time, it was with a guy, that he found on craigslist. Yea... It's amazing, for three years I was so wrapped up in missing him, then in the amount of time it takes to read a text - I'm over it. Kinda made me realize whatever I thought we had was just another one of his perverse ways of lashing out because he's unsatisfied in his life. Whatever. Hasta la bye bye asshole.
My emotions keep flip flopping between excited at the prospects of a new life, meeting new people, being happy, etc to getting depressed about being lonesome and not having that one person that I can call anytime, rely on all the time, hang out with all the time, etc.
It seems like I have always been on the hunt for a best friend/boyfriend/other half of self. The lesson I need to learn now is to find that other half in me. Meaning, I need to become comfortable spending time with just myself. Typically I hate being alone. My mind takes off and I go a bit crazy. Having other people around keeps me in check. I need to learn to be able to keep myself in check. To be calm alone. To entertain myself. Because only then will I be able to really make friends and not push them away because I'm over clingy or wierd.
Well, ok, I'll still be wierd, but I'm ok with that.
I haven't watched TV since I moved back in with my parents. I'm pretty proud of that even though it's not much of an accomplishment.
I'm vying for a promotion at work that I'm not qualified for and probably won't get, but whatever, can't hurt to try.
I really hate how many times I've used the word "I" in this blog.

Bottom line - moving on, hopefully moving up, and someday moving out. Yup. That's all.

2011-04-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

He finally said it...the words I've been dreading since we first started dating, Fuck the words I've dreaded forever...I'm finally too much. He can't take it anymore. It's not him, it's me. All of our problems. It's me. And it is. I am and have been such a depressed person all of my life with few shining intervals of happiness. Now i'm going to lose him, I think i already have. He can't stand watching me do this to myself every night...my lack of self confidence is a turn off....I knew this was coming. I've always known - In the end, what would tear us apart would be me. I tear everything good apart. Maybe it would just be better to give up. Give myself nothing to tear. Just live on my own with my meager salary and food and give up on people and life and happiness. I can't seem to find it so maybe I should just stop pretending that I look. I don't even know what I can do to change...start taking pills again? Therapy? Move to South America? I don't want to go to work tomorrow but is that a good choice or a bad choice? I don't have any answers. I just can't believe this is finally happening. Now after all the battles. After every time I've almost left him, all the fights I've picked, everything...here I am. The exact place I always wanted to avoid.

The extra sad part is, when he left for a walk, my first thought was to talk to Greg. or maybe it was I needed to talk to someone and he seems to be the only one I talk to these days. I've completely cut everyone else out of my life.

I try to pretend that I'm so angry at the people in my life that hurt me and that their stupid actions are why we're no longer friends, but that's not true. It's me. It's always fucking me. A part of me is glad Greg chose Amanda because truth be told, we're both depressed people and two depressed sure as hell does not equal a happy. I would've driven him away.

Truth be told, Aleks is right for me. But i'm not right for him. I hate that i'm such a burden, that i'm no fun to be with. I hate me.

I hate that I want to call my parents right now but I won't because I've been their burden for far too long. I kind've passed myself off from them to Aleks. And now Aleks has finally had enough. Two and half years later, he made it two and a half years. But things have been getting progressively worse. Aleks can't make me happy, it's not his job to.

I have no idea how to change. I dream of just picking up and moving to Spain or South America and taking myself away from anything and everything that i've clung to as part of my devastating life...the gym, grocery stores, all my little comforts. But is that the right thing? Is that the brave thing? Or is that being a coward? Would I be able to find happiness somewhere else? Can I ever find it? Am I capable of happiness?

I want to chase after him. But what could I say. I would just be a crying blubbering fool. Another proof of my complete incompetence as a human.

What do you do when you've finally reached the end?

I want to skip work tomorrow. Spend three hours in the gym. and then drive to the ocean.

I want to chase after him and beg him not to leave me.

Should I go with him wherever he goes? Would that prove anything? Would that change anything? Or should I go off on my own. I don't think I should stay. I'm not going to be able to break this on my own. But I need a complete break from my life, all things that cause me to cling to my dark chasm of abysmalness.

I want him to come back now. I need to know that he'll come back. That's I still have a chance. That he hasn't left me completely. But what would that prove. He's tired of hearing I'm sorry. I can't blame him. It must mean absolutely nothing now, as many times as I say it.

But I really really do mean it.

I need him. I actually really do need him. I don't need my routine. I don't need to prove anything to anyone about being responsible. I don't need to be supermodel thin. I just need him. I need to find him. I have to tell him.

Status update

2010-10-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

Current age: 21 - finally legal - i've been to the bar 3 times since legalhood - turning that magic age sure didn't help me with any of my problems like i thought it might

Current employment - Employed full time as a front desk associate at a Marriott hotel - enjoy the job - hate people. no, not hate the people. I love my boss and the housekeepers and girls in laundry and everyone who works there. and no, "people" doesn't mean guests. it just means I hate that people in general tend to take out their frustrations on the wrong person or even have frustrations at all about things that would and could only frustrate a spoiled American. Tell me something, do you think someone from a third world country would even consider getting upset over the fact that they were not automatically upgraded to the suite just because it was available? Do you think they would throw key cards at you or report you to customer care because of some silly error which is bound to happen because we are human after all.

Current relationship - Living with boyfriend in a studio apartment, most amazing boyfriend ever, scared to call him soul mate. scared to think about relationships. afraid of losing him. afraid of future.

Current weight- 132, assuming, probably more. still go to gym everyday. take frustrations of work and life out on food.

Current mental health - at this moment, not awful. usually pretty volatile. no closer to sanity than the majority of my life. hoping to someday find that equilibrium of happy/sad/normal human emotions and sanity. hoping to someday not hate myself.

Current friendships - avoiding all. blaming it on weight and feeling uncomfortable with ppl seeing me. really just unable to deal with emotions. as always.

2010-04-22T19:32:00.001-07:00

I graduate college in less than three weeks.

I will leave with no friends to call...

I don't have a plan for my future

and I hate when people make encouraging excuses for you when you tell them you have no idea what you're doing with your life

I'm alone almost all of the time

mostly because I choose to be

My philosophy has always been to run away before i'm left

but perhaps running a year premature was not such a great plan

then again...running in the figurative sense never is

I want to marry my boyfriend

he wants to marry me

I don't know if we will still be together in a year.

I miss all the people who have been in my life.

I hate you for leaving me now.

I am my own worst enemy.

I need a change of pace.

I need a dose of courage.

I need to be freakin' 21 so I can go to a bar and get drunk.

But how do you escape yourself?

I have no idea.

If/When I do this program in Spain,

I can NOT, I repeat, canNOT play it safe.

Playing it safe has ruined my life.

No one can hurt you if you don't let them near.

Then you have no one to blame but yourself.

And you're used to that.

I don't know why i'm writing in poetry form.

I don't know why I'm writing at all.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I used to be so close to so many people.

My roomate and I freshman year were inseparable.

My best friend and I in highschool were ridiculously close.

I was once the center of attention for the boys.

Now i'm no one.

I need to re-invent myself.

I need to be with people.

I need to give them a chance.

I need to give myself a chance.

I need to learn how to form a sentence without "I" in it...

After all..."I" is the problem.

...sigh

2010-02-10T17:10:00.001-08:00

I'm scared to graduate. Ok that's not really it, I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of goodbyes. I know people come in and out of your life all the time and that's normal but i suck at normal. I'm not normal and I can't seem to do normal. I have no idea what i'm going to do after college. I have no idea how i'm going to make it until then except for one day at a time and these past couple days have been not so good.

I didn't go to the gym monday. I didn't go to the gym today. I probably can't go on saturday. I suck.

I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time, and making life decisions that make me feel even lonelier.

The Ins and Outs of disordered eating

2010-01-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

What I've learned about food, health, and myself after seven years of trying it all.

-Dinner and a movie should be separate activities (Tv and food don't mix)

-There's no such thing as a healthy binge

-Fat is not the enemy

-Listen to your body, it knows better than you

-Sometimes, a walk is all you need

-Don't compare

-Calories don't count

-Back to the basics

-Superfoods

to infinity and beyond

2009-11-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

He's back. I can't convert my thoughts into words. I don't really think much anymore. I kind of avoid feeling too. I haven't had a good cry in god knows how long. I'm so scared. I hate goodbyes. In less than 6 months i have to say goodbye to everyone. everyone. everything. my life. i'm already pushing people away. It's easier. I don't want to think right now, i'm looking for a distraction even as i write this I don't want to think. I don't want to know that I still love him and that I still hope that someday i'll se him again. That maybe he's the right one for me. That maybe he's back in my life for a reason. that maybe I just want to think he's back in my life for a reason. I'm having a really hard time connecting to aleks. PArtly because I know there's no real connection between us verbally unless there's an immediate issue. I wish i could talk to him the way i can talk to greg. I wish he made me feel like greg made me feel. I wish i knew what i felt. aside from bloated and gassy. sorry, sidenote. I'm a little tired of thinking about the past. That's mostly what greg and I do when we talk. There's an unresolved issue there that we just can't get past and I know exactly what it is. I think he made the wrong choice. I still wish he had picked me. I still wonder if later on in life he might pick me. Why else would he seek me out after so long if he didn't wonder that too. Maybe we just miss the intimacy. God we were close. I think. I don't even know anymore.

I suck at life right now. like really suck. I don't think i'm really "there" much for anything anymore. My mind is always somewhere else, distracting itself. I don't live in the present much is what i'm trying to say i guess. I don't want aleks to sleep over tonight. I'd rather talk to greg. fuck why is he back. why. he knows i still love him, i never stopped. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck make it go away. I dont want to hurt like that again. Does he have any idea how much that hurt, how long i cried, and now he's back. After i was finally ok with him being gone. fuck. the thing is, i know i should stop talking to him. it's only going to cause problems. amanda will find out again. he'll get angry at me. things will be bad. i'll pull away from aleks. i'm already pulling away from aleks...he doesnt know why. not even sure he's noticed. probably not.

why am i so interested in rushing through everything. i always want to get on to the next thing, even when i really like what's going on right now. I still want it to end and know what's going to happen next. I have to know what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of not knowing.

I have no idea what's going to happen with aleks and i when i graduate. he wants to spend the summer in latvia. I have no idea where i'll be or what i'll be doing. hopefully one of the bajillion places i've applied to will respond. regardless. we won't be together. we don't do not being together so well. not that we do being together that great either. i think. maybe i'm just asking for too much from a relationship. maybe i just don't know how to break down the walls and leave myself open to the relationship. i get upset a lot, scared, angry, anxious. I don't tell him. I don't really tell anyone. I feel like a burden.

Not with greg though. I never really felt like a burden to him. that was a great feeling.

I miss new orleans, that was a great memory.

I am 20 years old. I have no idea what's going to happen in my life and i have no clue who it will happen with. my problem is that i'm afraid i'll drive myself nuts long before i ever get to experience. or that i'll go through it and not realize until afterwards what happened because i did my usual distract myself thing.

I wish i could talk to aleks about all this. The thing is i'm more likely to talk to greg about it which just causes more problems because i know better than to open myself up to that again. I know better. I'm stronger. I should just say "hey, i think you're awesome and i love talking with you, but that's a problem. I would love to keep this relationship between us for the rest of my life, chatting with you and being your friend, but we can't. Amanda doesn't know. this is technically cheating and only a step or two away from repeating what happened last time. we can't do this again. it's not fair to her, it's not fair to aleks, and it's not fair to us. yes, i admit i still love you, and yes somedays i want to see you and imagine that you never left and seriously wonder if i'll ever be happy with any other guy because i never really had a chance to know if it would work out between us and will always wonder if it could've, but that's why we need to just cut it off now before things get worse, before i get even more attached...again." but will i say that? nope. I like that he's back. i miss him.

fuck.

why can't i love aleks that way. why can't i appreciate him as he is, here and now, an amazing guy who loves me. and i love him too. I'm just not as close to him as i was with greg and will be again if we keep talking.

Should i tell aleks?

Am i cheating on him?

does it matter?

I don't think he would even care if i told him. I could see it happening like this "so aleks, we need to talk. listen, greg's been texting me again, he checks in on me every once in a while, and it's hard because i still have feelings for him and i know that's not fair to you and i should just stop talking to him but i don't want to stop talking to him and i don't know what that means. I can talk to him and have a connection with him that i've never had with you and i know that's probably my fault because i won't let myself have that connection and i keep myself pretty guarded but i just don't really know what's going on and i'm sorry if i shouldn't have told you or if i should've told you sooner or if i'm just creating drama. it just sucks because he and i can talk long distance. you and i can't even talk face to face. and maybe that's just because i'm not dating him and it's the whole grass is greener on the other side thing. but what if it's not. what if it's that he's more right for me than you. does it matter? he's not mine. he's not free to have. It's wierd but when he and i talk, i think of it as cheating on his part but not so much on mine. why is that? because you won't care? because she shouldn't care? because part of me still thinks i'll end up with him and you're just an awesome college boyfriend to make me feel less lonesome? is there a future for us? i hate how nonchalant you can be about it all. I know i should be too. one day at a time. all that jazz, but i'm not so good at nonchalance. sorry."

nehoo, concert soon, ttyl byes

2009-08-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

i'm so ready for a new routine...

i'm tired of eating myself into an oblivion every night and justifying it with exercise.

I think my stomach may be permanently distended from the amount of food i eat.

I'm fit and active and muscly and not fat, but god do i need a new routine.

6 days from moving in.

I'm back with my ex. I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope i don't make him regret it. I hope he doesn't make me regret it.

I have no idea how to maintain weight normally.

I'm not even twenty and head over heals into weight issues.

I wish my life didn't revolve around food.

I love how i feel when i exercise.

Going for runs at night is my favorite.

i miss my boyfriend. just his presence really. knowing someone else is there.

I'm excited for this year

i'm excited to move the hell out of bubblefuck PA

GET ME OUTA HERE

quick post before work

2009-07-10T04:41:00.000-07:00

i'm gaining weight...it's really frustrating even tho it's not in the least bit suprising. I eat four thousand calories a day, that's right. all in one sitting too. it's disgusting. it may all be healthy food (lean soy protein, fruit, whole wheat bread, yogurt, etc) but it's still calories. The thing is, with as much as i exercise, i need the majority of that food. But exercise is wearing me out. Regardless tho, my real complaint this morning is...i have weighed 120 (give or take a pound or two) for a while, now i'm probably back up to 125 (give or take...). At 5'5" that's still an ok weight. And if i had weighed 130 before, i would be looking great at 125, but to go from 120 to 125 sucks. People notice these things. Once you set a precedent, it's hard to slide even a little bit. Ugh. Need to stop bingeing!

goodbye aleks

2009-06-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

i miss you...i'm sorry i had to say goodbye but i knew i never would if i didnt...it's not because of you, i know i've complained endlessly about one thing or another but it never really was a you thing- it was just not an 'us' thing. I really want to talk to you now, like i always do when i can't, but i won't call you this time. Can you believe i was actually kind of hoping you would show up today anyways, that when i got back from work you would be on the front step, waiting for me. i was even considering leaving a note on the door while i was gone so you would know where to find me. but that's not you. that was greg. he would have come. he always came after me. until he didn't. and that hurt the worst. but you wouldn't have come. and even though you say you'll still be there when school starts and you want me to take you back...i think you'll realize that's not what you want. I'm hoping you realize something, i'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I know it was. It still hurts. You said you don't understand how i can still love you and miss you but want to break up. It's because even though i saw an unpleasant future for us, i see a beautiful one for you. goddamn. it needed to happen for a while. I just wasn't ready to be alone until now i guess. Or i guess there wasn't as much confusion. It's easier to say goodbye when you barely say hello anymore. You told me it was because it's easier to break someone's heart when you aren't looking them in the eye, but baby boy...i really don't think you love me the way you think you do. I think you just don't know love. But you will. Someday you'll meet her, the girl who really completes you, one you hear yourself laughing your true laugh with, the one you wake up for in the morning and can't wait to talk to. I'm not delusional about relationships. I know how amazing they start out, where everything is scary and exciting and you question every movement and every comment and get butterflies (a stage that lasted, what, a week? maybe two? for us..my fault, i know-i'm too impatient) and how all that eventually turns to taking them for granted, forgetting how they changed your life and only really notice how your life is now and taking out all the unpleasantness on them. I know i did that with you. I wanted you to be the answer. The one who could fix all my problems. And you did for a while. Well kinda. I'll never forget how you fought me that day and i'll always love you for it. I wish i could have always let you in the way i did then. I wish you would've let me in that way-just once. I will miss you aleks, but i had to say goodbye and even tho a part of me wishes i could text you and erase yesterday entirely-i know it was the right thing to do. So please forgive me. I really hope you're doing well and have a great summer and i really hope you find someone amazing who fits you. i love you and i'm sorry. goodbye aleks

2009-05-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

All the things i wish i could say to you but am too afraid it would ruin things...

I could live without you. I'm doing it right now. I don't need you to be happy. I meet new people every day, people who make me laugh and feel beautiful and enjoy life. I can't appreciate all the things you do and i don't agree with a lot of your life philosophies and some days you drive me absolutely nuts. I think we need this time apart, this summer i mean. But the funny thing is...despite everything...we are pretty good together. We're not perfect, but i wouldnt want us to be. i like you the way you are. We may have conflicting personalities and interests and i may need to learn how to deal with those better (ok, i definitely need to learn how to deal with those better) but it would be boring without the differences. We may not be right for each other but we're definitely not wrong. We may not have a future but i don't regret a single day of the past eight months with you, the good or bad ones. And this may not work, but i love you so much for trying. I feel like this is a break up when imeant it to be a proposal of a life together.

to do...

2009-04-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

This summer, i would like to:

find the joy in summer again

figure out my life's manifesto

read a lot of books

stop saying "no" to social outings no matter what they are

keep up with my spanish

learn to have relationships long distance

take control over my room and my life

write something profound

build a swing/hammock WITH bug netting

connect with my grandparents again

figure out grad school plans

draw/paint a landscape portrait

NOT end up in binge induced depression comas on a regular basis

learn something

make something (quilt maybe?)

...to be continued...

2009-04-18T20:26:00.001-07:00

just when i think it's worth it...i realize it never will be.

Merecer

2009-04-10T11:42:00.001-07:00

What do i deserve? Why do i put so much into that one little word? I don't deserve to eat if i don't go to the gym. I don't deserve to live if i'm fat. I don't deserve to have friends. I hate my life. I'm so tired. I so depressed all the time. The only times i ever feel happy are when i'm distracted from myself, aka when i'm at work or with someone or dealing with a bigger issue than my mind. Hence why i need this job this summer because i'll go nuts if i'm stuck with nothing but my mind. I hate my mind. Which is ridiculous since my mind is me and i control it. So i hate me? probably. most likely. yes.

I don't deserve to ask for things. I don't deserve to spend money. I don't deserve to feel bad because i have nothing to feel bad about and i'm just a whiny fucking bitch. I have everything i could possibly want or need. Everything. And here i am, alone, sobbing, depressed, not wanting to go home, too lazy to go to the gym, hormonally sweating from my last binge, waiting to see how long i can outlast the weight watchers ice cream in the freezer.

I just avoided my grandparents at the grocery store. I didn't return my dad's call. I'm a depressed slob who didn't even do her hair or anything productive today. And it's my fault. I hate the tv. I hate laziness. I hate me. I have no meaning. My life is pointless. I could make it so that it was meaningful, and i feel meaningful when i'm working or doing something, but otherwise....nope. ice cream wins.

2009-04-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not pregnant. After being three weeks late and going between moments of denial with underlying stress and moments of paranoia with very present stress, i finally got my period. And i'm still stressed as hell. I ate my weight in everything in sight last night and today as well. Summer is almost here. Aleks is almost gone. I skipped all my classes today. And therapy. I get fingerprinted tomorrow. I don't want to go to the gym today. I don't want to do anything.

no adios...gracias por todo

2009-03-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

Why is it that i have the most final of track records with friend? I can never speak to joy or greg ever again. We moved from canton and weren't supposed to talk to anyone and haven't (aside from joe). Kari moved, annalise moved, and now aleks is probably going to transfer. I was planning on breaking up with him anyways,at least two days ago...he's really been great trying to make amends in the last two days which makes my already weak will falter, and it really actually would be a good idea for him, it just sucks. He deserves a new start. someplace new where he doesn't feel ashamed about being kicked off the soccer team and all that crap, where he can actually play soccer which he loves to do. Someplace he can make new friends, have a new start...really the best thing for him. He has so much potential, he's so smart and talented, but he's stuck in a routine here. He needs to get out and experience life and start new. And transferring really would be the best thing. But it still hurts. I'm still sobbing my eyes out because i will miss him. Even though i was planning on breaking up with him because i didn't want to be with someone who has no worth ethic and is as lazy as can be and kind of a prick at times, but i love him. He has so many other amazing qualities. And you know what, just between you and me, i think he might even get off his ass and do something with his life if he were to transfer, if given that opportunity. So i know it's the right thing. And i have to let him go because it's best for him, and for me, and for us. But it hurts. I get tired of saying goodbyes. And next year will be the hardest of all because i'll have to say goodbye to all my boys and college and start all over again. Even if we were to stay together, things were going to be rough regardless because of the fact that Aleks is a sophomore and i'm a junior and i would graduate a year before him and do god knows what. So i can't help but think maybe he'll transfer somewhere that happens to correlate to where i'm going to be in a year but i know that's far fetched. His mom is coming up today. I know she will support him in transferfing, just as i do. It all makes sense. I think he would be happier. I hope he would be happier. I don't know whether or not he would still be in my life, but i'm just really glad for having known him. As gay as that sounds. It's been an interesting six months and i really do love him and even though this letting go will be different than the others i've had to do, i think it will be good. I hope it's fair to say we've helped each other a lot this past year when we really needed someone, or at least he's really helped me in a lot of ways and i really love him, but i understand that you can't make things last longer than they're supposed to. and this one seems to have run its course for now. i'll never forget him. if we still have a future together after this, with or without intermission, that's great, but if not...it's ok because i've learned so much and loved so much i can't even begin to explain. I love him. Let it be...

2009-02-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

i need to figure out my life, pronto.

2009-02-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

he asked me if i thought it would be better if we broke up over the summer last night. He also said he'd thought about our retirement together and our kids and being married. fuck my life. i think we probably will break up for the summer. it would just be easier. i've got to learn to find myself, and he deserves to figure out what he wants. Amanda never let greg have that. she was too afraid to lose him if she ever let go so she clung to him and suffocated him and really just ended up pushing him away and onto other girls. he needed to figure out what he wanted and not have an ultimatum thrown in his face (she told him that if they broke up, he would lose her forever). i understood exactly where he was coming from with the whole cheating thing, didn't think it was right, thought he should've talked to her about it, but she was and always would be irrational about it. she was so afraid to be alone, so afraid to lose him, he was her life, he was all she had, and she didn't trust that if she let him go and it was actually meant to be that he would come back to her. but it ended up happening that way anyways, just with a lot more pain and deception than she anticipated. I can see where she's coming from better now too. I'd love to say "aleks and i will be together forever" and just have him there the rest of my life. but i know that won't work, that's me trying to control the future and that just doesnt work out well. so i will let him go, with a lot of angry tears and lonely nights, i will let him go. if i am what he wants then let him choose me, if we are what is right to be then let it happen that way, and if i'm not and we aren't- then god help me to let go and love again. fuck, but i do love him. I have almost three months til then. i have to try not to win him over in these three months and just let be what be. and i really have GOT to stop thinking so much

Confessions of a forgotten valentine

2009-02-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

So, i finally have a boyfriend for valentines day. Funny thing is, it's no different than not having a boyfriend for valentines day. I mean, he's amazing, truly is, sends me those texts every once in a while that "make me fall in love with him all over again" or says something incredibly unplanned and romantically brilliant that you think hallmark will be calling him for inspiration on their latest romance cards and then of course there's those times when he's cuddly and kissy and playful and hilarious and the times when he's serious and deep and perfect. But then there's the other times, when all he wants to do is play video games or computer games. I mean i get it, that's what he likes to do and it's not something he can get arrested for or another woman so i'm all for it but at the same time, it annoys me a bit. not that he plays, that's cool. Just that he plays all the time. I know we're in different mind sets a lot of the time, me-ready to grow up too fast (like always), working weekends and nights, doing homework, exercising, choir, basically keeping really busy and trying to keep my head above water but usually drowning in a mass of tears because let's face it...i'm not stable, and as much as i like to think i'm grown up and can handle everything- i'm 19 and i can't. and him-lazy (self proclaimed), wanting to draw out his youth as long as he can, pushing the majority of things that might cause him stress out of his mind or just not letting them bother him (unless i go crazy and don't make that an option for him), etc etc etc. I get it, he's a sophomore in college, he's doing well academically, that's all he really needs to be doing right now. I'm a junior, i graduate next year, life is smacking me in the face and i'm sticking my head out as far as i can so it gets a good shot. I get tired of it all but i don't know how to deal or if i should or what or who or when or where blah blah blah.

I'm scared of what happens this summer. I want to be with him, but i'm starting to think that's not gonna happen. If, and that is a huge if, he would stay here and not move back to baltimore for the summer, i really don't think it would work. A) he probably wouldn't get a job and contribute to the rent which would drive me nuts, B) i don't think we're ready to live together for an entire summer, just the two of us, and C) yea, just no. so, he does move back to baltimore and i cry myself silly for weeks missing him, wondering whether or not he ever thinks about me, what he's doing, who he's with, when it will all end. Visit him a couple of times, when i don't work, live for those moments together then come back to depression and loneliness and work. ay carumba, that doesnt sound so good either. fuck monkeys, but breaking up won't solve any problems either. maybe for him, but for me...i'll still miss him and wonder and cry and be alone, just even more so. But even beyond this summer, what about after i graduate? He still has another year in college and i have no idea what i'll be doing. What then? god i think too much, i shouldnt be thinking about shit like that, but how can i not when he talks about our future together?! oysh, i'm stressed, valentines day sucks, can i just disappear now?

i talk too much

2009-02-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

My fears (rational and not so):

If I don't go to the gym today, i'll stop going all together and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If I stop in the middle of my workout i won't be able to start up again and will become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

If i say what's really bothering me to the person it involves, i will lose them.

If i eat one, i'll eat all of them. It's easier not to eat than to limit myself.

If i don't go to the gym, i'll eat and become a fat disgusting lazy slob.

Everyone will leave and you will be alone so leave them first. You're better off alone by choice than left.

Not being able to sleep.

Losing control.

Going completely crazy for good.

Being a horrible mother.

Being alone.

Not knowing what's going to happen...

The boys brought up a good point the other day...i have no one other than them. They are my world, and not so much them anymore even...more just aleks. I don't talk to gretch or kelly or any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year anymore or highschool or homeschooling or church or canton or girl scouts or dance or anything. All i have is what i have now, and i'm already pushing them away because i know in a year they'll all be gone. I'll graduate and i'll never see them again and they'll be added to that long list of goodbyes i never actually said but took to heart as a personal failure. I suppose it's somewhat normal to not be in contact with people from the past, i mean yes some people are friends with the same people since they were in kindergarten and some people aren't, all that matters is whether or not you're good at making new friends. I'm always afraid of being alone, i hate losing friends even tho that's all i've ever known. But i forget, just because i don't have the same friends, doesn't mean that i am alone. There is an endless amount of people in this world, i can meet a friend any day, every day, anywhere anytime. It's just that every time i lose one, it gets harder to invest myself in a new one. I become skeptical, reserved, wondering when this one will end like all the others. Because they all do, don't they. Every good thing must come to an end. But if god closes a door he opens a window. gah too many metaphors.

Aleks has made several comments to the effect of our living together this summer or getting engaged etc. I blow it off. I don't know what to say. Of course i want to live with him, of course i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he's the best thing that could happen to me and i love him so very much and i wish there was a way i could show him that that didn't involve buying him something because that just gets taxing on me and my wallet and has become more of a routine than a special act of significant meaning to him. I just got a new job that i start this saturday and he's already saying things like "so you can buy me things." no. no sir. i love you, and i would give the world to you if i could but don't you know that's figurative, i don't actually have the world to give to you so don't ask? idk. i would marry him, i think. i don't know. i think it would fail. i think i would let it fail. we're too young to even be thinking about anything beyond tomorrow. It scares me how close we are sometimes. Like we're peaking too early- a chronic problem i tend to have in my relationships. which is why sometimes, as much as i would love to live with him this summer, i think it would be best if we didn't, give us space and time to decide if this is really what we want. I'll be a senior next year and then i'll graduate but he still has another year. It's not fair to him to make him spend his senior year bound to a relationship we may or may not be able to maintain depending on what i do with my life. And it wouldn't be fair to me to stick around and put my life on hold just because i graduated a year early. Yes, i want to spend my life with him, but i would rather always have him as a friend then push for something more just because society tells us we should get married. I'm not even sure i think monogamy is possible. I'm not sure i believe that marriage is a good idea, at least not in the way it is presented. I think, if i ever did get married, i would ask to write my own vows because it's the only way i'd really contemplate what the marriage means to me. I mean, what is a marriage? Why do rings and saying "i do" all of a sudden mean 'you're off the market.' Nothing is stopping you from engaging in a relationship with someone else beyond your word and everyone breaks their word, it's human nature to lie.

My legs are tired, i'm going to have to fight myself to go to the gym today.

I just want to nap.

I have all day tomorrow to go to the gym.

Will i drive myself crazy if i don't go tonight?

I went to a counselor yesterday. Once he actually understands what i'm trying to tell him i think he might be able to help, but regardless of whether or not he will be successful, i think it will be good to have me time that i can just vent at a neutral third party and not feel guilty.

What would my wedding vow say?

I never believed in marriage, i always questioned whether it was possible or rational to ask any two people to give up their rights to intimacy, physical and emotional, with the rest of the world before they had a chance to discover it. I wondered whether it was selfish, whether it was just the 'thing to do'. Economics and alliance fueled the marriages of centuries past. Societal expectations enforced those of decades past. The increasing possibility of an easy out, aka divorce, and ignorance of what marriage actually entails and keeping with tradition is the only thing keeping the institution alive these days. I don't want that. It's a cute sentiment to marry your best friend but unless you're one of the lucky few, i'm sure your best friend has changed throughout the years so how can you expect it to all of a sudden stick after a ceremony with a white dress and priest? All i can promise you is that i love you, that i will give you my life openly and willingly for as long as you'll have me and i will never have what i have with you with anyone else. I'm not saying i can promise that i'll never think about straying and i can't promise you that things between us won't change, but i will always come back to you and i will always appreciate what we once had and what we will always have - a past full of memories, a present of the comfort of knowing someone is there and that someone is you, and a future of uncertainty to face with that knowledge and those memories to make it all worthwhile. I love you, i choose you, you know me inside and out and you haven't run away screaming, that means more to me than any "i do" ever could. So, I, (name) take you (name) from this day forward to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.

gah...

Luchar

2009-02-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm realizing that my extremism will always get me into trouble. I'm beginning my final quest to get rid of that which plagues me once and for all, fighting it with the aid of a new counselor and an amazing boyfriend and an attitude of readiness- if that makes sense. But now i find myself tackling not only my own mind but trying to fight that of others. I've been addicted to looking at other people's blogs about diet and weight loss since i first got my account, but it wasnt until a couple of days ago that i found the pro-ana sites. uhoh. Bad plan. Nothing good can come from that. I found myself pitying those girls. I can see the crazy in them that i overlook in myself or rather categorize differently. They refer to her as Ana as well. Sometimes i swear she really is a demon, just like there's michael the angel there's Ana the demon and she preys on any and all who are weak enough to be initially susceptible to her. anyhoo, so yea, i was reading one post that i related to quite well and got a bit angry at someone's "supportive" comment aka another ana victim endorsing the insanity. Ana feeds off other anas. I hate being around other anorexics or ex anorexics or anyone who has ever known ana, it drives me insane...we are immediately in competition with each other without even uttering a word, and we hate each other and love each other and want to manipulate the other all at the same time. It's insanity. It's kind of like misery loves company except it's more of a psychoticness slippery slope thing. but yea, i commented on her note, all the while thinking: o shit chelle, if she writes back you're screwed, it'll drive you nuts, you can't save the world from ana, you haven't even gotten rid of her yourself yet. sooo today i went back and deleted the comment, hopefully all will go unnoticed and i'll never hear from them, but i liked what i wrote, because it was almost like i was writing it to myself so i copied it before i deleted it and here it is, just a reminder to myself:

"you people are insane. don't you get it. Ana is not your friend, she never was, she never will be, she will never be satisfied by anything you do, ever. you think you are nothing without her when really, she's nothing without you, she's just a master manipulator. you are not strong. you are weak. only when you see that she will kill you and you stop fighting people who really love you and stop fighting yourself for accepting you as you are- then you are strong. ten day fast? yes you can do it. and congratulations when/if you do. but did it make it all better? do you feel better now? is the world a better place for not having eaten in ten days? are you a better person? no, you are exhausted, and hungry, and stressed, and i'll bet a little bit psychotic from the mix. i've been there. done it. good luck hating yourself for the rest of your life, thinking about nothing but food and calories and exercise and how you aren't worth anything unless you are thin. sounds exciting doesn't it. i can't believe you have a support group for this. and all it's all just Ana. just measly, pathetic, parasitic ana."

2009-02-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

I've been to the gym twice since i swore it off- so much for giving it up huh? (for the record, i just said that to make myself feel better or at least feel like people won't think i'm lazy...)

I've had a million anxiety attacks since then and one major psychosis moment

I'm trying to figure out why

and when

and make them stop

or something

Things i fear/things that throw me into an anxiety attack:

-not being able to sleep (aka restlessness/insomnia/etc)-happens more often when i sleep with him (can't sleep with someone when i'm anxious- makes me really angry)

-someone catches me in the middle of a binge (embarrassing)

-someone makes a comment about going to the gym (competitive)

-someone makes a comparison between my gym/eating habits and an overweight person (if i do what they do and they're fat than i'll be fat)

-being fat/having no friends

-someone touches me when i feel fat

...fat, food, perfection...it rules my life

reality check::

-i love my boyfriend, i can sleep just as well with him as alone some nights-what's the difference? (caffeine? gym? food? hypo/erglycemia?)

-i probably should be caught in the middle of binges just to remind me what i'm doing and not let me eat mindlessly because i'll just hate myself for it later

-Going to the gym should be me time, my body will tell me how long to go and when enough is enough, i don't have to go longer than everyone else there

-just because i have one habit in common with a larger person does not mean that i will become like them (or maybe that particular habit is not a good one to have, in that case-change it)

-i have not been fat in years, i am surrounded by friends

-i am my own worst enemy

sidenote:period is a week late...hoping my calculation is off? negative pregnancy tests. stress? hope it's not amenorrhea again :-/

yaknapatawpha

2009-02-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not having as hard a time with this not going to the gym, attack on my OCD insanity/ new outlook on life thing as i thought i was going to and it's scaring me. No anxiety attacks, no major pangs of guilt, not even a slight longing for the elliptical. Granted it's only been a couple of hours since i made the decision BUT i thought it would've hit me by now. Maybe later tonight? Maybe it won't hit me at all. Maybe this is simply just what i need to do. Redefine myself and my life and DEFINITELY my priorities. For the record, i'm not cutting myself off from the gym entirely. It's not like i'm forbidding myself from entering the doors or anything drastic. Just no more OCD. No more "I have to go an hour or else i'm worthless." No more addiction. I might go running tomorrow, maybe a mile or two, if my ankle is ok with it. And i'll probably lift weights more often just to keep some muscle. But i need to stop the endless, full blowout calorie burning binge inducing hungryness etc I need to figure out how to balance hunger and food and normal daily activity sans excessive exertion that i wont be able to keep up for the rest of my life.

My brother just called me. Just to talk. I don't know what to say about that. It's nice that we're friends now. It's cute that he comes to me for advice about girls. I feel like we're grownups now. Nehoo i should go. byes

tired

2009-02-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm giving up the gym. Which i know sounds completely horrible and lazy and i hate myself for it for those reasons exactly but i need to. I'm so tired. I am nineteen years old and exhausted. I feel like i'm in my mid forties most of the time, just waiting until i run out of time, wondering how long i can keep this up. Essentially, for the past 5 months i have gone at least an hour on the elliptical every day, usually more than an hour. Every day, or almost anyways, no gym is open on christmas and i've been sick/just didn't go some days, but for the most part...every day, 150 days, 150 hours, god knows how many miles, and i am tired. I love the feeling after i get done at the gym, the one where i feel invincible and tough and skinny and enviable. I'd kill to have that feeling. No really, i do kill to have that feeling, i kill myself. My leg muscles are hard as a rock but my knees and ankles creak and hurt. My stomach is firm and my arms are toned but my mind is in chaos all the time. i eat almost 4000 calories a day and for my anorexic mind- that is inexcusable. Even if i should burn 5000 a day, i should only eat 2000. No matter how much i exercise, there is no excuse for eating over 3000 calories. It's exhausting trying to be perfect all the time. To never talk too much, feel too much, show too much, to have a body that i can compare with all those i see around me and not want to throw myself out of the window because i can't measure up, or at least know i'm a good week of exercise and fasting away from achieving. i weigh 119 pounds. i will always want to weigh 95 again. not because of how i looked, i still thought i was fat back then. and not because of how i felt- i wanted to kill myself on a daily basis. but because of the achievement. Everyone wants to lose weight right? Everyone compliments you when you lose weight, when you're losing weight, etc. People might make fun of you for not eating or exercising too much, but really- they're jealous. Right? I once weighed 95 pounds. I once saw 95 on the scales and i am proud of that. I starved myself out of 35 pounds of healthiness to get to that weight so i better damn well be proud. I went completely insane, tore my family apart, lost my mind, and have never really recovered and i am proud?. I once weighed 150 pounds too. Right after weighing 95. That's right, i put on 55 pounds in less than a year, a lot less than a year if i remember right which god knows if i do because all those horrible days just run together in my mind anymore marked by that one day when they switched over from starving myself to the point of insanity to eating myself into an oblivion day in and day out- all the while just wanting to die. I am not proud of gaining 55 pounds. I hate how i looked. I don't remember how i felt exactly, but you know what's funny. I can remember time after time of being on the brink of complete insanity like certifiable, almost kicking out car windows to avoid hospitalization, huddled in a corner behind a chair, rocking back and forth sobbing, contemplating drinking cleaning solution just so it would end insanity when i was 95 pounds. And that continued throughout the gaining process, but i dont remember being that crazy when i was fat. Granted, that could be because i was on depression meds and actually had a social life (i gave up my isolating homeschooling ways for private school for my sophomore and junior years in highschool). I dont think i felt much of anything. So i went off them. Cold turkey. Bad idea. Lost a lot of weight, new life in college, but i was really depressed. Or moody or bi-polar or whatever the hell my type of crazy actually is. Then freshman year ended. Summer sucked. Alone, all the time. Nothing but food and a houseful of memories. No friends. Some work (my only saving grace) but mostly- nothing. Then sophomore year. Bad year. Broken foot. Triple with two of my best friends (neither of which i really talk to anymore). Broken heart (i was the dreaded other woman). Almost lost everything. Summer- spain. Better, but not right. Free. Learned a lot. Homesick. Really really homesick. Went home. homesick- different kind. hate home. school. Junior year. New roomate. The boys. Boyfriend. Thus far- the only drawback to this year has been me. My mind. My insanity. My food and exercise and perfection addiction. And i'm tired. I am so goddamn tired. I can't fight anymore. Everyday, i fight my mind in a constant battle of what i should or shouldn't do, should i eat this, if i eat this will it throw me into a panic attack, if i don't will i have a panic attack, do i want this, can i fit the gym in, when can i fit the gym in, i don't want to go today, i have to go today, i hate myself. I hate myself for loving myself. I spend a good couple of hours a day looking at myself in the mirror. I have to be perfect. No flab anywhere. I have to look like jennifer aniston. How does she look like jennifer anniston. fuck, how does jennifer aniston look like jennifer aniston. fucky my life. no one would be friends with you if you weren't perfect michelle. you're not allowed to be cranky or whiny or fat. you have to earn their friendship. you have to earn it. I am goddamn tired of earning it. What's wrong with just me? What would i be without the gym and without the perfect body and what would they do if i was crying and crazy and me? Am i worth anything? Could anyone love me? Could i love me? I've been running this same routine all my life err at least the last 9 years of it and i'm tired. I feel like if i had a short term goal i could stay sane. Like movie stars, how they get in shape for an upcoming movie or the oscars but then they back down on the hardcore workouts. Or athletes that train in season but then take the time inbetween seasons off to recoop. I don't recoop. There is no end in sight. This is my life. I'm not training for anything, i just do. I don't want to wear myself out before i'm 20 but after spending last weekend completely off the deep end, psychologically comatose in my shower for two hours, my boyfriend fighting my crazies, my parents and my boyfriend having an intervention for me. I'm done. counseling on tuesday. but when did i ever listen to counselors? I'll give him a chance. But i have to do something for myself, and while i hate that i'm choosing the most lazy thing of all...i have to give up the gym. No more hour every day. I'm too tired. I need to figure out who i am without the gym, without HAVING to go the gym every day, without the perfect body. Am i anything? Will my life still go on? Can i forgive myself for eating even if i don't exercise? I measure my days (eating wise) by when i exercise. Any food i have after i exercise counts for the next day. it doesnt matter when i go to bed or when iw ake up. That' just how it works. Fuck me. I'm tired. And this will drive me crazy but maybe it will be one of those crazies that get better after a couple of weeks (omigod, no gym for a couple of weeks???? i'll lost all my muscle! i'll be a fat blob! you lazy cunt!) i hate ana (my nickname for the voice in my head that goes along with anorexia). This is how i will fight her. This is how i will kill her. this is how i will find me. I need to make peace with food. I need to stop looking at it as anything that what it is- nourishment. It is not a happy pill, it is not my worst enemy. I need to stop restricting myself so much (i havent had a "normal" meal in god knows how long. I only allow myself diet meals, wheat bread, fruit, yogurt, starbucks frappuccino LIGHTS, protein bars,and massive amounts of gum, gatorade, and diet soda). I need to be able to eat a freakin chicken sandwhich without freaking out. Ok, maybe i need to stop focusing on what i think i NEED so much and just chill, let it happen, not be so desperate. Life isn't supposed to be so stressful, at least not about the minute things like a slice of pizza. Ugh, this is going to be interesting. I'm definitely gonna need help on this one. I hope my boyfriend will still be there to help me through this no matter how crazy i get in the midst of it. God i love him.

taking it easy on myself

2009-01-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

i'm tired of blaming myself for every feeling, every failure, every single little tiny even slight chance of an imperfection. yes i was extremely mad in the post that i wrote an hour ago. yes, it was irrational and overly bitchy. but i'm not a horrible person for it. I'm not going to hell because i thought those things about my boyfriend who i actually love a great deal. and yes i just pretty much cleaned out my closet in a ridiculous binge that haunts my mind and cramps my stomach BUTTTT i know why now and i feel normal. PMSing. normal. i. am. normal. women get cranky, women binge, women get irrational and emotional. especially the week before their period aka NOW for me, aka WHY i have nasty ass skin these last couple of days. aka...i'm not a mental case. i'm just a woman. omigod, i'm crying right now. holy hell hormones suck ass. BUT i am woman...poor aleks.

2009-01-29T09:42:00.001-08:00

he's driving me nuts today. no i'm not going to buy you anything you lazy piece of shit, that's it you are officially cut off. i hope you know that someday, when i ask you to do something for me, you're going to do it. you owe me asshole. fuckin jerk. stop playing with my fat, it bugs me, i'm not normal and you know it so STOP you asshole, you drive me up a wall i want to kill you right now, don't scare me, it's a bad day. tomorrow you go to court, and my dad will take care of you. don't take it for granted. stop being a lazy fuck and do something with your life. get a job. pay for your own goddamn food. go to the cafe and actually GET your own goddamn food. i hated it when you smoked pot and i will be upset if you ever start again. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you annoy me sometimes

o happy day

2009-01-28T13:59:00.000-08:00

things i'm excited about:

possible job at le jeune chef

possible RA position

habitat trip

Aleks (summer, now, forever, whatever)

running 5 miles yesterday

figuring out my life (hypoglycemia, fake sugars, etc)

good semester thus far-trying not to charlie brown it

getting along really well w/parents

life!

gaydom

2009-01-20T17:16:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write another post tonight, i had planned on it anyways but i should've known better then to plan lol. Nothing ever happens when i plan it. I wanted to write and think about "us" (no not me and my crazy mind that i sometimes like to separate from myself as another person entirely aka Ana, aka the crazy one, aka she who eats my soul), but the him and me. Trouble is, he's sitting catty-cornered from me and thus, tis awkward to write about him when he's well right there. Bottom line, so i don't forget about what i wanted to write about is that I'm scared yes, relationships are scary, i'm afraid he'll leave, i'm afraid he'll find someone better suited for him than me, i'm afraid he'll get tired of me, i'm afraid we'll break up because it's just not fun anymore, and i know i'll be devestated. But that's life right? Things change, people change, some people are there for all the phases in your life (or at least the majority) and others are just passing through. He's perfect for me ya kno. He is. He's calm, loving, cuddly, imaginative, adventurous, musical, doesn't take my crap (one of the best parts about him actually, he knows about my eating shit and instead of letting me wallow about it or feel bad about myself he wants to kick my ass with it, which is kind of exactly what i need though i would never admit that to him or anyone. Like last night, he made me sing for him for his little song project he's working on. I hate to sing in front of people. I'm incredibly self conscious. I think i can sing well enough sometimes and get all cocky about it just to find out i was flat the whole time or something and get completely crushed-extremist, remember. I like to blame my self consciousness on my father telling me i was flat and embarrassing me, and i like to wallow in my self consciousness, making a fuss about it. He doesn't allow it. "Sing." he'd say. "I'm going flat, ugggh i hate you, i hate singing in front of people!!!" "If your flat, fix it, tune it up." "Uggggh!!" aka he's that kick in the patootie that i need with the soft edge of love behind it. Dagnabbit, sometimes i catch myself thinking about a potential future with him, you know the whole "i do," house and home, joint incomes, baby in a baby carriage, suburbia wedded life. Then i run away, metaphorically. Marriage, gah. Commitment. Woah, nooo sir. More chance of being left when you're committed, more to leave. Hurts worse too. No sir, don't want to think about it, don't want to jinx it, stop thinking so much. Bottom line: Whatever happens between he and i, whether we stay together or break up and go our separate ways, i hope that 10 years from now i can call him up to go on a crazy adventure of skiing in the alps or something ridiculous. I guess i just don't want to lose him permanently, ever. I can handle a break up, even a messy one, if we can still be friends after time has passed. If he's happier with joanna, if Cassandra understands him better than i ever could, if some mystery girl just sparks his heart like i never could. Ok, it'll hurt, but if it's what's best for him, then ok. I just hope we can be friends. I hope. Because i need him to keep kicking my ass but i guess at that point it doesnt really matter what i need anymore which is why break ups suck so bad. Gah, why am i thinking about this. He's sitting right there. Things are good. You seriously need to learn to shut up chelle. Seriously.

2009-01-19T13:19:00.001-08:00

Today is a good day.

stop thinking

2009-01-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

I need a reality check, pronto. I'm going a little nuts and i'm grumpy and i need to chill. I didn't go to the gym yesterday. Why. Because my legs hurt and because i was tired and just plain ol' didn't want to. I didn't go to the gym this morning before work because. why. it was cold and i was sleeping and i worked all day. you ate 6 rolls. why. because i didnt eat anything before i went to work because i ate an extra 1000 calories last night in powerbars and a healthy choice pasta meal at like 11 pm. Therefore i had to make up for it today. But it was freezing. -10 degrees. I was freezing. I was hungry. I wanted to eat. by 3 pm, freezing, and having had nothing to eat, i was lethargic. I wouldnt let myself eat the other foods. too much fat. mitra make comment about how many rolls i ate. bugged me. i should be fat. came back and ate a powerbar, yogurt, and drank a tea. feeling lazy. feeling worthless. feeling like a fat slob. tired. ski tomorrow. can't do usual ocd routine tomorrow either. shit. need my usual. need routine. need security. wake up, gym, class or class, gym, or class class class gym. wheat bread, two slices of turkey (rip off questionably fatty looking parts), lettuce, apple, maybe banana, powerbar. hour on elliptical, run. today-nothing. tomorrow, ski all day. come back at five. gym will be open. won't want to go because i'll be tired from skiing. will feel lazy for not going. nothing counts as exercise except the gym. normal normal normal, fuck. not normal. no normal. never normal. fuck. want to cry. should tell him? no. yes. why. no point. you're just being crazy. there's nothing he can do. stop being a burden. cry like a baby, yea that's right. go ahead and cry. you have a job, you're in school, you ahve amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend who you actually thought of spending the rest of your life with today even though you're not sure that's possible or are too afraid to consider that it might be possible because it's easier to accept failure when you predict it. yea go ahead and cry. i hate you.

buttmonger

2009-01-16T10:33:00.001-08:00

Why is it i always want to run from the exact thing that i've been wanting/ok not really want but know i need when it is presented to me? I know i need help. I know i'm trying to make myself go crazy. I know i could do it on my own but i also know i won't because what's the point? I weigh 118 pounds, the exact weight i was before everything went kerfleuwy in my eating world. That was 9 years ago. I'm not much better off today then i was then. I still go crazy sometimes and want to curl up in corners and pull my hair out. I'm still on the ever present quest for the perfect body because it gives me the attention that i crave. And i still write everything i think, except now it's online instead of in journals. I have grown up a bit and i do feel like i've learned a lot. Maybe too much, or at least i feel entitled to claim that i've learned a lot when really i haven't even begun to grasp half of what i claim to know. Does that make sense? Does anything i ever say make sense? Am i just lying to myself about everything including who i am? Am i ever genuine other than when i cry? Can i deal with the fact that i'm alive a part of this world and have absolutely no control over what will happen to me or anyone i know? o god, that's scary. no control. i hate that. I have to know, i have to be prepared, i just have to. no. LET IT GO chelle, let it go. i know you feel like crying right now, and you're wondering who notices because you're in a public computer lab with popular kids and you want them to think you're cool. why. why do you give a crap what anyone thinks. of course you should care what your friends think of you but that's because they're your friends, You, YOUR friends, aka they know you and accept you and what they think of you coincides (or at least SHOULD coincide) with what you think of yourself so you caring what they think is really just them keeping you true to yourself. maybe. maybe you shouldn't care what anyone thinks, even yourself. especially ana. never care what she thinks, ever, she will keep you in a size 6 jean and she may make you popular but she'll never be you and she'll never give a shit about what you want or who you are, she only cares about what you are. fuck you ana. I'm tired of you. I don't want to hear your annoying contradictory voice every time i try to make a healthy or damn, even unhealthy decision. I weigh 118. I can see most of my bones when i wake up in the morning before i begin eating for the day. I liked myself in the mirror at 125. I was happier at 135. i want to be 115. i need to stop...

ma nom a nah

2009-01-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

I could sleep with him last night. That was exciting. It was the first time i have been able to sleep sans anxiety or discomfort or the urge to just leave in a while. Granted i took four over the counter sleeping pills and was dead ass tired this morning BUT it doesn't matter. I could sleep, and even when i woke up from either his or my own scrooching I could fall back asleep. Thank god. Now how to do it without the pills, hrmm...

I've realized all i ever write is depressing crappola on here and for that i'm sorry. I guess i expend all my happy energy when i'm with friends and have no real vent for my depressed unhappy moments that they all just kind of splurge out here. Plus i just think too much. That's my ultimate cryptonite...thinking. I can never just eat something, i have to think about what i want to eat, if it's really what i want to eat or if it's just there, if i will hate myself after i eat it, if it has too many calories, if it will give me gas, if people will judge me for eating it, etc etc etc

...half a hour later...

we're friends now, he and i. I don't know when that happened or what the switchover was but we're friends. We can hang out and it's not awkward. it's day three of the semester and things are looking positive. here's to hoping i dont charlie brown myself into making it miserable.

rawr

2009-01-12T18:13:00.001-08:00

I'm going crazy. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know how to be, i don't know where to run, i'm out, i'm through, i'm done. Nothing comforts me anymore, not the gym, not him, not people, i can't even fight off my own mind. i just want it to be over, please god i'm so tired. i can't put on this act anymore. I can't fight myself for the rest of my life. How are they happy? i don't understand. I don't think i've known happy, truly happy, contentedness for the majority of my life and i don't remember sanity at all. i hate my mind.

i wish i could fix him. i wish i could help him. i wish i knew what to say to him. i wish i could be myself with him like i am with the others but i'm so scared to lose him i hold back. he couldn't possibly love me. or even if he did, it would be only be for a little while, and that might be worse because i really can't take being left again. anymore. ever. fuck.

everytime someone walks by the door i can stop myself from crying and get ready to put on the face that says "i'm fine, i just took a shower/went to the gym, that's why my face looks red and blotchy-i couldn't possibly be crying, i'm michelle, i'm crazy but the good kind." yes, i'm crying, i always cry because i'm michelle, and i'm crazy-not the good kind. uggh fuck my life, i keep hoping for some terminal illness, that maybe then the knowledge of my impending death would give reason to my insanity and take away the stress of "god, i have to keep this up for how long??" and finally free me. maybe the fact that i routinely shit blood means i have cancer or maybe because my heart (physical) hurts more often now is a sign of serious heart trouble , or maybe the migraines are side effects of a brain tumor- i'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of any of these, really honestly, i know how horrible they are and i know i would feel differently if i actually had them and knew i was going to die but right now they sound like a relief, like maybe i could finally blame everything on it, my insanity, my emotions, reasons for actually getting the hell out of here (my mind) and living, it could validate me. validation, ugh-something i'll never have. fuuuuccckkkkkk mmyyyy liiiiiffffeeeeeee, i'm such a whiny prissy bitch, will someone just teach me a lesson already cuz i'm certainly sucking at it!

Diary of the undiagnosed

2009-01-09T18:24:00.000-08:00

Almost 16 hour fast from yesterday's binge, talk myself into going to the gym, get gym stuff together, drive to the gym hour and a half on the elliptical, half an hour treadmill, 15 minute bike (plus 2 of course because what if the timer is off and the machine is cheating me out of my full workout so i have to go at least 2 minutes over EVERY time separation to make up for it), fight with myself about going longer, don't because my knees are beginning to make that crunching noise and i can feel the blisters on my feet forming, swim, shower, weigh in: 123 (shit, need to lose 3 pounds), won't eat, don't eat, hungry, drive, grocery store stop on the way home, three thousand plus calorie binge in an hour on yogurt, lean cuisine pizzas, protein bars (that i habitually steal, because one day i decided they were too expensive and thought since the store was charging so much i would even things out with a five finger discount and found it exciting and a hell of a lot better than paying-yea, i know i'm gonna get caught: i kinda hope i can either kick this new little addiction before i do or have someone kick it out of me because i really don't like that i can no longer hide behind the "i'm a good person" defense of not lying, stealing, or cheating- because instead of just the two, i now do all three. shit.) bulging stomach, boring life, think too much, stop thinking, plan tomorrow (it will be different, i'll exercise it all off and then just have a protein bar that i BUY and a pizza for dinner and maybe an apple), feel lonely, go crazy, get angry, hate life, hate self for making my life one to hate, vow to do something, find something, anything to get away from the life cycle that's killing me inside out, wait for the day to end, try to sleep, sleep, wake up, repeat. THAT is my life when i am at home folks. It is completely my fault that it's that way and I could easily change it. Ok, not easily. It would take a hell of a lot of willpower to break an 8 year habit and a willpower i don't have on my own. My solutions always revolve around running away (this summer i'll go to costa rica, i'll get a job, i'll find an apartment, i'll roadtrip) and my reasonings for the insanity, though convincing and a bit manipulative, are never really reasons at all (i hate this house, this house hates me, too many bad memories, there's something wrong with me). There is something wrong with me, and the thing that is wrong with me is, well, me. I am what's wrong and I am what prevents what's right. I could fight it. I could figure shit out. I could go to counseling. I could stop blaming. I could face my fears. I could accept that all of my problems, yes all of them, are because of me. Because i don't want to deal with them, because it's easier to take out all my anger about being left and losing friends and getting hurt and life and people in general on myself then to try to work shit out. Why fight with my boyfriend about how we never talk or his issues or how much i miss him and end up crying at nights alone because i'm crazy and need him and he should just know that and text me but of course he doesn't know that because i would never tell him because that's weakness and i can't let him know i'm not the perfect girlfriend because he'll leave but why do i care if he leaves because i already know it's not going to work, that we'll break up in a year or this summer or next week or he'll cheat on me or i'll get fat and he'll hate me and i'll hate me and i'll run away and i can add it to my list of reasons why i should hate life so i have a reason behind why i'm not happy, why talk to him about any of that when i can just as easily and less risk-il-ier have ranting monologues to myself on an internet blog and eat and exercise myself into a state of insanity in which i want to either just die or break something or curl up in a ball and just cry (which is usually how my insanity cycle ends, by a rush of tears). Why don't i just yell at my dad or at coop or kel or greg or joy or jenny or even fucking god. Because i'm too tired to figure out if i should be angry at them, because i dont want to feel guilty for being angry at them, because i'm afraid they'll die with me being angry at them. What if the last thing i ever said to my father was "i hate you for taking my best friend away from me, i hate you for hurting my mother and making me grow up so fast, i hate you for making me leave canton, and i hate that you still don't see it and that i can't tell you because you turn into a dobby-like martyr beating yourself up before i can even get a punch in." What if i told my mother " i hate you for homeschooling me, i hate that you isolated me from everyone just because being a pastor's wife made you isolated and you have no friends, i hate that you have no friends, i hate that you never stop working, i hate that there is absolutely nothing to hate about you because you're perfect and i love you so much it hurts." What if i yelled at jenny "you fuckin bitch, i hate you, i trusted you, you were like a mentor to me, you manipulative whore" or to greg "you bastard, you told me you loved me, you told me you loved me more than her, you broke my heart" or to coop "way to be a friend coop, excellent job, fantastic, thank you for supporting me, thanks for being a self absorbed slut, hope you enjoy your life in hypocrite-ville, fuck you, don't try to be friendly with me-we aren't friends." It's so much easier to yell at yourself, especially when you can pick out things that aren't really a problem but you could be blamed for so then you can punish yourself but not really deal with anything. Great job. You're on the road to success. Good luck ever getting anything right you fuckin screw up. I have daily guilt trips that fuel my malfunction and when i realize that i'm not having one, i throw myself into one because it can't be right that things are ok, i'm missing something, i can't be happy, happy is pride, and pride is bad, nobody likes someone who is prideful and nobody likes a complainer. Yea well no one likes a fake either, no one likes a shallow "let's pretend it's all hunky dory while i sit in the dark talking to myself and wishing for a death" maniac. no one likes me.

home again home again jiggidy jig

2008-12-12T18:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't heard from him yet today. All i feel is depressed and alone. Not relieved to be done, not glad to be home, not excited to be leaving. What is wrong with me? How is it that i always manage to focus on the negative? Why hasn't he texted me? Why did i tell him i hate talking on the phone? Why didn't i make him promise that we could talk everyday, via Aim or texting or something? Why do i have to pretend i don't need him as much as i actually do? Where is he, what is he doing, how are his friends, is he getting along ok with his parents, did he sleep ok last night, how many times did he get high today, is the weed there better, is he bored, when is he leaving to go skiing, does he miss me, am i the only one having a hell of a time with this month apart thing, why didnt he want to see me inbetween-i would've driven down, does he really think we can go back to what we were after a month of not talking or seeing each other, did i? god dammit, i really have got to stop checking my phone- it's sitting right next to me, i would hear it if it vibrated. stop checking to see if he's online. He's not. Let it go michelle. Suck it up. Let your heart break and get over it. You can start again. You're a pheonix baby girl, just don't stop to think about the burn too much.

I am not ok. I do not want to be here. I hate how much i need you. STOP CHECKING YOUR PHONE!!!!!!

Numero dos, don't judge me

2008-12-11T20:13:00.001-08:00

So i almost didn't write this on here. I thought it would seem too pathetic to make more than on post in less than 3 hours or however long ago it was that i wrote the last one. Yes, that's right...i was worried about judgment, from a blog. Like there's some code or secret blog etiquette that limits you to the emotional spans of one blog a day because two or more obviously means you have serious emotional issues or no life and either way, there's no reason for blogging to get a bad rap for your lack of consideration for the code. I'm upset and food just isn't doing it for me tonight. Normally i can down about 5 lean cuisine pizzas and 8 yogurts topped off with a bag or two of grapes and feel better- err numb. Not so much better. But it gives me something else to focus on (how much i hate myself for being a fat glutonous slob). I feel better after i cry. But i don't really ever let myself cry, i try to hold it in or at least make it as silent as possible. I think i'm afraid if i let myself really start to cry i'd never stop. And who wants that? Some crying sap who's always emotional- what a cry baby. What a loon. Not for me. No sir. I'm strong. I don't need to cry. (right) I don't need anyone. (liar) I'm fine. (ha)

Ok, i lied. I need him. I miss him. I can't stand not being with him. I don't know when that happened. A month ago i left for a weekend without him and was fine, i mean i thought about him but meh, it wasn't a big deal. Granted 3 days versus thirty is a big difference but what the hell is wrong with me. I can't stop crying everytime i think about him. Is it just my usual conniption? That everytime i say goodbye i think it's the last. Am i afraid that since we have no idea how to be apart and still have a relationship, that we promised not to call because we both hate the phone ( which i dont really, i mean i do- i'm not a fan, i probably won't call you, ever, if i dont have to but i really want to talk to him no matter what the method. I want to hear his voice. It's like that song, i forget what it's called, but it goes "and i hate the phone, but i wish you'd call"- o yea, it's "the fear you won't fall" by joshua radin. Good song btw)

...insert pause of about 3 more hours...

So just spent my night pow-wowing with the boys- o how i love them, or rather that i'm one of them. They can almost always cheer me up and they have absolutely no idea that a second before they showed up i probably couldn't have forced myself to smile. They're amazing guys, all of them. Ninja always amazes me, he plays himself off as such a souless bastard and a scary motherfucka-which he is, but he definitely has that other side, the one that you can tell makes for a great boyfriend and whoever gets him will be one lucky girl. Then there's justin- horny bastard-yes, absolutely. but so sweet, such a cuddler, he just needs to find himself a little kinky nerdy chick haha

...he just texted me...

god i miss him, i love the boys dearly but they'll never be him, he's not perfect- not in the least, he drives me nuts sometimes, he can be so clueless and selfish at times but then again so can i and god do i love him...it's gonna be a long break

You can say no

2008-12-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

I miss him. It's been about 49 hours since i've seen him and i'm pathetically still crying. But why? There has to be a reason beyond just missing him because he's not here. I'm not that irrationally emotional am i? Ok I am. But what is my problem? He didn't die. It's not like i won't ever see him again. He's just a couple hours away and in a month we'll all be back together. A month's not so long, what's 30 some days when you have a limited forever still in front of you. A limited forever. An amount of time that tricks you into thinking it's longer than you could ask for when really it always ends up being exactly the opposite. Forever is subjective. For some people, their forever may be 90 years for others it might be six months. The shorter a forever, the more tragic and heartbreaking it is but those with the shortest forevers are always the lucky ones. It's like the "only the good die young" principle. When you love someone and you know you only have a short time with them you learn to appreciate everything. You pay attention to every kiss and take in every moment, memorizing every expression and every feeling knowing it won't be long before it's gone. All of it gone. Learning to miss someone while they're still there is the most important thing you could ever learn to do. Not miss them in the they're still there in body but not in heart way, but the taking advantage of every moment together, remembering what's important and to appreciate them as though they weren't there anymore. Try it sometime. Imagine that someone that you love is dead while you're laying next to them. Try not to cry. I dare you. Now know what it feels like. If they're asleep just watch them. All of a sudden that stupid chawing noise that used to drive you nuts is the most comforting sound you could ever imagine and that body that steals the sheets looks so perfect you can't help but want to wrap not only the blankets but your arms around it and just hold it because it's still there and that's more important than anything. These feelings never last. You fall asleep. They make you angry. You forget that life is temporary and start feeling invincible again, trudging through the days, riding the highs and collapsing at the end of a long stressful week fighting off tears because you wouldn't want to seem weak would you. You don't want people to see your puffy eyes or your swollen nose. You're PMSing. You're hormonal. You're a girl. Or maybe it's just me. I know- i'm fucked up but the thing is, as much as i like to think i'm crazy-i'm not. Not really. And the things i've been through in my life, yea some have been unpleasant but no matter what i tell myself or how much i wallow in self pity- it wasn't that bad. I'm still here. My forever is still going and at least now i know to appreciate it. Friends aren't forever. Don't ever let anyone tell you that. It's a beautiful sentiment but it's not true. You will grow apart from everyone you meet no matter how close you get to them. Everyone will hurt you, mostly unintentionally-more of a side effect or consequence of them figuring out their own lives than trying to effect yours in any way. And you know what...it's okay. Sure it hurts, but sometimes i think pain is the best part of life. No i'm not masochistic, it's just that- have you ever been at the edge of your mind, your mouth gaping open in an inaudible scream of pain, tears running down your cheeks, ready to give up? So upset because it's another "the end," another i told you so or you should've known better from your own voice in your head. It sucks but you're alive and you feel it. That's the second most important thing you could ever learn to do...learn to not just be and feel alive but know you're alive, make a conscious note that you are, in fact, living. That this is your life, you're not a character in a movie or a book, you're not acting out any play- this is your life. You decide what you do, you decide what you feel, there are no narrators, no playwrights, and no trailers to storm off to. Only your mind and your body and your life. You will die. Everyone does. You will have your heart broken and you will learn that i'll always love you doesn't literally mean you have endless love for them. Loves comes and goes, you find it in one person and then you lose it to find it another and lose it again to maybe come back to find it again in the first. You can choose to fight for an enduring love or you can let it go and let it decide its destiny for itself but either way, it's never how you expect. Always and forever are subjective. The shorter they are the more powerful and influential they are to your life. Sometimes too influential or at least it seems it at the moment it's happening. Maybe i've had to say goodbye too many times. Maybe i am more fucked up then i thought. Maybe i'm just bitter and scared and i hide it with rationalizing and philosophizing. Maybe i just want to create the answers to questions that have no answers because i'm too weak to accept ambiguity and uncertainty in my life. I'm a control freak and when you know it's impossible to have control over something- like life and love and relationships- you over think things until you think you have played out every scenario possible in your head and know how to cope with them all. Or at least always have a plan for the worst case scenario and are constantly prepared for it to happen so at least you have some control, maybe not over when and how things happen but how you react to them. But it's life, and it will always one up you. I can pretend that i know my relationship with him will probably end in a year or so if not this month (because we have no idea how to communicate long distance, hell it took us three months to really get the hang of it in person- living two feet away from each other) and that i'm ok with it because i know love doesnt last and the most important thing is to make the most of the moment yada yada blah blah blah. I'll still be devastated. But pain is good right, you learn from it and you'll get over it only to move on and find someone new to love or maybe not. Maybe you'll spend the rest of your life alone but that's okay too because you've already lived and loved enough for two lifetimes. Plus you can always adopt or have a child, someone you are safe to love for at least a good 16 years because they depend on you. And isn't that what love is, dependence? No, it's not for the record but i seem to think it is. I make sure the people in my life that i love need me. That i am a necessity or at least a really convenient amenity because otherwise- i'm nothing. What purpose do i have if i don't buy your food or wash your clothes or give you massages. I know- horrible isn't it. I do those things out of love (especially the massages, err at least most of the time hehe) but it's always in the back of my mind that i'm winning you over. That i have to be perfect or you'll leave before i'm ready for this particular forever to be over. God i'm screwed up and i am so sorry. I love too much, i think that's my problem. I don't know how to love someone in a healthy way. I'm an extremist. I only know how to be devestatingly in love with them, pour my heart out, feel every ounce of pain, or hold back and pretend i'm in love. Why o why would anyone ever want to be friends with me let alone date me. I'm a nutball and the only reason i seem like a catch (forgive the cockiness) is because i make damn sure that i am- going to the gym to have the perfect body, buying things and spoiling you, attending to every need sexual or otherwise, never ask you for anything, never bother you when you're with your boys, never commit any of the cardinal sins of a girlfriend because i have to be perfect. And the whole time i'm going nuts. I have no idea how to be just me. I can't imagine anyone liking just me. What do i have to offer the world? What do i have to offer you. I can love you, but is that enough to make you stay? You'll leave, i know you'll leave, why wouldn't you? I would. But maybe if i can bribe you without you knowing it, maybe i can delude you, maybe i can somehow try to control the length of this forever, make it just a little longer. God, i am a control freak. When everything in my life is going crazy and my mind is turning against me because i can't stand up to my expectations any longer without bursting, my only comfort is to know that i can die. That i can facilitate my own death. That i can determine the length of my personal forever even if i can't influence that of ours. Wow, i really want to run away now. I don't want to think anymore, what do i do with this? What can i do? Shit, i just exposed my insecurities to myself and i have no idea what to do with them. I have no idea how to fix myself and i have no idea how to find myself and i definitely have no idea how to trust anyone enough to let them help me. Can i just be at the beach now. I don't want to think anymore, lalalalalala. Shit, it's gonna be a long night.